Wedding Woes

I think you're making this weird.

Dear Prudence,

One of my husband’s employees freelances as a lingerie model and has an active social media presence dedicated to her beautiful and intentionally racy photos. She brought this to his attention out of caution (as it’s a very different industry from their work), and he said it’s her business, which was the right response. He also follows her from his personal account. That part is weird, right? We’re all lefty sex-positive people, and I guess he sees it as a friendly/supportive gesture. As far as I know that’s all it is. But she’s also 15+ years his junior, and he’s her immediate supervisor. My impression is that she’s cool with it, though I remember being in my early twenties and being “cool” with a lot of work-related interactions that in retrospect were not OK. I’m not worried about him pursuing her, but at the same time, being supportive of your employee’s side hustle doesn’t mean choosing to look at their tits on the daily, right? Is he destined to become yet another story about a male boss crossing the line? What are the rules anymore?

— Too Much Drama

Re: I think you're making this weird.

  • This seems like an overreaction. 
  • I think there's 2 things going on here.

    LW is having some feels about this model.  That's okay, it happens.  LW sounds like they're trying to deal with it, but they could be doing that better.

    When it comes to social media, I have always had a hard line that I don't interact with anyone I work with on any level, as connections.  Once we're not co-workers anymore, I'll friend them.  I've only ever made one exception.  We both laughed b/c it was basically a "I was drunk and FB suggested you so I hit the button which I never do", "I was drunk and accepted which I never do".  And we've had conversations about expectation of interactions.  So, I would fall on "don't do it", but not b/c he's seeing her tits...because I just don't think you should, period.
  • What the hell nonsense is this. No he absolutely should not be following her. Does he want
    to get him and his company sued for sexual harassment? Does he want to get fired for having zero judgment?
  • This is a weird thing and I don't think it's a great idea to follow an employee's PERSONAL page where she has racy photos posted when he's her direct supervisor. 

    The H should stop following immediately.  It's one thing to support her by giving her days off for photo shoots.  It's different to red heart your employee in the teddy.

    FWIW, it's not on the same level but why teachers do not friend their students especially when it's male teacher / female student.  It's a recipe for major disaster. 
  • 1. H should definitely not be following on any account. That’s grounds for a sexual harassment case in the future, especially as her supervisor. 

    2. You’re having some feels, LW and it’s up to you to sus out whether they are founded fears, or if you’re just feeling insecure. Tbh I feel like the fears probably are grounded. My H would never follow someone’s personal account like this because a) he just doesn’t do social media like that and b) regardless as a supervisor he knows to stay as far away from that as he can get. 


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  • I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
  • It's obviously inappropriate for him to be following her. I'd really be questioning my husband's judgment if he thought this was a good idea. 
  • I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
  • banana468 said:
    I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
    Agreed
    but I think LW's spouse looks at it as "I'm supporting her Instagram, not following her OnlyFans"

    I think if LW is uncomfortable, that should be enough for their spouse to unfollow
  • banana468 said:
    I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
    Agreed
    but I think LW's spouse looks at it as "I'm supporting her Instagram, not following her OnlyFans"

    I think if LW is uncomfortable, that should be enough for their spouse to unfollow
    Oh I get it.  But I think the H is a fool if he thinks that his following can't and won't come back to bite him into the unemployment line.  
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
    Agreed
    but I think LW's spouse looks at it as "I'm supporting her Instagram, not following her OnlyFans"

    I think if LW is uncomfortable, that should be enough for their spouse to unfollow
    Oh I get it.  But I think the H is a fool if he thinks that his following can't and won't come back to bite him into the unemployment line.  
    Yeh but I don't think H is going to believe that but he'd likely listen to LW if they said they weren't comfortable.
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with following a coworker on social media, but understand and respect that it's a boundary other people have.

    I think I would need more info on this.  If it's the employee's Instagram and the H follows all the other employees' Instagrams, then I could maybe see why he doesn't view it as unusual.  But he still shouldn't be clicking on and looking at her in scantily clad outfits.  That's just gross and weird for someone you know IRL.

    But if he doesn't follow other employees or if this is something more hard-core, like an OF account, then the H is already way out of bounds on it and the LW needs to set him straight.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
    Agreed
    but I think LW's spouse looks at it as "I'm supporting her Instagram, not following her OnlyFans"

    I think if LW is uncomfortable, that should be enough for their spouse to unfollow
    Oh I get it.  But I think the H is a fool if he thinks that his following can't and won't come back to bite him into the unemployment line.  
    Yeh but I don't think H is going to believe that but he'd likely listen to LW if they said they weren't comfortable.
    But the point is that LW shouldn't have to insert her comfort level about the photos into this when her H is acting the fool when it comes to his employment.

    Not the same thing but years ago DH and a friend plotted rowing out to a rock to paint something disparaging on it about his employer because they were continuing to get screwed over by decisions made by upper management. 

