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Wedding Woes

Don't educate her unless she asks. It's not your place.

Dear Prudence,

I am a 25-year-old female who recently moved to a new city and moved into an apartment with two other women, also in their mid to late 20s. “Emily” owns the apartment and rents out the other two rooms to me and “Jane.” Despite being strangers when we started living together, we all get along rather well and, although we’re not close friends, we do interact and are friendly with one another.

Recently, I noticed that it was time for my annual gyno exam, and being new in the city didn’t yet have a new gyno. So I asked Emily and Jane who they saw and if they liked them. Jane recommended a couple of people but Emily stated she doesn’t have a gyno. Confused, I asked if she got her annual Pap smear and exam from her PCP and she said no, that she had never had one. She explained that she saw a gynecologist one time, when she was in her early 20s and had her first serious boyfriend and was sexually active, but they broke up, she hasn’t been sexually active since and doesn’t see the point in going.

I was a bit at a loss for words at the time, but it has bothered me ever since and I’d like to talk to her about the importance of regular gynecological exams, regardless if she’s sexually active or not. However, I feel uncomfortable because we are not close friends, and I don’t want to overstep. I have convinced myself many times to just let it go—she has a PCP and I assume they would encourage her to see a gynecologist (my last PCP used to ask me if I had an appointment with my gyno if she saw it’d been over a certain time since my last Pap, but I guess I can’t assume every PCP does this). But then the thought keeps coming back that I should say something in case she hasn’t been told why she should have a pelvic exam and Pap even if she isn’t sexually active. What should I do?

— Too Invested in My Roommate’s Health

Re: Don't educate her unless she asks. It's not your place.

  • Butt out of her vagina. Also you’re not necessarily even correct about the recommended frequency of Pap smears. 
  • This is not at all your business. I get the importance of being on your health but you asked once and she clearly doesn’t want any advice so let it alone. 
  • I'm on team butt out if this is isn't someone you're super close to.  And ditto @STARMOON44 that the current recommendation isn't for annual pap smears (but yes to annual gyno exams) if prior paps were normal and you aren't immunocompromised. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2022
    I hope your roommates name is Nunna business, LW. You’re right about one thing, that’s between her and her general PCP to discuss. 

  • I feel like LW's heart is in the right place, because sex education and generally teaching women/people who have vaginas about their bodies is woefully lacking in this country.  Many women don't know the importance of getting an annual exam and why they should stay on top of the health of their reproductive system regardless of whether or not they're sexually active because messaging and research around female bodies sucks.  

    However, their roommate is not their friend and they explained why they don't go regularly.  Unless roommate starts asking LW why they go every year or other sexual health questions, there's no 'in' here to teach/tell her anything.  
  • The LW already gave their input about an annual gyno exam/PAP smear.  In the moment when it was being talked about.

    Drop it!  It's hugely inappropriate to speak to someone about their medical decisions.  And the LW should learn from this.  Grown adults get to make their own choices, even when someone else thinks it's a bad decision.

    Not medically related, but I have a close friend who is dead-set on a real estate development plan that is a really terrible idea, for so many reasons.  She is completely delusional on some aspects of what she wants to do.  I have never bad-mouthed her very general idea.  It's an okay one that could work, but major aspects would need to be done differently.  She does ask for my thoughts/opinions.  I have tried with a helpful tone to point out "obstacles she might face", as well as feedback/compliments on the parts of her plan that make sense.  But she is also a stubborn person who, once she has a vision of things will happen and work, she won't veer from that.

    So what do I do?  Nod along and (privately) hope she doesn't lose her shirt and her mind with this project.  I've already done my part as a friend and given her warnings and other outcomes to consider.  It's her choice what she does with the information.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • If she asks you for advice, feel free to give it. Until then, mind your own business. I know you mean well, but it's not your place to tell Emily how to handle her health. If her PCP thinks that she needs to start going for regular gyno exams, let them be the one to discuss it with her.
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