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I have no idea what I'd do if I were LW.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I never wanted children—we preferred to travel and spoil our dogs. He got the snip before we even met. Only, six months ago, we found out that he has a 13-year-old daughter, “Ella,” from a college fling. The mother gave up the baby to a relative for an adoption; only for the family to fall apart when the adoptive mother died. (A relative tracked my husband down on social media and we had a paternity test done.) The adoptive father dumped his daughter back with her birth family and never looked back. Ella currently is sleeping on the couch of her great-aunt and has no stable adult in her life. Her grandparents are disabled and sickly, the biological mother is in jail, and the rest of the family isn’t great.

My husband feels obligated to take Ella in. We talked to Ella via phones and Zoom. She seems to be a perfectly nice girl who got dealt a bad hand, but I have no idea how to parent a teenager. I had severe mental health issues growing up and while therapy and medicine have helped, it isn’t a cure-all. My own mother suffered from severe depression and was told that having a baby would “fix” her. Instead, she had my brother and me—and took her own life when I was a teen. I refused to inflict that horror on someone else.

I know my own capacity and taking on the full-time care of a troubled teen isn’t it. If Ella was much older or younger, I would be fully on board financially. But she is too young to live alone and too old for a nanny. We have given the great aunt money for Ella’s care but she has bluntly told us that my husband needs to come and get her. My husband tells me he can’t do this alone and needs me. Help!

— Not a Mother

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Re: I have no idea what I'd do if I were LW.

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Sometimes life happens. This child needs to live with her father. I think you should try and see how it goes. And if if doesn’t work out, you move out and get a divorce. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think the LW and her H will need to talk this through and likely w/ a therapist and financial advisor.

    I'm not sure what I'd do either and I don't think that there's a "right" answer here.  Ella needs to be cared for in a home that will truly love her.  I hope that happens with the right place. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Individual and family counseling, but the husband is doing the right thing by his kid and at the very least the LW shouldn’t try and stop him from doing that. 

    Since the husband does want to take her in (or at least feels an obligation to do so) LW needs to decide if they can stay and support that, and truly be supportive not just throw money at the situation, or they should leave. Obviously none of them expected to be in this situation but here they are. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I get that LW didn't 'ask' for this and actively has avoided having kids, but this girl didn't ask for it...more, IMO.  At this point, LW has to decide how much they love their husband and want to stay with him through this, but I think their husband needs to go get this child if he feels he should get her out of the current situation and take care of his child.  This isn't a problem you can just throw money at.  

    I understand LW's apprehension about all of this, however LW should give themselves more credit for recognizing the bad patterns of their childhood.  Awareness usually means you won't repeat the patterns.  

    Also, LW, no one knows how the hell to parent from day one.  It's a learning process.  A 13 year old, unless severely mentally or physically challenged (which there's no mention of that, just emotional issues), should be able to do the basics for themselves.  Taking in a much younger kid would actually be more of daily toll on LW's time.  Or maybe LW's intention would be to get the kid adopted by someone else.   

    Either way, if H really wants to take in his daughter, there's no way LW will be in the 'right' by getting in the way of it.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm having all the feels for the LW.  This would also be my worst nightmare.

    However, there is no question that I would suck it up and do my best to be a loving role model for this child.  I would be worried and need counseling sessions on how to make the child feel welcome when, in my heart, they aren't.  I think I could pretend and fake it.  And I'm also sure there would be pluses and it wouldn't all be drudgery.  But people, including children, know and can pick up on subconscious clues.

    But that's also what my choice would be.  I don't think the LW would be a bad person to make a different one.  But I also don't think they should discourage their H from taking Ella in and, if that means the end of their marriage or some other configuration, then that's what it is even though it is heartbreaking.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I had to think about this one for awhile.  Man, Prudie's letters today seem to be a lot about borrowing trouble.

    Ella has been dealt a shit hand here and, while I'm sure there's trauma there, I don't see any sort of physical or emotional problems that would be insurmountable once Ella had a stable home life. 

    I also had a shitty childhood; there's a reason that my "parents" are my grandparents and that wasn't until I was 13.  I have a lot of the same feelings as LW does (and have not had children b/c of it as well).  Honestly, I'm kind of shocked that LW doesn't want to keep Ella out of a similar situation, even if it means her husband (and her maybe) stepping up.

    Definitely support husband taking Ella and then therapy for LW to figure out her path forward.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    One thing no one has mentioned is the legal issues involved all around that there needs to be the proper chain of custody of Ella in the legal sense through family court even though he didn't sign away any parental rights so there may be that aspect of an easier time, however, that needs to be run through the proper channels.  Also, IMBTA here, but the adopted parent should face some heat for abandonment of the child even if they're going through their own grief from the loss of their spouse.  

    It's good that LW realizes it's a huge change from the life they'd planned, however it's one of those situations where if the Bio Dad decides to step up, it's okay if the LW decides to step out, or go to therapy for their own issues and with the therapist's support recognize that LW and their furbabies may be exactly who Ella needs because of having a perspective and with a therapist's support can learn to be who Ella needs to transition into adulthood which isn't that far away.  No one knows how to raise a teen from zero, but it starts with building a rapport and realizing when there's growth situations, it's about mentoring through and teaching functional life skills.  
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