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Wedding Woes

You're overthinking this

Dear Prudence,

The struggles created by the pandemic have hit some of my neighbors quite hard (think serious illness, job loss, etc.). During these tough times, I’ve started bringing baked goods to all the neighbors in houses close to my own for most holidays throughout the year. I know it’s a tradition that is a little dated, but I’ve found that it’s a good way to be supportive in some small way without being intrusive. For background, I’m a single woman in my late twenties, and all my immediate neighbors have been either married couples, senior citizens, or other women living alone.

Recently, though, a single man about my age moved into the house directly across from me. On the one hand, bringing strangers cookies has become such an old-fashioned tradition that I’m afraid he’ll think I’m flirting with him in a fairly aggressive way if I just show up with a big basket of baked goods out of nowhere. I definitely don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable! On the other hand, if he becomes friendly with our other neighbors and realizes I bring everyone close by except for him baked goods for every holiday, I’m worried that could make him feel like he’s being intentionally snubbed in some hurtful way. Any tips on navigating this one?

— Caught in a Cookie Conundrum

Re: You're overthinking this

  • “hey, it’s the welcome wagon! Welcome to the neighborhood”. I like @Casadena’s cookie tour label

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2022
    "Aggressively flirting" struck me as an oddly strong phrase for bringing over holiday cookies to a new neighbor.  But it could potentially be seen as flirting of some kind, so I understand at least that part of where the LW is coming from.

    But it's easy to drop in a sentence about bringing cookies to the neighbors.  If she hasn't met him before, the visit can serve as double duty to introduce herself and welcome him to the neighborhood.

    I don't know if she normally delivers the treats individually.  But she could also have a few baskets/plates with her, as a physical example that he is one of a few houses she is stopping at.  Certainly not necessary, it might make her more comfortable.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I want to say she's overthinking this, but how many horror stalking stories have started off with a situation so much like this?

    I think I'd grab another neighbor and make it a group activity, to welcome said man to the neighborhood.  That way, it doesn't look like just her.
  • Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
  • Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
    Maybe I just listen to too many crime podcasts (and maybe this woman does to), but I've had men aggressively pursue me when, in my mind, I was just nice.  Men are unknown quantities and as someone who lives by myself, while at first I was kind of  pooh-poohing her...I can't say I wouldn't have some of the same worries.  You just don't know if this man is going to see it as baked goods welcoming to the neighborhood, if this man sees it as a friendzone situation he can get out of, or if this man sees it as "I want to eff you" invite.  And b/c some of those situations can be dangerous...it's starts changing the story.
  • I've known guys who honestly thought that nearly all nice women were only nice because they were interested in pursuing them for sex. 

    So I can understand why the LW has her guard up so it's clear that it's a cookie and not cookie nookie. 
  • VarunaTT said:
    Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
    Maybe I just listen to too many crime podcasts (and maybe this woman does to), but I've had men aggressively pursue me when, in my mind, I was just nice.  Men are unknown quantities and as someone who lives by myself, while at first I was kind of  pooh-poohing her...I can't say I wouldn't have some of the same worries.  You just don't know if this man is going to see it as baked goods welcoming to the neighborhood, if this man sees it as a friendzone situation he can get out of, or if this man sees it as "I want to eff you" invite.  And b/c some of those situations can be dangerous...it's starts changing the story.
    That's totally understandable if the LW was fearful of going over to the neighbors.

    But she didn't mention fear at all, so I don't think she's physically afraid of going over to the neighbors.  She just didn't want him to get the wrong impression, which I can understand.  Though I don't think most people would think it was flirty at all and to use the phrase "aggressively flirty" just took it up another couple notches.

