Did you or your daughters tell anyone what was going on?

mrsconn23 · October 2022

Dear Prudence,

I’m in my 60s and have significant health issues. Recently, I was hospitalized for two weeks (plus at-home aftercare) for something quite serious. Not one of my siblings or their children called, emailed, texted, or contacted my daughters. Not one. Very late last night, one of my siblings called needing a shoulder in the midst of a relationship problem. Nobody even told her I’d been hospitalized. And when I told her I’d just been discharged earlier in the day, she asked whether I’m home and if she could talk with me about her relationship. I don’t expect anyone to clutch their pearls every time I’m seriously ill or have surgery. But a two-week-long hospitalization is not for nothing.

I’m always there for them and for my nieces and nephews whenever there’s a tough spot. Always. I spent thousands at the drop of a hat a few months ago to give one sister a safe break away from an abusive relationship so she could find peace and security while she moved forward. I helped get another sibling’s son into hospice care when he was passing from cancer last year and FaceTimed with him many times every day because I absolutely loved that guy and my sibling was so utterly brokenhearted that she had trouble letting him go. I GoFundMe’d the heck out of his medical expenses, which were far beyond anything one family could ever handle. I have been there every step of the way because I love them and care about them with all my heart. They’re my family!

I’m just so sad. It feels like I’ve become irrelevant to my family of origin, as if my cancer and other health troubles make it seem that I’m already practically dead and they see no need in keeping in touch with me. How can I adjust my expectations and be at peace with “it is what it is?”

—Auntie Irrelevance

banana468 · October 2022

How would they have found out that you were hospitalized?

My own mom had her hip replaced and I only knew because she let it slip to MIL who was sworn not to tell me and on the day of the surgery she called DH saying that she's keeping her word but he needed to tell me.

Point being - you can't be upset that people didn't check in on your situation if they didn't know you had a situation.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

Did anyone tell your family you were sick? How else would they have known?

VarunaTT · October 2022

I'm not sure if LW told the rest of their family or not.

However, I'm not sure it matters. One of the things I've struggled with learning is that people are people and just b/c YOU would do X, Y, and Z automatically, doesn't mean they will. If you want them to do X, Y, and Z for you as well, you need to tell them. THEN if they don't, you have a discussion and make decisions. Also, the person she did talk to, acknowledged the situation and asked if they could discuss it with LW. That is appropriate as well.

levioosa · October 2022

On Saturday FSIL B called H while we were at the hospital visiting my dad. He needed a break from visiting so he made the mistake of picking up the call. She knew he was there. She knows about my dad. She proceeded to rant at him about her own problems for 40 minutes. She didn’t ask how we were doing, she hasn’t texted either of us to even offer condolences. I was ticked. He didn’t realize the conversation had gone on so long until it ended and he was more drained than he even had been visiting (hospitals stress him tf out and my mom was on a good one that day). I was just like see, this is why you need boundaries and you need to shut it down. Obviously I’m still annoyed.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

levioosa said:

On Saturday FSIL B called H while we were at the hospital visiting my dad. He needed a break from visiting so he made the mistake of picking up the call. She knew he was there. She knows about my dad. She proceeded to rant at him about her own problems for 40 minutes. She didn’t ask how we were doing, she hasn’t texted either of us to even offer condolences. I was ticked. He didn’t realize the conversation had gone on so long until it ended and he was more drained than he even had been visiting (hospitals stress him tf out and my mom was on a good one that day). I was just like see, this is why you need boundaries and you need to shut it down. Obviously I’m still annoyed.

This is my family too. I told sis about baby M and she complained at length about the house they just rapidly bought (without an inspection) and the problems with it and her H’e busy job. Cool, cool my kid is sick and our house is literally torn apart but sure I’ll listen to you complain about something you know about every year at this time.

levioosa · October 2022

Ugh I’m sorry charlotte. Also I cannot when people buy homes without inspections and then get surprised when something is wrong. Even good quality homes have a lot of issues sometimes. Plus I’m assuming she lives over near you and there’s like 9000 other problems that come with older houses exposed to cold weather all the time.

short+sassy · October 2022

I feel like I'm missing some important pieces. Especially how close the LW is to some of the family members. Do they talk regularly? If not, I totally understand and agree that she should be upset, but it also wouldn't really surprise me because she isn't part of their day-to-day or week-to-week routine.

You all have also made good points that, if her one sibling didn't even know about it, then maybe nobody else did either. Though then the sibling was still only focused on themselves.

Different situation from the letter, but my Mom purposely withheld medical info from me when my sister was seriously ill and they weren't sure she would survive.

All of it happened quickly and she went into surgery. Thankfully, she survived, and that was years ago and she's been fine.

I didn't know about any of it until after the fact. From my mom's perspective, I wouldn't be able to get there in time anyway, so she didn't want to worry me until they knew the outcome of the surgery. I also felt bad I didn't know. I actually would have been mad if I could have called my sister at least, but she was kept under sedation so I guess I understand why my mom did what she did. By the time I was told what happened, the surgery had gone well and my sister was in the clear. So it did, selfishly, save me a couple days of being really freaked out.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

levioosa said:

Ugh I’m sorry charlotte. Also I cannot when people buy homes without inspections and then get surprised when something is wrong. Even good quality homes have a lot of issues sometimes. Plus I’m assuming she lives over near you and there’s like 9000 other problems that come with older houses exposed to cold weather all the time.

