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I work for a racist with dementia

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m a live-in caregiver for an old woman who has (relatively mild) dementia. Here’s my problem: She’s racist, and I don’t know what I should do to address it. We are both white, and I feel like I should be calling her out, but I also don’t know if I’m actually doing any good when I do so. My responses so far have been uncomfortable silence, a quick explanation of why something she’s said is factually incorrect, or just stating that I disagree, but…I don’t know. Is there a more effective way to address this?

—Dementia Doesn’t Excuse Racism

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Re: I work for a racist with dementia

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    banana468banana468 member
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    You are likely not going to change someone who has dementia.  What you CAN do is kindly point out factual inaccuracies but if she's also requiring a live-in care giver, then she's a person who may be less likely to remember your conversations much less change her way of thinking. 

    That doesn't mean that you can't point out when she makes statements that are wrong but you're likely dealing with someone who is only going to have more issues understanding reality and there's likely not much that you can do when her brain may not be capable of processing it. 

    FWIW, I deal with this with my dad a bit.  I think in 2020 my mom decided she wasn't going to take him to vote.  That was something SHE got to do as the spouse.  It's not exactly something the LW can do.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Maybe this is terrible but if she has dementia and she won’t remember then why wouldn’t you say something? Sure it might be frustrating to say it over and over again but isn’t that better than awkwardly listening to racist garbage and not saying a word?
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    No point and not your job
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    If it makes the LW feel better to say something, then they should do it.  But I find it odd they think anything they say is going to make a difference.  This person has dementia.  It's hard enough to change the personality/thoughts of someone who is mentally aware.  It's impossible to do it with someone whose mental clarity and memory is slipping further away with time.  
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    TBH, I think I'd let this one slide.  Dementia is a helluva beast.  There are terrible stories about LGBTQ+ people forgetting they've been out for decades and sliding back into the closet when they suffer from dementia.  For all LW knows, this person did the unpacking and has lost it.  I can only speak for myself, but I'd just chalk it up to the dementia and let it slide and pray it didn't happen in public.
    �
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    banana468banana468 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Maybe this is terrible but if she has dementia and she won’t remember then why wouldn’t you say something? Sure it might be frustrating to say it over and over again but isn’t that better than awkwardly listening to racist garbage and not saying a word?
    I think the issue is whether or not this is a situation where they're in the house alone or not.

    Yeah, I get speaking up if you're in a public setting but I just don't correct people like my dad.  He doesn't always remember my daughter's name.  There is absolutely no point in doing this in private because he literally lacks the capacity to understand. 
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    "There is more than one live-in PCA job out there" LW...  



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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Maybe this is terrible but if she has dementia and she won’t remember then why wouldn’t you say something? Sure it might be frustrating to say it over and over again but isn’t that better than awkwardly listening to racist garbage and not saying a word?
    I like this. Especially if you can come up with a line or two that shuts her up quickly. Sure, maybe you're not going to change her mind, but LW doesn't need to listen to it, and a quick shut down would be helpful if they're around other people. 
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