Name your baby Jack and I'm not sure she needs a 'head's up'.

mrsconn23 · October 2022

Dear Prudence,

Fourteen years ago, I had a roommate in college named “Annie.” Annie and I became good friends, and though we aren’t as close now as we were in college, we are social media friends and I see her in person about once every other year when our old friend group gets together.
Annie has struggled for years with infertility, but last year, she excitedly announced she was pregnant with a little boy. She posted weekly updates online about her pregnancy and baby “Jack” (not the actual name). I also love the name Jack, and my husband and I had talked about naming our next child Jack if we had a boy. However, I wasn’t worried that both babies would be named Jack, as it’s not an uncommon name, and besides, Annie and I live in different time zones.
Tragically, last November, Annie had a third-trimester miscarriage which resulted in some serious health complications for her. Her friends and family did their best to love and support her, and I organized a meal to be delivered to her and her husband, sending my love and condolences.

Since then, Annie posts tributes to Jack online, and I can’t imagine how heartbreaking everything has been. Here’s my question: I am pregnant and due in November, with a boy, and we’d still like to name him Jack. (The name has a special significance to my husband and me.) However, I don’t want to hurt Annie. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to learn that my friend had a baby boy almost exactly a year after I lost my baby with the same name. And this will also be my third child.

What is the best way to go about this? I’m not planning on posting a lot about my baby, but I’d like to announce when he’s born and include a photo. I feel like I should warn Annie in a private message a few weeks ahead of my due date, so she’s not shocked online. Is that appropriate? Am I a terrible person for wanting to use the name Jack?

—Name Dilemma

charlotte989875 · October 2022

Ugh I don’t know. Yes you can use the name, but this feels weird to me. H’s cousin lost a baby in the third trimester and I would never name a child after him. I just wouldn’t.

If LW is going to stick with the name don’t give her a heads up. But also don’t be surprised if she has feelings about it either.

banana468 · October 2022

You're not a terrible person because a name can have significance to you in a positive way in the same way that it can evoke sadness or anger. There's a reason that my son doesn't have the same first or middle name as my college ex-BF and even though I have an uncle with the same first name, it never made the list.

IMO, the "dibs" on a name is within a family only. When you're talking about someone who you see maybe once a year I don't think it's the same level of "clearing".

All bets would be off IMO if Annie was the LW's sibling or even a 1st cousin but IMO LW needs to name her baby and IMO I would not alert Annie in advance.

levioosa · October 2022

charlotte989875 said:

Ugh I don’t know. Yes you can use the name, but this feels weird to me. H’s cousin lost a baby in the third trimester and I would never name a child after him. I just wouldn’t.

If LW is going to stick with the name don’t give her a heads up. But also don’t be surprised if she has feelings about it either.

Ditto this. And tbh I’m not sure what would even be gained by the heads up. They’re not exceptionally close, they barely talk and they see each other once every two years. Of course she will be upset. Are you looking for her to have excited feelings about it?

mrsconn23 · October 2022

I feel there's zero way to give a head's up without Annie seeing it as asking for permission and I feel that's a can of worms that you cannot predict. If you feel that strongly about naming your kid Jack and that it's been planned since before Annie's Jack, then do it. But there's no way to know how Annie will feel and it's out of your control. So if you feel you can't handle her being upset with you, then maybe it's on you to choose a different name.

I am with @banana468, she's not in LW's family, so I think it's OK to name the kid Jack. If it was a close cousin or something, it would be way different IMO.

banana468 · October 2022

charlotte989875 said:

Ugh I don’t know. Yes you can use the name, but this feels weird to me. H’s cousin lost a baby in the third trimester and I would never name a child after him. I just wouldn’t.

If LW is going to stick with the name don’t give her a heads up. But also don’t be surprised if she has feelings about it either.

I absolutely would not do this for family. There are at least four names of girls lost that are not usable for children in our family.

But that's so much different than a friend you see maybe 1x/yr and with whom you have a greater relationship on social media.

STARMOON44 · October 2022

You barely know her. Id honestly remove her from my social media.

ei34 · October 2022

I'm torn between two extremes- go ahead with the name Jack, you two don't sound that close; and don't use the name (it can't be that significant a name as it sounds like LW and her H have other sons they would've already used the name for).

I definitely don't think LW should give Annie a heads up though...then you're admitting that the name is "hers", and it isn't. This is honestly a case of someone who doesn't trim their friends list often enough. I don't think I'm social media friends with anyone from college (where I also was 14ish years ago) that I only see in person once every 24 months.

MyNameIsNot · October 2022

I would go with the name and limit social media postings to a specific audience. I mean, if you're social media friends with a lot of people like this - old friends that you really don't talk to - it's probably wise to limit some stuff to a smaller group anyway.

If it does happen that you're going to see her at another GTG some day, you mention that you'd used the name to her then.

MissKittyDanger · October 2022

It's hard to say. BK's name is largely parts of family that we've lost and we did give "heads up" to family before we knew gender. But that was all years ago loss ... so it's different.

I think if LW is talking to Annie, maybe find a way to drop the info without a heads up so Annie knows but you're not telling her about it specifically.

missJeanLouise · October 2022

I would pick a different name. I have a friend who miscarried at 37 weeks and there is no way I would do it.

flantastic · October 2022

I mean, it very much depends on how close they actually are now. But for the most part, if a friend wanted to name their kid the same name as DD2, I would assume it was unrelated, and also totally within their rights. As someone who has also had a hard time coming up with names that we both like, and for whom the names usually have a particular significance, I would never want someone to think they couldn't name their kid something they loved just because it might occasionally hurt for me.

I do suppose that I haven't dealt with this particular "opportunity" for processing grief myself (dealing with another kid - that I see often - having the same name as my dead baby), but honestly, I imagine the more difficult thing is seeing the twin girls down the street who are almost exactly the same age as DD2 would be. I don't think that a kid with the same name would be as hard.

Name your baby Jack and I'm not sure she needs a 'head's up'.

Re: Name your baby Jack and I'm not sure she needs a 'head's up'.

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