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Fade out and take the friendship lesson with you.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m not sure the best way to end a long-standing friendship. She has always needed more emotional support and time from our friendship and I’ve given it from a place of care and a sense of equity; it’s OK to give more at times when a friend needs it and then take more when I need it. But that dynamic has never changed in our 20-year relationship. Recently, I got married and she told me she couldn’t come due to her kids. I gave her a lot of support (financial, emotional, and time) for her wedding and subsequent divorce. I felt so angry that she couldn’t show up for mine. I wasn’t sad she couldn’t be there. I was angry that she wasn’t showing up for me. I want to end our friendship. I only talk to her a few times a year. Not sure the best way to end it. Should I tell her how I’m feeling or just fade out (not return calls)?

—Still Angry Over It

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Re: Fade out and take the friendship lesson with you.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm honestly curious if the kids were invited and if that's why she couldn't come. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    This relationship is obviously not "it" for the LW but I also want to know if the LW is coming at the straw breaking the camel's back as being entirely unrealistic.

    I have a strained relationship with a friend and she thought I started to ghost once I had a child.  I wasn't ghosting the friendship - my life changed and a kid and then another and their lives and activities started to occupy my time more.  I was also not calling as much as I should but the expectations once a friend has kids shouldn't be the same plus another small human. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    You’re not required to remain friends with someone, even if you’ve known them for 20 years. Just let it fade if that’s what you want. 

    But, I’m totally reading into this I’m sure, it’s seems like the LW wants to tell the friend that they’re ending the friendship and why. And okay that’s fine but what do you hope to get out of it? You want the friend to know they’re wrong? 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Not much info in this letter, so I'm reading between the lines.

    The friend got married a long time ago.  Life and time was freer for both of them, back then.  And their friendship was closer and their contact more frequent, because of that.

    Now they only talk a few times a year.  It might be a long standing friendship, but it probably isn't a close one anymore.  The LW's feelings are valid.  I understand why they feel hurt.  But the friend's reasons for not going to the wedding might be perfectly valid also and not a "I don't care enough about our friendship to go" (this seems like the LW's POV).

    It sounds like this friendship has been fading away for a long time anyway.  I don't see any reason to make a big production and announce that the friendship is over, other than for the LW to get their hurt off their chest.  But that's not a good reason and isn't going to be the cathartic moment that they think it will be.

    Don't initiate contact.  If the friend does, the LW can either ignore it or then tell her something like, "I feel like our friendship has run its course.  I wish you well, but I no longer want to maintain it."
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    FWIW, I didn't go to the wedding of the friend that I lost touch with and it wasn't because I didn't want to go.

    She gave very short notice on the wedding date.  I was originally asked to be a BM and then she said she'd set a date later.  When she set the date it was about 2 months before the wedding.  At that time, DH and I had already bought non refundable hotel rooms to go to BIL and SIL's because our newest niece/nephew would be Baptized that weekend.  I looked into attending the Baptism and hopping on a plane and then meeting my family.  I would have done it if I thought I could logistically make it happen.  I couldn't.  

    But at the time my friend accused me of 'not putting in a lot of effort' when I told her I couldn't attend the wedding and I felt immensely salty and defensive in that accusation especially when there were major conflicts that kept me away.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think we talked about this one last week too. My vote is try to fade/ghost if you can. If it gets to the point where you have to say something, just tell her you don't want to continue the relationship. Telling her why is not going to solve anything and will just invite her to respond. This is one of those things where you can write all your shit in a letter and shove it in the back of your closet. 
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