She likely won't follow your 'rules', so invite her or don't.

mrsconn23 · October 2022

Dear Prudence,

My adult son is in a relationship with an alcoholic (his word, not mine). They work different shifts. He has come home from work and found her drunk in the bathtub and then they both wind up yelling. That is just one of many, many situations. I love him very much and have told him that I will always be here for him. He realized two years ago that alcohol was keeping him from truly being “present” in life and, as far as I know, has maintained his sobriety. As much as I want to tell him what to do, I understand I can’t. This is his relationship, not mine. Therefore it’s really none of my business.

However, the holidays are creeping up on us. My family has plans for everyone to gather at the beach for Thanksgiving. These plans have been in place for a year and it will be the first time in several years we have all been together since we live all across the country. Is there a polite way to tell him that there will be no alcohol or do I need to accept that she will drink and may cause a scene (or two)?

—Not the Girlfriend’s Keeper

banana468 · October 2022

Are your family also non-drinkers? Trying to gather a bunch of people on the beach for a celebratory weekend without alcohol unless they're already non drinkers sounds like a recipe for disaster.

VarunaTT · October 2022

I want to know why LW is saying no alcohol. If it's to help son's sobriety or b/c that's how LW wants it, awesome. If it's to try and control/manipulate the son's GF, nope.

Presuming honest intentions on LW's part....tell son and let son handle/fight it out with GF.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

This really isn’t your place to police their drinking. Serve what you want, and don’t pre- message this to your guests. If you want to serve alcohol, serve it while knowing it might not end well but that you can’t serve it to some adult guests and not others. If you want a dry holiday that’s fine too but what are you going to do if other people bring wine? Not just the GF but any of the other guests?

If she drinks, and drinks too much you deal with that as it happens.

banana468 · October 2022

I'm reading this like they're gathering in a beach home. So this isn't just what to serve for Thanksgiving dinner but is she proposing a dry house for a full weekend? If they live across the country then it's likely not just a meal.

levioosa · October 2022

Ditto PPs. I also feel like we are missing part of the story and we need the other side. Son is sober. Is it possible he is triggered by any alcohol? Is she really drunk or has he come home to her having a relaxing wine in the bath and he’s lost it so she gets defensive back? Maybe GF is an alcoholic, or maybe son is just really triggered by any alcohol use and he feels as though it’s unfair to his recovery journey to have any around him as a SO. Either way it doesn’t sound like they’re very compatible.

MyNameIsNot · October 2022

banana468 said:

I'm reading this like they're gathering in a beach home. So this isn't just what to serve for Thanksgiving dinner but is she proposing a dry house for a full weekend? If they live across the country then it's likely not just a meal.

That's how I read it too. Saying no alcohol is a quick way to get an alcoholic to trade the wine at dinner for a hidden flask.

You can't police another adult's alcohol consumption, and you can't make rules to force your adult child into dealing with a relationship problem that they're not ready or willing to deal with.

banana468 · October 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

banana468 said:

I'm reading this like they're gathering in a beach home. So this isn't just what to serve for Thanksgiving dinner but is she proposing a dry house for a full weekend? If they live across the country then it's likely not just a meal.

That's how I read it too. Saying no alcohol is a quick way to get an alcoholic to trade the wine at dinner for a hidden flask.

You can't police another adult's alcohol consumption, and you can't make rules to force your adult child into dealing with a relationship problem that they're not ready or willing to deal with.

But it's also a way for the people who aren't even alcoholics to roll eyes at a rule that they think is dumb. Or they move from the beach house to the beach bar.

VarunaTT · October 2022

The rule can be dumb, but if LW is hosting and doesn't want alcohol at their event, not matter what the reason, the host has the right to do so. I was supposed to be helping out a friend recently who is in a terrible situation. He was going to live with me for a month. I know he drinks/parties. I put down my "rules" and one of them was no alcohol in my house. I didn't tell him he couldn't drink, I didn't care what he did outside of my house, but my sobriety and my home is more important than his need/desire for alcohol. He can eyeroll all he likes; honestly if someone said "no smoking weed at this party", no one would bat an eye. Welcome to alcohol lobbying consequences.

I do stand by if LW is trying to control the drinking of GF by the no alcohol rule (aka this isn't something they would normally do), then is BS. But if this is just LW's rule for hosting, people can deal with not having alcohol at one event. If not, maybe start examining why.

ETA: I'm talking about legal weed, not an legal issue.

banana468 · October 2022

VarunaTT said:

The rule can be dumb, but if LW is hosting and doesn't want alcohol at their event, not matter what the reason, the host has the right to do so. I was supposed to be helping out a friend recently who is in a terrible situation. He was going to live with me for a month. I know he drinks/parties. I put down my "rules" and one of them was no alcohol in my house. I didn't tell him he couldn't drink, I didn't care what he did outside of my house, but my sobriety and my home is more important than his need/desire for alcohol. He can eyeroll all he likes; honestly if someone said "no smoking weed at this party", no one would bat an eye. Welcome to alcohol lobbying consequences.

I do stand by if LW is trying to control the drinking of GF by the no alcohol rule (aka this isn't something they would normally do), then is BS. But if this is just LW's rule for hosting, people can deal with not having alcohol at one event. If not, maybe start examining why.