    I told him that I absolutely thought the prank itself was amusing but he was an absolute fool if he did it and I would not support him doing college pranks as an employed man with kids who wanted to stay that way. 

    DH listened to reason that his choice could affect his livelihood.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2022
    banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I think LW needs to look at it from their own perspective.
    Coworker is 15yrs younger and lingerie model. I'd be jealous/envious too!

    Maybe LW's spouse shouldn't be following but maybe LW should state to their spouse they're uncomfortable.
    "I get you're being supportive and I'm pro what she's doing, but I'm not pro you following her. It makes me uncomfortable - she's gorgeous."

    I've done this - noted things about something M sees and basically admitted I feel inferior. It wasn't for attention or him to say anything, but so he saw it as I feel like this is a competition no one needs.
    I don't agree.  I think she should tell him it's not an appropriate dynamic due this supervisory role and does not set a clear boundary.  This isn't following Lynda from down the hall.  She's a subordinate.

    You should not be following the nearly naked photos of a person for whom you can make or brake their upcoming salaries unless you yourself run the lingerie company.  If his position is unrelated then this is a nightmare for both of them waiting to happen. 
    Agreed
    but I think LW's spouse looks at it as "I'm supporting her Instagram, not following her OnlyFans"

    I think if LW is uncomfortable, that should be enough for their spouse to unfollow
    Oh I get it.  But I think the H is a fool if he thinks that his following can't and won't come back to bite him into the unemployment line.  
    I think it depends, because if he never likes, comments, messages, brings it up at work, etc. and treats her fairly and professionally, then what can she prove if she has a complaint about a performance review or some other discipline that solely has to do with work (like attendance or if it's a position where your work is monitored regularly and feedback on your work product is provided)?  Replace posting her boobs for posting political memes (on either spectrum).  It's the same, IMO. 

    If he follows Susan in accounting who is not 'hot' by society standards and has 3 cats or Tom in purchasing who's married with kids, he may see following this employee as the same thing. 

    Do I think this is a good idea for him to follow her?  Maybe not, but because social media is a sticky wicket, it's blurred lines where if you are friends with people you work with, where does the line between personal and professional land?

    I personally am friends with many people I work with.  My job encourages social media use, especially for employees to be 'brand ambassadors' and promote our company culture through our hashtag and posting from events and parties.  I'm unafraid to post pics from my life, even from like, boating and I'm in a swimsuit, or political opinions even with my boss and director on my friends list.  I'm actually more tempered because of the people I know IRL and not wanting to hear their BS than I am worried about what someone from work thinks. I think online debates are often dumb and people are very comfortable being willfully obtuse behind a computer screen. 

    Anyway, I think LW needs to separate some feelings here.  I think she's coming from a place of "she's hot and displays her hotness outside of work and I don't want him looking at that" vs. a more pragmatic, "my husband should think about his choices in who he follows because the last thing he needs is any whiff of impropriety as a leader in his company.  there are other hot women on the internet to look at."  That's two different attitudes, IMO.  
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with following a coworker on social media, but understand and respect that it's a boundary other people have.

    I think I would need more info on this.  If it's the employee's Instagram and the H follows all the other employees' Instagrams, then I could maybe see why he doesn't view it as unusual.  But he still shouldn't be clicking on and looking at her in scantily clad outfits.  That's just gross and weird for someone you know IRL.

    But if he doesn't follow other employees or if this is something more hard-core, like an OF account, then the H is already way out of bounds on it and the LW needs to set him straight.
    I would say that this is different from following an employees personal IG account where they may just happen to have some NSFW photos. This is her business account that is specifically created to promote her lingerie modeling career. It doesn't have the same social aspect.
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with following a coworker on social media, but understand and respect that it's a boundary other people have.

    I think I would need more info on this.  If it's the employee's Instagram and the H follows all the other employees' Instagrams, then I could maybe see why he doesn't view it as unusual.  But he still shouldn't be clicking on and looking at her in scantily clad outfits.  That's just gross and weird for someone you know IRL.

    But if he doesn't follow other employees or if this is something more hard-core, like an OF account, then the H is already way out of bounds on it and the LW needs to set him straight.
    I would say that this is different from following an employees personal IG account where they may just happen to have some NSFW photos. This is her business account that is specifically created to promote her lingerie modeling career. It doesn't have the same social aspect.
    And I think it isn't that difficult to accidently like a photo.  Oops!  I didn't mean to tap that thong! 
  • I just. Assure y’all. That following a much younger subordinate’s modeling Instagram. Is not going to work out well employment wise. 
  • This also rubs me the wrong way because it just seems like another excuse for a guy to be creepy but try to couch it in “I’m just being a woke lefty liberal like you want! Don’t you want women’s rights and liberation without being shamed?!” And I cannot stand guys like that. 


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