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You should hold firm on not meeting.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I had a one-night stand that ended in a pregnancy. Neither one of us was in a position to be a parent, but she couldn’t stand the thought of getting an abortion. We actually did have a great family lined up to adopt the baby, but my ex’s religious nut of a mother messed with her head and guilted her into keeping the baby. At this point, I offered to sign away my parental rights because I was just tired of the entire situation. They accepted and the grandparents adopted the baby. I haven’t heard from them since and went on with my life.

The kid is now an adult and has been messaging me on social media and wants “answers.” I had already sent them our full medical history and a short explanation about the circumstances of the conception (aka us being young, dumb kids). I wished them well but said I would rather not continue contact. They still want “answers” and are asking to meet face-to-face. What are my ethical obligations here?

I have been told by other people the kid deserves closure but closure over what? There is a biological link but that is it. I had nothing to do with how they were raised and I don’t feel anything particular about them. I also don’t want to particularly cause them pain. What should I do?

—Sperm Donor

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Re: You should hold firm on not meeting.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hold firm on not meeting.  You can offer additional information or insight but you also don't need to meet when it's likely going to be an overly emotional meeting for the kid and you've been clear about your intentions. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Casadena said:
    Agree, don't meet since you don't plan to alter your relationship at all and it seems like the "child" wants that.  If you can't commit to that I think it's better to not have further contact.
    Exactly. Agreeing to meet will only give the kid false hope and end up causing them more pain if you're only meeting to tell them again that you don't want a relationship. I don't know if it would be fair to ignore or block them if they keep contacting you, but stand your ground on not meeting and either give them more information if you have it or keep telling them that you've already told them everything and don't have anything more to say.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is controversial, but I do feel like bio parents have an obligation to at least have one conversation with a child they gave up for adoption/didn't raise.  It doesn't have to be over the phone or in person.  A letter/message/e-mail is fine.  Where they explain why they came to that decision and provide medical records.

    However, once that conversation has happened, that obligation is done.  If they no longer want contact, that needs to be respected.

    The LW has already provided the bio-kid with that information.  As well as telling them they don't want any more contact.  The LW should continue to ignore the messages and block this person, if they want to.

    Though I also have to say that I'm really sympathetic to the child.  Both my H and one of his cousins were adopted.  His cousin was obsessed with finding her birth parents and was 17 when she found her birth mother.  She sent her a letter.  The bio-mom sent her a letter back with similar info the LW included.  And also told her that she wished her well, but not to contact her again.  my H's cousin was absolutely devastated and cried for days.

    My H found one of his brothers (he had 3) and his bio-mom.  He's met both of them and he occasionally keeps in touch with them, but isn't close to either.  By the time he found them, his bio-father had already passed away.  But at least he knew his name and a little more about him.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2022
    I think if you’ve shared everything you are comfortable with, explain that and say you aren’t going to meet. Politely, but clearly that this is not a discussion. 

    I believe they are entitled to ask, and there is an obligation to share medical history, but you’re not obligated to more. 
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