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If you keep her as a third, she will never be a primary to you.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I (both women in our mid-twenties) recently began exploring polyamory, and we have a dear friend that we have brought into our love life. In short, this has been delightful!

We all have very clear and open communication about both physical and emotional needs, and this has been a gratifying experience for all three of us. While my fiancé and my commitment is primarily to one another, we all agree that this is deeper than simply friends with benefits. The only hiccup we have arose when our friend and I spent the night together recently. We were discussing her relationship with her other partner (which hasn’t been going so well), and she expressed some moroseness about feeling like she didn’t have a primary person to go to with her love, and that she felt somewhat like a secondary partner to the people she’s seeing. I really care for this person, and told her how much she means to me and how she is an irreplaceable part of my life. She hugged me and expressed that that helped. Even still, I want to do more to make her feel important, valued, and loved. What can I do that goes beyond words of affirmation?

— Too Much Love, Too Little Time

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Re: If you keep her as a third, she will never be a primary to you.

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Nothing. If you don’t want to make her a primary partner. She will continue to accurately feel like she isn’t. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What are you wanting here?  If the answer is that your FI is your primary then the only other thing you can do is be supportive and introduce her to other possible primary partners. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Isn't the whole idea of poly that one person can't be your everything? You can't be this for her, and that's ok. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Isn't the whole idea of poly that one person can't be your everything? You can't be this for her, and that's ok. 
    I don't know.  I have married friends that are poly so they are a married couple with the same last name.  But the one thing that seems to come across with poly is that you need to be clear with your rules and expectations.  When one person is off then that's a balance that's off in the entire relationship. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Isn't the whole idea of poly that one person can't be your everything? You can't be this for her, and that's ok. 
    I don't know.  I have married friends that are poly so they are a married couple with the same last name.  But the one thing that seems to come across with poly is that you need to be clear with your rules and expectations.  When one person is off then that's a balance that's off in the entire relationship. 
    The fact of the matter is, the LW and their partner are engaged.  The third...as dearly loved and appreciated that she is...is not a primary partner.  It's understandable she's feeling lonely, now that her own primary relationship is falling apart.

    Maybe the LW and their partner want to change that.  Maybe they don't.  That's probably the first discussion that the two of them need to have.  After that, include the third person in the discussion.  Either inviting her to be a primary partner if that is what they all want to do or re-affirm the status quo.  But keeping the doors of communication open.
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