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You can mention the noise, but leave the parenting concerns out of it.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

The next door neighbors have three young children, and I fear parenthood is not going well for them. Too much shouting, too much arguing with the kids (and occasionally between the parents). Life is great when grandma visits—everyone’s on good behavior and she’s great with the kids. But I don’t think the future is rosy for this family.

We don’t have children, and generally consider other people’s parenting none of our business. But the shouting is loud enough to hear when we’re in the house—so it’s not just concerning, it’s actually disturbing us.

We’re at a loss for whether and how to approach them. We’re on decent neighborly terms with them, and we really like grandma. Just wondering if there’s a way we can help turn down the heat, for them and for us.

—Concerned and Perturbed

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Re: You can mention the noise, but leave the parenting concerns out of it.

  • banana468banana468 member
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    Offer to take a kid shopping? 

    If they're young kids they may just have their own set of issues getting along which is par for the course.  I now wonder what my neighbor hears from my house.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    The LW should speak to their neighbors.  It can be done kindly and without becoming an argument.  People don't always realize how loud they are being.  Though it's also true that some people do and don't care.

    Knock on the door, at a calm time, and tell them something like, "We enjoy having you as neighbors.  And we know it must be difficult raising three, young children.  But you all may not realize how loud the arguments are.  We aren't complaining about the noise the children make.  We understand that kids are kids.  But we'd appreciate it if the two of you would be more mindful of your voice volume."
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Honestly, mind your own business. My kid went through a shrieking phase. Shrieked when he was happy, when he wanted something, when he was hungry. We’re teaching him about indoor & outdoor voices but it takes time. 

    Unless you suspect abuse or something else serious this should blow over when it’s cool enough to shut the windows. 
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Honestly, mind your own business. My kid went through a shrieking phase. Shrieked when he was happy, when he wanted something, when he was hungry. We’re teaching him about indoor & outdoor voices but it takes time. 

    Unless you suspect abuse or something else serious this should blow over when it’s cool enough to shut the windows. 
    My daughter screams. When she's tired, when she's happy, when she wants to get your attention.... My son thinks this is hilarious and yells at her to get her to scream more. Thank god our walls are made of concrete.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    There's a good chance that the grandmother is not fun and consequently why it's quiet.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Honestly, mind your own business. My kid went through a shrieking phase. Shrieked when he was happy, when he wanted something, when he was hungry. We’re teaching him about indoor & outdoor voices but it takes time. 

    Unless you suspect abuse or something else serious this should blow over when it’s cool enough to shut the windows. 
    To be fair, the LW isn't complaining about the noise the children make.  They're mainly complaining about the parents screaming at their children and screaming at each other, which is something that can be controlled.

    That is bullshit and the LW should say something.  Nobody needs to or should tolerate neighbors that unnecessarily make too much noise.  Whether that is music or adults screaming.

    Young children being too loud does suck, but at least it's understandable and largely unavoidable. And most people understand that.

    FWIW, as a landlady, I've had a few horrible tenants when it came to noise and disruption.  Numerous complaints from nearby tenants.  For one family, I also got complaints from the neighbors.  

    However, I have never had even one complaint about a child or baby making too much noise.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    short+sassy said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    Honestly, mind your own business. My kid went through a shrieking phase. Shrieked when he was happy, when he wanted something, when he was hungry. We’re teaching him about indoor & outdoor voices but it takes time. 

    Unless you suspect abuse or something else serious this should blow over when it’s cool enough to shut the windows. 
    To be fair, the LW isn't complaining about the noise the children make.  They're mainly complaining about the parents screaming at their children and screaming at each other, which is something that can be controlled.

    That is bullshit and the LW should say something.  Nobody needs to or should tolerate neighbors that unnecessarily make too much noise.  Whether that is music or adults screaming.

    Young children being too loud does suck, but at least it's understandable and largely unavoidable. And most people understand that.

    FWIW, as a landlady, I've had a few horrible tenants when it came to noise and disruption.  Numerous complaints from nearby tenants.  For one family, I also got complaints from the neighbors.  

    However, I have never had even one complaint about a child or baby making too much noise.
    We yell in our house.  Kids yell.  The parents need to yell TO the kids.  It happens.  

    It does sound like the yelling from the neighbors could be excessive  but I also loathe the concept that when grandma shows up it's quiet.  For my kids it's often quiet when the grandmother is over because the grandmother often shuts down my kids and tries to turn them into quiet versions she WANTS them to be vs. how they normally are.  That works for her visits but the answer isn't to have her there all the time or someone will be killing the mother in-law. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I need to understand how often this is happening and if LW can really truly hear these neighbors in their house with the windows and doors closed.  We lived in a vinyl village with paper thin walls and tiny yards where we literally had 2 feet of side yard and I never heard my neighbors in my house when they were inside their house (outside was a different story). 

    But this letter leans quite judgey in tone and like LW wants Prudie's permission to tell these people how to live and parent.    
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    When I was younger, I babysat for a family of 4.  They were really good.  The second youngest had a set of lungs on her - I used to think she should grow up to be an opera singer, it would reverberate through the house.  And she did it when she was happy or trying to get attention but it was ear splitting.  Thank God we lived in the country, when the nearest house was across the street!  I can't imagine what it would be like if they had lived right next door to someone.  But that's just kids making noise.
    Screaming happy screams (once you determine they are happy) is fine but arguing and yelling .... yeah, say something.

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