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Wedding Woes

"Commenting on my weight is not supportive."

Dear Prudence,

I live in a gossipy town and am currently going through a contentious divorce from my husband. It’s been tough, especially because it seems like a fair number of people knew he was cheating, while I had no clue. In the months since separation, I’ve often felt too sad to eat, and I’ve gone off the birth control I’d always hated. This combination has led to precipitous weight loss, not a healthy or wanted one.

I see it as a sign of grief and I’m trying to stabilize, but people will not stop bringing it up in a way that’s meant to be positive. My sister calls it my “revenge body” while my mom congratulated me on “finally losing the baby weight.” A neighbor cornered me to ask for “my skinny secret,” and coworkers, friends, and acquaintances all had something to say. Even my doctor thinks it’s “a bright spot for me” (I was already at a healthy weight before!). How do I shut this topic down? I feel like I’m already using so much energy avoiding questions about my soon-to-be-ex, and this just adds another hard thing to the plate.

— The Skinny Secret? Situational Depression

Re: "Commenting on my weight is not supportive."

  • "My situation isnt' something to be celebrated".  then bean dip.
  • Ha!  When this happened to me, I embarrassed TF out of people.  "Varuna, how did you lose so much weight?!"  "Oh, it's the DDD...divorce is devastating diet."  Shut them right the hell up.
  • Never comment people's weight.
    Unless they say they're making efforted changes, don't ask.

    Honestly I vote LW says something to make people uncomfortable.
    I lost a lot of baby weight and when someone asked, convos went as follows
    "Oh you look great! You seem to have lost the baby weight too - how?"
    "Depression. It was sleep or eat and guess what won out everytime"
    *Silence*
    "And that's why we don't ask."
  • "It's amazing what the stress of betrayal can do to the human condition."
  • I could have written this exact post, almost word for word. My heart hurts for LW. I couldn't eat for a long time and between the divorce and kidney infection I lost a lot of weight quickly. Someone even said to me "Wow, you're the only person that lost weight during the pandemic!" I just replied back to her "It wasn't intended". 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2022
    I think this just goes with anything.  You have no idea what this person is going through.  Whether it be a serious illness or depression, just stfu.  Unless that person has told you specifically they’re working at it - zip it.
    This also goes with social media comments.  A few friends have posted WL pics and I want to write “you look fantastic!” Like everyone else has been writing but then I bite my tongue. By saying that am I implying that person didn’t before?  Although you do see some people comment “looking good!” on some pictures without weight loss.

  • "It's a health problem" with a dead stare.

    This one gets under my skin so much. I don't understand why people still think it's acceptable to do this, under any circumstances. I lost a bunch of weight intentionally, although I didn't tell anyone that that was what I was doing, and the comments are unreal. "Don't you feel so much better?" (Better than what?!) "Did you have surgery?" (Why would that be any of your business?) "You look like a different person!" (I can assure you that I'm still the same person, neurotic anxiety and all.) 
  • I have a good friend who had her ovaries removed after being told she carried the BRCA1 gene.  After going through a really stressful time between that and kids and the faux menopause, she put on weight and was about to snap HARD at the coworker who made insinuating comments that she was about to have her 4th. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2022
    banana468 said:
    I have a good friend who had her ovaries removed after being told she carried the BRCA1 gene.  After going through a really stressful time between that and kids and the faux menopause, she put on weight and was about to snap HARD at the coworker who made insinuating comments that she was about to have her 4th. 
    YES!
    it goes both ways. When someone gains, the whispers come out too.
    As a lifetime yo-yo’er myself, I get it.  I’ll never say anything either way to anyone.  Been there. 

    Edit; and the hollywood comments on stars “that girl (because lets face it, guys never get this comment!) needs a sandwich!”.  What if “that girl” has a normal eating routine and is naturally thin? Or at her ideal or comfortable weight?  Khole Kardashian is being criticized as being too thin right now, but I don’t see her as any different than her sisters….

  • I think this just goes with anything.  You have no idea what this person is going through.  Whether it be a serious illness or depression, just stfu.  Unless that person has told you specifically they’re working at it - zip it.
    This also goes with social media comments.  A few friends have posted WL pics and I want to write “you look fantastic!” Like everyone else has been writing but then I bite my tongue. By saying that am I implying that person didn’t before?  Although you do see some people comment “looking good!” on some pictures without weight loss.
    The skinniest I have ever been was after I developed T1 diabetes, but it hadn't been diagnosed yet.

    It was surreal.  I'd always been someone who had to fight HARD for every, single pound I'd lost.  Like no more than 900 calories/day and 1 hour of exercise 5-6 days/week.  Anything less than that and nothing happened on the scale.  

    At the time, I was already on the smaller side.  Around 115 lbs. (I'm 5'0").  I also have a round face with chubby cheeks.  But all of a sudden, the weight started flying off, even though I was too tired to exercise and had stopped doing it.  And my face got gaunt-looking because my cheeks were sunken in.  I didn't think it was possible for me to ever look too thin and definitely not to have sunken in cheeks.  TBH, I didn't even believe what I saw in the mirror and thought it was weird lighting or weird angles.

    I finally went to the doctor.  Mainly because I was always so exhausted.  I was 102 lbs.  I'd lost over 10% of my body weight in two weeks.  The night I found out, I looked at myself in the mirror again.  This time, without the psychological filter of "it's impossible for you to get too thin".  I was too thin.  Because I was really sick.

    I'd like to think I would have eventually grown out of the toxic mindset of "the thinner, the better".  But that moment forever changed my perspective.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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