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It's okay to leave toxic relationships

short+sassyshort+sassy member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Woes

My mom has been sick with stage 4 cancer since October 2019. I found out that my mom’s doctor informed her that the chemo stopped working, and said she would never be cured, that they were just trying to give her as much time as they could. She’s decided to try a holistic treatment before she goes into hospice. My brother and sister have been taking care of her most of the time and I would help a few days out of the week. My relationship with my mom has never been positive, she would verbally and emotionally abuse my siblings and me while constantly abandoning us for random men all throughout my life. It got to a point where I would tell her that when I grew up and was able to, I would leave and never speak to her ever again. As a young adult, my brother outed me for being in a relationship with a girl. My mom called me a demon which was normal for her but went as far as to say that I caused her cancer.

I tried to forgive her for everything she’s done but I’ve reached a breaking point and decided I can no longer go over to help her because of how much I still resent her and the fact that she’s never apologized for anything. I just don’t have the mental stability or capacity to bring myself to take care of someone who never really took care of me. It’s a weight lifted off my shoulders but I still feel guilty because I know I should want to be there. How do I stop hating myself for my decision and not let my siblings’ judgment get to me?

—Coming to Terms with My Decision

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Re: It's okay to leave toxic relationships

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Therapy. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The LW didn't say much about the relationship with their siblings.  They mentioned the brother outed them, which was major.  But not how they feel about both siblings and if they want to cut them off also.

    If some of their guilt is because they feel they are burdening their siblings, they could help their siblings out while still staying NC with the mother.  For example, help the siblings with some of their errands.  That kind of thing.  Not that the LW should feel obligated to!

    I hope they are already seeing a therapist.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I was seeing that the LW was ending the letter with concern about the siblings judging them.  So it's on that note that I'd think they're likely getting both the guilt from mom but also from their brother and sister.  It doesn't mean that they need to change what they're doing but have a plan on how to deal with it. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You can quit toxic relationships at any time. 

    However I have to wonder if there’s grief tied up in trauma here that LW is reacting to. I wonder if the news that the treatment has ended and the end is near that LW is having a lot of feelings around their relationship with their mother. Of course they do not need to engage with her, but therapy to help them figure out how to deal with their mother dying and never having contact with her ever again. 
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