Yup she’s nearby and there’s a problem with the roof because it’s 30 years old and we live in Buffalo. But they bought without an inspection and this is what happens. And her H has a deadline every year the first week of December and it’s always super busy. But she knows that and still every year it’s a Huge Deal.

banana468 · October 2022

A 30 year old roof is a problem because it's 30! I'm sorry @charlotte989875

short+sassy · October 2022

levioosa said:

Ugh I’m sorry charlotte. Also I cannot when people buy homes without inspections and then get surprised when something is wrong. Even good quality homes have a lot of issues sometimes. Plus I’m assuming she lives over near you and there’s like 9000 other problems that come with older houses exposed to cold weather all the time.

I was horrified to see that become the norm during the housing frenzy of last year. And especially first time homebuyers doing it.

There is just so much very expensive stuff that can go wrong with a house. Even worse case scenarios like a faulty foundation that can make a house uninhabitable. I went to a showing for a house like that. Though you didn't need an inspection to see the foundation was failing.

I don't do full inspections, but I do have all the major systems checked because that's the spendy stuff.

I've walked away from deals after the inspection. I've also gotten thousands knocked off the purchase price after the inspection, because there was a major defect that wasn't visible. $4K off one property because it needed sand pumped under the house to support the foundation. $5K off another because it needed a new roof in the near future.

The biggest story that covers both of those scenarios is the two duplexes next door to each other that I purchased at the same time in 2019. They were listed for $110K each. I offered something like $103K each and my offer was accepted. To be fair, there were a lot of interior pictures in the listing but because there were tenants living there, so I wasn't allowed to see the inside until we were under contract. I made that the same time I brought my inspector out. Massive problems I could not have seen, even if I'd had a viewing ahead of time.

They were advertised as having HVACs for all units, but they functionally didn't. The equipment was 30 years old and still kind of worked, but only at 50-60% capacity. All the ductwork had been destroyed by the roof leaks. One of the rooves needed to be totally replaced and the other one needed a few thousand in repairs. Active termite damage that hadn't spread too far, but would need immediate treatment. And some of the floors that looked salvageable in the pics were not. Same with two of the kitchens, I had to replace them all.

I already knew from the pics that the interiors weren't great and I needed to spend about $10K-$15K per. But the inspection added $60K-$70K more than I was expecting.

After the inspection, I countered him much less, $143K for both. He turned me down. I walked.

Three months later, I saw these duplexes drop in price. Pretty close to what my counter offer had been. I offered my original counter-offer back again. He wanted a few thousand more. Great. Done deal at $146K.

If I hadn't had an inspection, I would have overpaid by $60K. And that deal would have gone from a good one to a horrible, money-losing one.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

Yeah it sucks but the market near us is such that people are going multiple 10ks over asking without an inspection now because inventory is still so low. I judge my sister a bit for deciding to move so fast but this is what it’s taking right now.

ei34 · October 2022

The New Hampshire house (and most of the homes around it) have steep metal roofs because of all the snow. The Buffalo/home inspection talk made me think of it. And, I just like slipping NH into conversations when I can

Ditto @VarunaTT, this can be a tough lesson to learn and it takes many years, I still struggle with it at times myself, that the effort, energy and empathy you put into others often doesn't come back to you. Do what feels natural to you LW, being a giver is a personality type; though I don't mean to minimalize your hurt feelings. If you or your daughters told extended family what you were going through and they didn't even send a "checking in" text, that does suck.

short+sassy · October 2022

ei34 said:

The New Hampshire house (and most of the homes around it) have steep metal roofs because of all the snow. The Buffalo/home inspection talk made me think of it. And, I just like slipping NH into conversations when I can

Ditto @VarunaTT, this can be a tough lesson to learn and it takes many years, I still struggle with it at times myself, that the effort, energy and empathy you put into others often doesn't come back to you. Do what feels natural to you LW, being a giver is a personality type; though I don't mean to minimalize your hurt feelings. If you or your daughters told extended family what you were going through and they didn't even send a "checking in" text, that does suck.

When I first got insurance for one of my rental properties, the agent asked me if I wanted XYZ coverage (forgot what it's called). He told me it basically covered damage to the house if a tree fell on it or snow caved the roof in.

I joked with him and told him something like, "There aren't any trees around the house, so I don't need that. And if snow caves in my roof in New Orleans that will be the least of my worries, because the whole world would be in a lot trouble!"

Having always lived in warm climates, it is funny to see totally different roof designs in colder places. Especially mountainous areas. I've seen extremely steep roofs that also extend downward toward the ground.

Hmm, perhaps more proof of global warming. It snowed in NOLA twice in the first 10 years I lived here. And, from looking at weather records, that was about average. Once every 5 years.

But there has been no snow for the last 15 years. Which is disappointing also. Because it was so rare, when it did snow, everyone was filled with unbridled joy and wonder. Adults become like playful children. And children were completely out of their minds with excitement.

Did you or your daughters tell anyone what was going on?

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