I'd love to hear your daughter's perspective.

mrsconn23 · November 2022

Dear Prudence,

My daughter is demanding I greatly diminish if not completely get rid of what she calls hoarding and clutter, and what I call my crafting supplies. I feel she is being selfish in her demands. I have already de-cluttered and given away many things. I don’t keep what I make. Creating calms me. I enjoy giving to others. Occasionally, I accept donations. I have become disabled and these things prove to be hard at times, working with pain. On the days I’m not in as much pain I look to this as an outlet. We live in a two-bedroom apartment and hope to get a house, which she now refuses to do because of my hoarding of crafts. I have compromised by the above-stated. And yet she won’t budge. She never stays in the apartment, saying she’s depressed and it causes her anxiety to be here. We fight when we broach the subject. I’m at a loss. I do feel I deserve to have what little time I have to enjoy these things. But what she says and how she behaves angers me and pulls at my heartstrings.

—At a Loss

banana468 · November 2022

Is the couch full of amigurumi animals and pillows? I would love to hear what the daughter has to say. I will say, as the kid of a mom with two sewing machines, the raw material has a way of accumulating. That's fine when mom uses a spare bedroom but if she used the common space for her crafts it would look like a mess.

climbingsingle · November 2022

I'm thinking that since it's a 2 bedroom apartment, her craft supplies are probably taking over a lot of space. And that's what causing her daughter to say these things and to not want to be there. And it sounds like she has concerns on how the possible hoarding would take over a whole house.

charlotte989875 · November 2022

Where are the crafts? How old is the daughter? How much of the shared space is dedicated to crafts?

If it’s all in LWs bedroom then daughter has to deal but if it’s in shared space then this is a bigger conversation. If it’s so bad the daughter isn’t staying there that’s a huge red flag to me, ESPECIALLY if the daughter is contributing financially to the space.

MyNameIsNot · November 2022

If the daughter is not staying there, in the apartment that is her home, it's pretty clear that this is not working and a house is not going to work. There's no way to tell whether this is just the amount of clutter that this kind of hobby usually means in a small space or if it's compulsive, but it is clear that something needs to change. It sounds like they'd probably be better off if they can figure out a way not to cohabitate. If LW is financially dependent on the daughter (assumption based on disability and daughter seeming to be the decision-maker on getting a house), then LW needs to be the one to bend and figure out how to keep the craft supplies in their room.

banana468 · November 2022

That the LW writes, "creating calms me" makes me think that she's a few not really open to adjusting or organizing to suit others.

short+sassy · November 2022

I won't even get into who is right/wrong about the amount of stuff.

It's clearly too much stuff for the daughter to be happy living there or with her mom at all.

I'm inferring the same thing @MyNameIsNot is. I bet the daughter wishes she could live anywhere BUT with her mom. But the LW can't support herself financially and, as much as she hates it, the daughter won't abandon her mom. Though it's possible it's mutual. That neither woman can comfortably live on their own, individual budget.

A better solution if they want or need to live together, would be a designated space set up for the mom's crafts. Maybe that can be a wall of shelving in the mom's room. What fits, fits. And anything else needs to be sold or given/thrown away.

If the mom can stick to that for 6-12 months, the daughter may start coming around more and be more amenable to move forward with buying a house.

banana468 · November 2022

Yeah - I think there needs to be an effort to not just purge what exists but more formal storage "solutions" for those items.

As someone who likes to crochet I can absolutely say that the stuff easily starts to take up space. But you also need to keep the space you have in mind while you acquire the raw materials. I also like to cook but I am not looking to add food or cookware to my house if I don't have the storage for it.

STARMOON44 · November 2022

Team daughter

MissKittyDanger · November 2022

Agreed I'd like to hear daughter's thoughts on this.

Also can they not agree on storage that's easier? I have a feeling LW leaves their stuff out often and maybe that's the issue. It probably feels like a lot more to daughter if it's not in good spots.

banana468 · November 2022

MissKittyDanger said:

Agreed I'd like to hear daughter's thoughts on this.

Also can they not agree on storage that's easier? I have a feeling LW leaves their stuff out often and maybe that's the issue. It probably feels like a lot more to daughter if it's not in good spots.

I'm imagining bolts of fabric leaning on each other against the wall but not ON the dining room table.

MissKittyDanger · November 2022

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Agreed I'd like to hear daughter's thoughts on this.

Also can they not agree on storage that's easier? I have a feeling LW leaves their stuff out often and maybe that's the issue. It probably feels like a lot more to daughter if it's not in good spots.

I'm imagining bolts of fabric leaning on each other against the wall but not ON the dining room table.

yeh even that could seem very cluttered if it's not organized. It's a 2 bedroom apartment, anything not properly set up can feel like it's too much

banana468 · November 2022

MissKittyDanger said:

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Agreed I'd like to hear daughter's thoughts on this.

Also can they not agree on storage that's easier? I have a feeling LW leaves their stuff out often and maybe that's the issue. It probably feels like a lot more to daughter if it's not in good spots.

I'm imagining bolts of fabric leaning on each other against the wall but not ON the dining room table.

yeh even that could seem very cluttered if it's not organized. It's a 2 bedroom apartment, anything not properly set up can feel like it's too much

Right. And some crafting requires devices. I have a sewing machine and where it would go in a 2 person apartment is anyone's best guess.

But the comments from the parent are sticking out because she is claiming to have done enough to suit herself yet it's not about her.

I'd love to hear your daughter's perspective.

Re: I'd love to hear your daughter's perspective.

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