My husband is a very good man. I’m so proud of him as a supportive husband, loving father, thoughtful manager, and that he actually does the work with me to decolonize our thinking (he’s a white European). He even learns bits of Japanese and wants to make sure our baby does, too (I am mixed race). I love him endlessly, we love each other’s families, our future plans are aligned, and we are obsessed with our child; so, mostly we live in harmony.
However, I find myself nitpicking everything he does! My motto is, “If you’re gonna do it, do it right.” I try to remind myself that everyone has their own way of doing things “right,” not just my way. But it’s just that his habit of doing half-assed things drives me bonkers. For example, he is in charge of cleaning the dishes which he often does while listening to his podcasts. Then I often find dishes put away that are clearly still dirty, mugs with TEXTURE at the bottom, forks with food dried on, baby bottles with a film of dried milk… He also doesn’t seem to understand how bacteria works; he pureed food for the baby, but then left it out for hours or he doesn’t clean out the water tank of the formula mixer with every refill—even though I’ve explained so many times that this will cultivate germs and could make the baby sick. He insists on being in charge of these things but every time I find something like this, I am thrown into a rage. The other day I text-bombed him while he was at a work event because I was so frustrated at finding dirty items and evidence that he ignored my request for careful cleaning of a baby tool. I told him that I would clean all of the baby’s things from now on because I no longer trust him to not accidentally poison our child. In doing so, I disrespected his request that I do not text him angrily at work because it stresses him out and he can’t resolve it at the moment. It was also mean. He doesn’t want to pass that chore to me.
I KNOW that I’m picky and a perfectionist in certain areas, and I feel like I’m being cruel to my wonderful, albeit clumsy, life partner. I know I should be far more patient and kind. I don’t want him to feel like he has to tiptoe around me, but how could he not when I could get annoyed at any moment over a gross spoon? Or choosing a terrible serving utensil? Or making the bed over the TV remotes? I want to be a supportive partner, but I probably just make him feel like everything he does is wrong. I wish he would be more deliberate and mindful, but I know I can’t change him. Am I being emotionally abusive? Am I immature? What is wrong with me? How can I reach through the red in the moment to pull through the calm I need to speak to him like a respectful adult?