Confused

knottie3ad089b5d95bbba5 · September 2022

Thank you all.

maine7mob · September 2022

You need to ask him. If he has given you a ring, and you are sleeping together, surely you have the emotional standing to ask this question. No one here can answer this for you. Just say, "You gave me a ring. Does this mean you want me to marry you?" And if he hems and haws, you'll have your answer and will need to decide if you want to settle for this type of relationship. But I can tell you that if I were so uncomfortable discussing this with my SO, I would not want to continue the relationship.

knottie3ad089b5d95bbba5 · September 2022

Thank you

MyNameIsNot · September 2022

knottie3ad089b5d95bbba5 said:

Hi,

I think he proposed to me last weekend. He put a ring on my finger and told me that it was his mom's but never asked me anything. I asked what this was, and offered to wear the ring on the other hand, but he insisted that I should wear it on the engagement finger. Yet still asked me nothing. I asked for clarification on what was happening and he asked me, somewhat reluctantly, if I wanted "to scheme with him for the rest of our lives." This is a long relationship (5 years +) and he was a widower, which came with challenges as we had to walk a difficult mourning road together (we met a bit over a year after her passing). I'm worried that he could not ask bc that was meant only for the woman he was married to and lost (he said no when I told them I was confused and asked if he was struggling). Is been hard: I have met very few people in his life (Covid years did not help) and I am not in his social media so I am worried to tell anyone while he does not and be stuck "engaged". I am not excited. I am worried. I had just decided to have a relationship only us (even if his family and friends are not part of my life) and seek no more than we have, nor meet anyone, and stop expectations that were only hurting me, a week before he sprung the ring. I really don't know what to think or do. I told only a counselor friend, also asking her to keep it private, to see if sharing would break me out of this weird shell: she got excited, I remain not so. Otherwise, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone. I have often felt compassion (she was a wonderful woman) but also not like his new chance but his second best. I'm feeling that again. I'm in my 50s, not seeking the things that young woman might want out of a wedding at all, but I brought marriage up to test the waters and he seemed stressed in his extremely reserved way. He took the ring to be resized and tells me he will tell his daughter (adult woman in her 30s) but I'm not sure if he means that. I'm quite familiar with the back burner at this stage with him. We get along great when we are together and laugh a lot but always just us and in my part of life, never his. I had settled into the idea that it was a romance/lovers and that would be fine enough. Now I am engaged? maybe? and feel no excitement or sense of wanting to tell anyone or plan anything. I feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Has anyone been in any similar position? I have no family left, so I thought you, or some of you might have experienced anything that might guide me to process this better? This is not about leaving him or ending things. I just need to understand why I feel so lost about this.
Thank you.
PS: I could be extra sensitive bc his daughter (28/29 then) gave me a huge lecture a couple years back to tell me that he would never marry me, that was only for her mother (one must understand her own grieving), but continued that I was only in his life bc men have needs. I was very hurt by her implications though I reacted privately (crying) and tried to remain as gentle as possible while with her. I am actually super worried both of his telling her and not telling her. I feel so stuck.

You need to discuss this with him. No one can shed any light into what he's feeling but him.

Honestly, if the communication is so poor that you're not able to get clarity on whether this is a proposal and whether he wants to get married, the relationship is probably not in a good place for marriage. Not introducing you to his family and friends is a pretty big red flag here too. A wedding is not the point; are you sure you're ready to commit your life to someone who is this wishy-washy about you?

knottie3ad089b5d95bbba5 · September 2022

I must have not been clear. Im
not concerned about a wedding or long term choices. I was trying to understand my own reactions by asking about others with possibly similar reactions. I will make decisions but I sought to understand better first.

climbingsingle · September 2022

knottie3ad089b5d95bbba5 said:

I must have not been clear. Im
not concerned about a wedding or long term choices. I was trying to understand my own reactions by asking about others with possibly similar reactions. I will make decisions but I sought to understand better first.

Honestly, I think you should be concerned about long term choices. Are you really happy in this relationship? Is this something you want long term? You've brought up that you've felt and are feeling now like a second choice. That you're on the back burner. And it seems that the two of you don't really communicate.

I haven't been in your position so I can't really speak to that. But I think there are some red flags here that you shouldn't ignore. I'm in my 40s, divorced twice and in a relationship with a man (also divorced) with 3 kids. We started dating during Covid. We took our relationship extremely slow. We didn't even put a label on anything until 8 months after we were dating. Neither of us want to get married again. But I have no questions about the way he feels about me, how I feel about him, and how I fit into his life.

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