    Only a psychopath would find that "aggressively flirty", so it seemed an odd choice of words to me.  But true, psychopaths exist also.
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  • VarunaTT said:
    Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
    Maybe I just listen to too many crime podcasts (and maybe this woman does to), but I've had men aggressively pursue me when, in my mind, I was just nice.  Men are unknown quantities and as someone who lives by myself, while at first I was kind of  pooh-poohing her...I can't say I wouldn't have some of the same worries.  You just don't know if this man is going to see it as baked goods welcoming to the neighborhood, if this man sees it as a friendzone situation he can get out of, or if this man sees it as "I want to eff you" invite.  And b/c some of those situations can be dangerous...it's starts changing the story.
    That's a really good point, and I've actually had similar experiences with men. Situations where I thought I was just being friendly and nice, and they were thinking it was way more than that. Thank you for giving me perspective on this! 
  • Speaking of true crime devotees (I am one also), I had a funny conversation with a prior neighbor on the subject.

    I didn't know her that well, but she was extra friendly and always seemed genuinely glad to see me, even if it was just hi/bye.

    But one day as I was pulling up to the curb, she waved her hand like she wanted to talk to me, so I walked over to her when I got out of my car.  She told me she was SO GLAD to see me, because she had been worried.  I was confused and said something like, "Thanks, but why were you worried?  I've been fine."  I thought maybe she had heard a false rumor about me.  She explained she saw my H all the time, but hadn't seen me in a few weeks.  And then she laughed at herself and said, "I know I was just being paranoid, but I watch so many true crime shows.  And then when you seemed to have disappeared, but your husband was still around, I was worried."

    In my mind I'm thinking, "So you thought my husband might have murdered me and hid my body.  And then essentially just said that to me."

    You'd think I would have been offended by that.  But, instead, I thought it was hilarious and that she was awesome.  A friendly, oversharer who likes true crime?  She was like my kindred spirit, lol.

    I wish we had become friends before she moved away.  We could have spent an occasional Sat. afternoon binge-watching "Who the ____ Did I Marry?"


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  • VarunaTT said:
    Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
    Maybe I just listen to too many crime podcasts (and maybe this woman does to), but I've had men aggressively pursue me when, in my mind, I was just nice.  Men are unknown quantities and as someone who lives by myself, while at first I was kind of  pooh-poohing her...I can't say I wouldn't have some of the same worries.  You just don't know if this man is going to see it as baked goods welcoming to the neighborhood, if this man sees it as a friendzone situation he can get out of, or if this man sees it as "I want to eff you" invite.  And b/c some of those situations can be dangerous...it's starts changing the story.
    That's a really good point, and I've actually had similar experiences with men. Situations where I thought I was just being friendly and nice, and they were thinking it was way more than that. Thank you for giving me perspective on this! 
    I've also had similar experience with men, at least one that led to a stalking situation.  One time all I did was compliment a guy on his bike and his immediate response was to ask me for sex.  I don't compliment strange men anymore, and giving cookies could potentially be a minefield, but "aggressive flirting" might be a bit much.  As pp have said, make it abundantly clear that you give cookies to everyone and he isn't special.  Hopefully that's enough.

  • VarunaTT said:
    Thinking that bringing over baked goods to a new neighbor is being aggressively flirty is honestly cracking me up. And it is really that outdated? 
    Maybe I just listen to too many crime podcasts (and maybe this woman does to), but I've had men aggressively pursue me when, in my mind, I was just nice.  Men are unknown quantities and as someone who lives by myself, while at first I was kind of  pooh-poohing her...I can't say I wouldn't have some of the same worries.  You just don't know if this man is going to see it as baked goods welcoming to the neighborhood, if this man sees it as a friendzone situation he can get out of, or if this man sees it as "I want to eff you" invite.  And b/c some of those situations can be dangerous...it's starts changing the story.
    That's a really good point, and I've actually had similar experiences with men. Situations where I thought I was just being friendly and nice, and they were thinking it was way more than that. Thank you for giving me perspective on this! 
    Same.  Baking for the whole office, saying "nice catch!" to an outfielder on an adult softball team, a conversation about the Mets/Jets/insert sports team, a casual chat because we happen to be sitting next to each other, etc., have all been misconstrued as I want to sleep with you.  Men suck.
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