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Yeah, this is a huge issue. You shouldn't say 'yes'.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m in my early thirties and dating an absolutely wonderful widower in his forties, whose first wife died of breast cancer. We both very much want to have kids; he and his first wife wanted them as well, but she was infertile. I’m currently pretending not to know he plans to propose to me on a trip we’re taking this Christmas. There’s just one problem. His first wife decorated their gorgeous robin’s-egg blue Queen Anne house in bland, neutral-hued minimalism and Live-Laugh-Love. I’m a professional interior designer and passionately prefer colorful, sophisticated maximalism, which would be a far better fit for this house anyway.

Money is not an obstacle. But whenever I broach the subject of redecorating, my significant other just repeatedly reassures me I don’t need to feel jealous of how much he loved his first wife. He’s a typical STEM guy without much aesthetic sense of his own, so can’t seem to see that’s not the real issue. How can I communicate this to him without insulting his first wife or her taste? And would it be silly or selfish or shallow to make my acceptance of his proposal conditional on letting me redecorate the house when I move in? I love him but cannot live there or raise my family there as it is.

— Can’t I Just Reframe All Those Pictures of My Predecessor?

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Re: Yeah, this is a huge issue. You shouldn't say 'yes'.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That he can’t or won’t talk about what shared space will look like is a red flag. He can have preferences and so can you but if you’re building a life together you should be able to talk about those preferences in a real way. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I find it odd that his take is that LW shouldn't 'be jealous' of the deceased wife.  Like...what? 

    Also, bashing late wife's style is no way to get FI to agree to changes.  You catch more flies with honey. 

    It's weird that LW's all, "We're in a hurry to get married because we both want kids," at the top of the letter.  And then there's this *teeny-tiny* little issue of basically the dead wife hanging over their entire relationship because BF wants them to live in a shrine to her forever.  Wut?  Cart? Horse? 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I suspect there may not be much compromise going on, for both sides.

    If they are or will be living together, the LW does have the right to do some of her own decorating.  But he does too.  The LW keeps viewing it as his late wife's taste; however, it probably is his also.  He's at least been happy with it the way it is for all these years and is used to that style.

    She's the professional interior decorator.  I'm guessing she's had clients who were couples and had widely different opinions on what they wanted.  What does she do in those situations?  Probably find common ground.  Do something similar with her own SO.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    I suspect there may not be much compromise going on, for both sides.

    If they are or will be living together, the LW does have the right to do some of her own decorating.  But he does too.  The LW keeps viewing it as his late wife's taste; however, it probably is his also.  He's at least been happy with it the way it is for all these years and is used to that style.

    She's the professional interior decorator.  I'm guessing she's had clients who were couples and had widely different opinions on what they wanted.  What does she do in those situations?  Probably find common ground.  Do something similar with her own SO.
    Exactly!  Keep neutrals in places but maybe take off some of the words on the wall if that's not your taste? 

    With few exceptions I'm not a fan of claiming that there's a right or wrong way to decorate so compromise.  But that is also going to mean that cohabitating needs to be a reflect two people and not that she's living in the home of someone else. 
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