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Do you want to save it or not?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I want to stop being friends with someone, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting and/or how to end it. They have been in my life for more than 20 years, and while we have tried to maintain a friendship cross-country and even across continents, recently over the past five years they have felt very judgmental, and I’m kind of over it. I blame COVID and their being isolated, but now I’m starting to think that is how they think. I know they don’t realize how they sound, and when brought to their attention when it’s over the top they are quick to apologize, but some of their comments about my lifestyle and parenting style, even off-the-cuff remarks about presents I send, just make me want to shake my head and say, “Are you serious?” I would tell them, “Hey, your comment hurt my feelings.” But it’s so often that I’m thinking we’ve grown apart and it’s best we parted ways. Have you heard of this before, and what is your advice?

—Hanging By a Thread

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Re: Do you want to save it or not?

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I have a friend like that.  I've talked about her on here before.

    We were very close in our 20s.  I moved to NOLA.  Over the years, the friendship has waned a lot.  She was always strongly Republican, but was open to other opinions.  She used to be a great person to debate with and a good source to consider other POVs.

    But Trump and COVID changed that and she became unhinged.  The election was stolen.  Masks are useless and an affront to our freedoms.  At least she didn't think COVID was a hoax.  That's about the best I can say about her politics.

    We always had different goals in life, but respected each other's choices (usually).  But, over the years, she's surrounded herself with fellow conservative SAHMs.  They complain a lot about how SAHMs are not respected.  Totally fair and I wholeheartedly agree.  But then there is also an underlying judgement for working moms and women who do not have children.  It's also interesting they very specifically use the letter "M".  Never P for parent or D for dad.  Even though in her sister's family, the sister is the breadwinner and the BIL is a SAHD.

    I care about her as a person, so I don't feel the need to make some big turmoil like telling her I want to cut contact completely.  But that's also been easy to do because our contact has become infrequent, superficial, and brief.  She also moved out of So. CA a few years ago, so there isn't even the opportunity anymore to meet her for lunch or dinner when I'm visiting.

    That's my advice for the LW.  Start backing away more.  Keep conversations more infrequent and brief.  There's also nothing wrong with cutting the friendship off completely, if that is what the LW wants to do.  But the fade away is easier and less awkward.  Plus I'm not sure the LW wants to completely cut off the friendship.  That wasn't the impression I got, even though that was the question.  It seems more like the LW just needs less of it because her friend makes too many unthinking comments.
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