H off meds is bad for me, but he thinks it's good for him.

mrsconn23 · October 2022

Dear Prudence,

My husband has executive functioning and emotional dysregulation disorder. When he is on his medicine, he is a conscientious, loving, patient man. Off of them, he is short-tempered, has no filter, and can’t concentrate. The trouble is, his meds (which is at least the tenth combination that he’s tried and works really well) make him feel “not like himself”—so he only wants to take them during the week when he needs to perform at his job. On the weekends, he often skips them or “forgets” to take them until it’s too late (he can’t sleep if he takes them after a certain time), and then our kids and I are left dealing with his issues. I feel like it’s unfair that we never get his best self on the days we spend with him, and he feels like his family who loves him should understand that he doesn’t want to be medicated 24/7. When I try to explain that it’s hard on us dealing with the scatteredness and temper, he gets really defensive and says I only love him when he’s on drugs. What should I do?

—Always Getting Mr. Hyde

banana468 · October 2022

I think you both need therapy.

I'd be clear that it's not about loving him when he's not on drugs. It's that you find it very hard to want to embrace the person he is when he's not taking his medication because you are the recipient of anger, no filter and an inability to concentrate.

Maybe you can compare his medication to someone with a blood pressure issue. It's not OK to refuse that medication on Saturday and Sunday as a break. This is a prescription that is treating an issue that he needs.

charlotte989875 · October 2022

What do his doctors say? Are there impacts of coming off and going back on his meds like this? Self-weaning can be really dangerous and could have big side effects.

But it also sounds ds damaging to your kids. Therapy for everyone.

mrsconn23 · October 2022

We went through a period of time when we were kids where my dad was not managing his type 1 diabetes well and was having a lot of low blood sugar spells. They were terrifying because he would be like a drunk angry and cornered person and he'd make very little sense. My mom worked retail my entire life and worked store closing a few times a week, therefore she was getting panicked phone calls from her under 10-year-old children and we were also getting to know the neighbors (which was HIGHLY embarrassing for my parents, especially my mom) and the local paramedics well during that time. I found out much later that my mom apparently told my dad to get his shit together, see his doctor, tell her what he needed from her, and figure out what he needed to do to get it under control, or she was out because she wasn't leaving us in an unsafe situation.

LW, you entirely have the right to tell your H that this isn't working and that he, with your help, needs to figure this out. He clearly needs the meds to function at work and it's not fair for him to take weekends 'off', but I also understand his need to feel like himself, especially at home and during his free time. You also maybe need to start looking at this as a problem you both need to be involved in solving rather than his problem he needs to fix on his own.

downtondiva · October 2022

banana468 said:

I think you both need therapy.

I'd be clear that it's not about loving him when he's not on drugs. It's that you find it very hard to want to embrace the person he is when he's not taking his medication because you are the recipient of anger, no filter and an inability to concentrate.

Maybe you can compare his medication to someone with a blood pressure issue. It's not OK to refuse that medication on Saturday and Sunday as a break. This is a prescription that is treating an issue that he needs.

This is a great way to put it. Absolutely agree that therapy is necessary here. If nothing else, as the spouse, I'd want to know what he means by the meds making him feel "not like himself." Given that he is short-tempered, etc. when he doesn't take them, him saying that sets off an alarm bell for me.

banana468 · October 2022

downtondiva said:

banana468 said:

I think you both need therapy.

I'd be clear that it's not about loving him when he's not on drugs. It's that you find it very hard to want to embrace the person he is when he's not taking his medication because you are the recipient of anger, no filter and an inability to concentrate.

Maybe you can compare his medication to someone with a blood pressure issue. It's not OK to refuse that medication on Saturday and Sunday as a break. This is a prescription that is treating an issue that he needs.

This is a great way to put it. Absolutely agree that therapy is necessary here. If nothing else, as the spouse, I'd want to know what he means by the meds making him feel "not like himself." Given that he is short-tempered, etc. when he doesn't take them, him saying that sets off an alarm bell for me.

From what I've understood, it's not about the temper and instead it's the overall body and brain feeling that some people report when they are on any drug that affects concentration or mood.

The way I read it is that the H doesn't feel that his true self is a guy who is ill tempered but the medication may make him feel more cloudy.

I'm sympathetic that medications may mask what they're treating and still have side effects but I don't know that it means the answer is to refuse to take it.

STARMOON44 · October 2022

Get the divorce!!!

MissKittyDanger · October 2022

Although therapy is a great idea, I think LW and their H need to sit with the dr that prescribed the meds and discuss what's happening.

I've gone off my meds many times and it's not always the same situation, but it always goes really bad. (like to the point M has considered taking me to hospital due to a mental break)

But once I spoke with my dr about things, we were able to get things adjusted to my needs
Short version - since my meds are mostly for depression which is worse in fall/winter - instead of going off in nicer months (which I basically did because "i'm fine"} I was able to adjust my dosage with dr suggestions.

VarunaTT · October 2022

If someone needs to be on meds for regulation, they need to be on them, period. God, I went through this mess with K and their refusal to take the meds that made them, and I truly mean this, not effin' crazy, was one of the issues that led to the breakup. It wasn't a beautiful moment on my part, but basically in response to another "I don't feel like myself" was a in-detail description of what apparently their "real self" was and that I didn't like that person and wouldn't be staying with them. We were both right, TBH.

Kids are in the equation here though. So he definitely needs to get his shit together, b/c I'm sure LW is picking up the majority of parenting if this letter is any indicator. I think it's time for couples therapy and let someone else issue an ultimatum, basically, but LW is there.

MesmrEwe · October 2022

STARMOON44 said:

Get the divorce!!!

THIS!!!! It's not that LW doesn't love him when he's not on his meds, the reason he "doesn't feel like himself" on them is because at the heart of things, he's a MFAH and wants to be a MFAH and end of the day doesn't want to change that but wants to maintain steady employment more than being a good person to his wife and kids. It's not that he's not loved, it's that there's a mental health issue that needs to be dealt with and the person in control doesn't think he has a problem.

H off meds is bad for me, but he thinks it's good for him.

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