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People are allowed not to be attracted to others for different reasons

short+sassyshort+sassy member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Over the past three years I’ve lost a lot of weight. I look different, but I don’t feel like an entirely new person. I have always liked myself and known my worth. In the past six months, several of my friends have asked me out. Two of them had turned me down (kindly) back when I was a bigger size. The third is my close friend and long-term crush, Michael. I do have feelings for him, and the thought of kissing him makes my mouth run dry. At the same time, I’m still processing how much better people treat me now that I’m thin. It’s painful to navigate, and while Michael has always been great to me, I become anxious whenever I think about the role my skinniness played in his attraction to me. I want to date Michael, but I don’t know how to start or have this conversation with him.

—Suddenly Popular

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Re: People are allowed not to be attracted to others for different reasons

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Michael has always been great to you! Lean into that
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you're friends with him and he's asked you out then start with a drink and discuss where you are. 

    People can be attracted for tons of reasons but I also think it's important to discuss things like a 'what if' in a way that the LW can ultimately feel comfortable entering a relationship knowing that it's not balanced precariously on their weight.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I often hear this struggle from people who have lost a substantial amount of weight.  They feel resentful they get a lot of romantic attention, whereas they didn't before.  I get it, it's not fair.  But, at the same time, that's often how it is.  Not just about weight, but lots of things that society "prizes" when it comes to how someone looks.

    The LW knows Michael only became attracted to them, when they lost weight.  But that is probably going to be true for other people they meet.  It's just harder with Michael because the LW knows it, for a fact.

    I don't think Michael is a bad person.  I don't think the LW should necessarily avoid dating him, but they also need to know the score and accept it.  If they can't and it will always bother them, they should move on.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2022
    It's important that Michael has always been great to you. It's also important to honor your feelings here and to really explore whether you're feeling that Michael is only attracted to your new body, both because your body is not your identity and because of the fear that his feelings could change. This is a lot and it's heavy. It's ok to take some time with it if you need to.

    Our relationships with our bodies and body images are complicated. It's really hard to adjust how you see yourself and how you perceive attention when your appearance has changed a lot. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wonder of age has anything to do with it?

    Let’s take dating app attention.

    in my 30’s I started them dating apps. I weighed more.  I got some replies, met exH, and that was that.  He was attracted to bigger women (actually, he was attracted to all women and never stopped and that was the problem).

    Had the sleeve at 38. TT at 40.

    Went back to the online dating apps because I think that’s my only avenue.  I feel like I’m getting a LOT more communication now than before and I really do think there’s the same amount of people on these things.

    But part of me doesn’t think it’s the weightloss.  I think in my 30’s I was attracting 30/40 year olds and now in my 40’s I’m attracting 40/50 year olds and with that, I think maturity has a role.  These men are less about looks and more about compatibility.  I hope anyway.  So maybe Michael is like that too? Maturing and seeing LW in a new light because of looks but also personality.

    Give him a chance. 

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