Dear Prudence,
My brother-in-law “John” and I are good friends. We are the same age (mid-20s), share some similar interests, and live in the same city. A couple of days ago, John complained to me while golfing about his inability to find a girlfriend. His complaints included comments that remind me of things I’ve heard from “incel communities.”
“Girls only want to go for the guys who are assholes to them because they like being treated that way.” “If you aren’t a gym rat, girls won’t even look your way.” “Good guys like me can never find girls.” “I don’t know why a girl who isn’t skinny would think I would want to date her.” (John is a heavier set guy.) I think one of the biggest problems though, John has zero interest in trying to be the kind of person that someone else would want to date.
John dropped out of school and has no interest in furthering his education. He lived with my wife and me about a year ago while “looking for work” while burning through his savings from a grocery store job he held back when he lived at home. He lives in apartments that cater to college students, which means he has five freshman roommates. He spends most of his nights watching TV, playing video games, or going to parties with his roommates. I helped get him an entry-level support staff job at my work so he would have some form of income (and get out of my house), and since his rent is so cheap he doesn’t push himself to find better work or increase his skills. He’s come to a few parties with groups of friends of mine, and every time he just complains none of the girls are “good looking” and then goes back to swiping on Tinder.
Prudie, I’m not sure what to say to him. On the one hand, I don’t want him looking for internet support in communities that are rampant with misogyny and anger. On the other hand, I want to shake him and tell him that no girl wants to date a guy whose idea of a date is to take her back to play video games with his five freshman roommates, but I worry that will drive him away. Any advice?
—Oh Brother