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Tell him in plain language that you're not taking him in...ever.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My brother-in-law is a 48-year-old permanent student, who lives off his parents and spends his days (by his own admission) smoking weed, watching porn, and jacking off. He is a lovely, smart, sensitive guy who just failed to launch, partly due to an attention disorder and largely because everybody in his life indulged him. I love the guy, but I do not want to be responsible for him after his parents are gone. My wife and I are both worried that he will never be able to take care of himself, but nobody seems willing to push him to get a job, clean up his act, or take any kind of responsibility, and it feels like time is running out. How do we communicate that we will not bail him out? How do you change the behaviors of a lifetime?

— The Worst Inheritance

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Re: Tell him in plain language that you're not taking him in...ever.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why would that even be a thing?? 

    Should it come up in conversation you can mention it but IMO you can also laugh off the conversation.  
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    How do you know he jacks off all the time? Is this brought up in convo?

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I can't tell if LW is putting the cart before the horse and inferring unspoken expectations or if there's been conversation or off-hand comments about who's gonna be BIL's keeper.  I think LW and their wife need to be like, "Lol wut?" if it's brought up and if things go farther than that, be clear that they are not a fallback or part of the future plans for how BIL will be supported. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2022
    I'm going to infer that the LW is worried the BIL will end up homeless someday, unless they and their wife take the BIL in.

    It's one thing to know you have zero responsibility for a fully grown adult.  It's another to stand by and watch them living on the streets or with their power cut off.

    With that said, if they are both on board with and can stay firm with giving no help no matter what happens, then there isn't anything to be said.  Other than occasional encouragement that he become more self-sufficient.  Which will fall on deaf ears.

    You can't change someone's behavior, if they don't care about changing the behavior.  Even if they are highly motivated to change their behavior, that is still a really tough thing to do.

    Edited to add:  It's very possible there will also come a day where the parents need help and care giving.  One would hope the brother would finally step up and take on those responsibilities.  But, if not, they will already have their hands full assisting the parents.  They especially don't need some leech adding to their burden.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can't help but wonder if LW's wife is as firm on this as LW. The way it's worded, the wife is worried that he'll never be able to care for himself, but "I" (LW) doesn't want to be responsible for him. Maybe some of this angst is LW worrying that the wife is going to feel obligated when push comes to shove. 
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