Dear Prudence,
I need advice on how to handle my relationship with my dad. We have a contentious relationship due to years of his enabling my alcoholic mother’s abuse of me, although he likes to pretend everything is great between us. He complains multiple times a call about how little he sees me, then when he does see me, he spends easily an hour (sometimes more) miserably lamenting how he wishes he could see me more and how whatever activity we’re doing (getting a meal out, going to a concert for his birthday, for instance) isn’t making him as happy as “just seeing [me] more” would.
We’ve had variants on this exact conversation many times:
Him: “Oh, I wish I saw more of you.”
Me: “Well, you’re seeing me now! Do you want to get drinks after this meal?”
Him: “Yeah, I guess … when will I next see you?”
Me: “I don’t know right now with work! Definitely around your
birthday/Thanksgiving/whatever holiday, though.”
Him: “Oh, that’s ages away. It’s very hard with your mother right now. She’d love you to come stay with us again, like you used to.”
Me: “I won’t be doing that because she’s been violent to me when I’ve stayed in your house, as we’ve talked about, remember? Can we just have a nice time now?”
Him: “I suppose so.”
He then carries on moaning about how little he sees me andseems to enjoy nothing we’re doing … while also mentioning how fun it was last time we met up and did something, and how we must do that again some time. I’ve said to him that it makes it hard wanting to hang out when he spends the whole time complaining that we don’t see each other anymore, but he doesn’t take it on board.
I recently called to let him know the dates my partner and I would be available to see him around Christmas and try to arrange something, and he acted as though my suggestion of a get-together around Dec. 18 would “ruin the holidays” as “that’s nowhere near Christmas Day itself.” I lost my temper and brought up a lot of things I’m angry with him about that prevent me staying in his house over Christmas, which led to him tearfully telling me he wouldn’t speak to me when I was being irrational and hanging up. Now I know he’ll be waiting for me to call and apologize and doubtless to make arrangements (he never suggests anything himself) for the holiday.
I don’t know what to do. I really want to just never call again and spend all Christmas with my partner and in-laws (lovely people), but I know that’s an unkind idea. My dad doesn’t have any other family besides my mom, who I don’t see anymore. Do you have any suggestions on how I can handle things better with him? I love him, but it’s hard maintaining a relationship like this.
— Relentlessly Negative