Dear Prudence,
My partner and I (women in our late twenties) have been together for several years and come from very different upbringings: I’m one of three kids born to two middle-class teachers, and she’s the only child of parents employed by major tech companies in their early days (think: Apple). We visit her parents for one of the winter holidays and mine for another, and this works really well for us.
The problem: I was raised to never show up empty-handed and to contribute by helping to prepare for, execute, and recover from the celebrations. However, my partner’s very wealthy parents have extremely fine taste, and they are very … particular. They don’t actually want the help I’m offering and seem bothered that they have to find a task to assign to me. I’ve tried to attempt host gifts, but I can’t afford the wine they would like, and they don’t like most other typical host gifts (candles, soaps, chocolates, etc.). I can’t afford to take them to dinner one of the evenings as a token of gratitude, but they are extremely generous and pay for all our activities.
So far, I’ve settled with giving them a nice card at the end of each visit and being as helpful as I can while staying out of the way. But my partner gives every member of my immediate family a wonderfully thoughtful gift (without breaking the bank) every winter, and I’m jealous and disappointed that I can’t offer the same to her family simply because they’d turn their nose up at anything I could afford, and not for lack of care! How can I get through this awkward young-and-broke phase and just enjoy the holiday?
— Giving Thanks or Giving Up