Totally agree.

The reality here is that if the son is dating someone who is inebriated in the bathtub that's a safety issue for HER. And the bigger focus needs to not be on Thanksgiving but her health.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

VarunaTT said:

The rule can be dumb, but if LW is hosting and doesn't want alcohol at their event, not matter what the reason, the host has the right to do so. I was supposed to be helping out a friend recently who is in a terrible situation. He was going to live with me for a month. I know he drinks/parties. I put down my "rules" and one of them was no alcohol in my house. I didn't tell him he couldn't drink, I didn't care what he did outside of my house, but my sobriety and my home is more important than his need/desire for alcohol. He can eyeroll all he likes; honestly if someone said "no smoking weed at this party", no one would bat an eye. Welcome to alcohol lobbying consequences.

I do stand by if LW is trying to control the drinking of GF by the no alcohol rule (aka this isn't something they would normally do), then is BS. But if this is just LW's rule for hosting, people can deal with not having alcohol at one event. If not, maybe start examining why.

ETA: I'm talking about legal weed, not an legal issue.

Oh yah I mean if she wants no alcohol then she can have it, no question. But I think if it’s a targeted rule to try and control what one guest is going it’s not going to work.

banana468 · October 2022

charlotte989875 said:

VarunaTT said:

The rule can be dumb, but if LW is hosting and doesn't want alcohol at their event, not matter what the reason, the host has the right to do so. I was supposed to be helping out a friend recently who is in a terrible situation. He was going to live with me for a month. I know he drinks/parties. I put down my "rules" and one of them was no alcohol in my house. I didn't tell him he couldn't drink, I didn't care what he did outside of my house, but my sobriety and my home is more important than his need/desire for alcohol. He can eyeroll all he likes; honestly if someone said "no smoking weed at this party", no one would bat an eye. Welcome to alcohol lobbying consequences.

I do stand by if LW is trying to control the drinking of GF by the no alcohol rule (aka this isn't something they would normally do), then is BS. But if this is just LW's rule for hosting, people can deal with not having alcohol at one event. If not, maybe start examining why.

ETA: I'm talking about legal weed, not an legal issue.

Oh yah I mean if she wants no alcohol then she can have it, no question. But I think if it’s a targeted rule to try and control what one guest is going it’s not going to work.

That's what I was sort of seeing. Like if MIL suddenly pulled a 'no alcohol in the house' rule because she wanted it for an upcoming guest we'd roll our eyes.

And I would welcome some kind of vice if I was spending a full weekend in a house with family.

short+sassy · October 2022

I think if the "no alcohol" is a normal rule for this gathering and group, then either the son knows that or should be told that so it can be passed along to the g/f. It could cause them to go stay somewhere else. But if "no alcohol" is just to control the g/f's behavior, that's a major side-eye. Especially since it will effect so many other people. This is actually why my impression is that it's probably a normal thing for this family group.

I had an ex-b/f (D) who had broken up with the g/f before me because of her alcoholism, though there were also other reasons. They met when they both worked at a casino and it was normal for their whole group to go out drinking when everyone got off work. No matter what time that was, because sometimes it was 8am on a Tuesday, lol. But then the casino closed. They both got "day" jobs. He cut his drinking and partying back because now that didn't make sense for his new work schedule, but she did not. He told me similar stories of her often being passed out drunk by mid-evening and then had to get up for work the next day.

But now I have a drinking story about the same guy. We traveled back to visit my family for Christmas. The usual traditions, at least for me. We go to church on Christmas Eve, then back to the house for a multi-variety appetizer and multi-variety cookie dinner. Everyone opens their stocking and one gift. We were staying with my mom and I had driven to church separately because there wasn't enough room in my mom's car.

As we left the church parking lot, D asked about the alcoholic beverage situation. I hadn't even thought about it because I'm used to it being...nothing. My mom doesn't have an alcohol-free house, but she rarely drinks alcohol and doesn't keep it in the house.

So he starts panicking that we need to stop at the grocery store and pick up a bunch of bottles of wine for that night and tomorrow (Christmas). I'm pretty shocked and trying to explain how it will be really awkward to unexpectedly show up 30 minutes late, toting a bunch of wine that we had to stop for. Neither one of us had a cell phone...yes, it was that long ago, lol...so I can't even call my mom that we are going to be late. But he's insistent and getting upset because it's super weird to him to not have alcohol on Christmas Eve and Christmas. So, whatever, I drive to the store.

I wasn't worried about him drinking too much or anything like that, because he was responsible with his drinking and I know he's not going to get sloshed around my mom. I also wouldn't have minded if he'd said something earlier in the day. But I was VERY embarrassed to get back to the house so much later than everyone else. With my mumbled explanation for being late being because wine was a tradition in D's family, so we needed to stop at the store on the way home and buy some. My mom definitely gave us a weird look. But she at least had one glass of wine, from the wine D bought. Not that night, but on Christmas day.

But I still cringe when I remember, "Sorry we're late on this sacred, holy night. We had to buy wine!"

She likely won't follow your 'rules', so invite her or don't.

Re: She likely won't follow your 'rules', so invite her or don't.

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