This a hostile work environment, with proof!

mrsconn23 · February 2023

I’m struggling with a work situation and hoping for your objective perspective and direction. My teammates keep in touch throughout the workday using an instant message app, and there’s several chats on the go. More often than I like, though, it seems the chats veer off into more personal conversations that can be inappropriate. I can’t talk about this with my manager as they are a main part of the problem. They and a few of my colleagues will often share updates and photos about their personal life. I am not really comfortable with this. The fine line between work and personal life is being erased. This leads me to my main point and why I’m reaching out for advice.

Oftentimes, my manager shockingly sends selfies posing in their gym clothes. I’m quite taken aback that this person thinks it’s okay to share these pictures. In my opinion, this is simply inappropriate to do in a workplace with your staff. I don’t know how my colleagues feel as I am reluctant to discuss it with them. I have noticed a couple of them will respond with oohs and aahs which in turn probably promotes the behavior. I am kind of disgusted, and I don’t respond to these posts and just try to ignore them and pray the topic gets changed. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just let it go and ignore it as I have been, or do you recommend reaching out to HR or our director? I don’t want to get my manager fired, but I feel strongly that this behavior is unacceptable and some rules should be applied.

— Disgusted at Work

banana468 · February 2023

This is so odd but I'm also not sure how to approach the situation.

No matter what LW does the manager is going to find out. So there's going to be an adversarial situation going on. But it's also inappropriate.

Depending on the age I'm really more team find a new job and then vent later to HR because no matter what happens it's not going to end well for LW.

Casadena · February 2023

I dont' necessarily agree that it won't end well for LW - lots of people (certainly not everyone) are reasonable enough that they dont' want to purposely make someone uncomfortable but might not realize how odd it is if it's always been a casual environment and no one has brought it up before.

I would first try bringing it up directly in the chat like "hey guys, a work chat really isn't the place for personal selfies, could we use this one for work related items and start another for personal catch-ups?" and if it happens again, i'd go to HR. Definitely ok to start with HR as well.

It also just might be a matter of fit. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the pictures themselves are inappropriate, just the LW doesn't appreciate anything being shared at all that's not work-related. That's definitely ok, but if that's not really how that group operates, there's only so much the LW is going to be able to push back.

banana468 · February 2023

Casadena said:

I dont' necessarily agree that it won't end well for LW - lots of people (certainly not everyone) are reasonable enough that they dont' want to purposely make someone uncomfortable but might not realize how odd it is if it's always been a casual environment and no one has brought it up before.

I would first try bringing it up directly in the chat like "hey guys, a work chat really isn't the place for personal selfies, could we use this one for work related items and start another for personal catch-ups?" and if it happens again, i'd go to HR. Definitely ok to start with HR as well.

It also just might be a matter of fit. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the pictures themselves are inappropriate, just the LW doesn't appreciate anything being shared at all that's not work-related. That's definitely ok, but if that's not really how that group operates, there's only so much the LW is going to be able to push back.

I think that's a lot of it for me.

This is the LW's manager and not just a coworker. If the manager is constantly posting these workout photos then IMO there's a likely lack of confidence that's already there (because I'll admit I'm super judgy about the thirst-trap type workout photo and if you're constantly posting them to your peers it means that your ego (or something) is in need of constant stroking). So telling the person to stop may come with a bit of petulance.

But if that's the workplace environment then it may also not really be the right one for LW. And sometimes you have to figure out if you are in the wrong spot.

Casadena · February 2023

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

I dont' necessarily agree that it won't end well for LW - lots of people (certainly not everyone) are reasonable enough that they dont' want to purposely make someone uncomfortable but might not realize how odd it is if it's always been a casual environment and no one has brought it up before.

I would first try bringing it up directly in the chat like "hey guys, a work chat really isn't the place for personal selfies, could we use this one for work related items and start another for personal catch-ups?" and if it happens again, i'd go to HR. Definitely ok to start with HR as well.

It also just might be a matter of fit. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the pictures themselves are inappropriate, just the LW doesn't appreciate anything being shared at all that's not work-related. That's definitely ok, but if that's not really how that group operates, there's only so much the LW is going to be able to push back.

I think that's a lot of it for me.

This is the LW's manager and not just a coworker. If the manager is constantly posting these workout photos then IMO there's a likely lack of confidence that's already there (because I'll admit I'm super judgy about the thirst-trap type workout photo and if you're constantly posting them to your peers it means that your ego (or something) is in need of constant stroking). So telling the person to stop may come with a bit of petulance.

But if that's the workplace environment then it may also not really be the right one for LW. And sometimes you have to figure out if you are in the wrong spot.

SIB: That makes sense, I also didn't get the vibe that they're "thirst trap" type photos, more just chatter and sharing personal interest type stuff, but they definitely could be intentionally sexy or meant to be that way!

I feel like i'm giving the manager/team benefit of the doubt because i've definitely been in environments where that kind of thing would be totally normal and definitely been in environments where it would have been outrageous just because it was personal (regardless of how sexy or AW-ish).

It's not going to hurt for LW to mention it, maybe suggest some solutions or bring in HR.

levioosa · February 2023

I feel like I need to see these selfies. Are they just AW-ish and annoying (like SIL B’s endless selfies in our family group chat) or are they inappropriate thirst traps? Inquiring minds want to know.

Without any additional information I get the sense that yes, LW is probably a sensitive individual. Are the personal conversations unprofessional? Possibly. Is sending selfie’s to a work group chat unprofessional, yes. But hostile? I don’t know about that. I feel like LW would have for sure mentioned if the conversations were sexual or otherwise beyond propriety.

banana468 · February 2023

levioosa said:

I feel like I need to see these selfies. Are they just AW-ish and annoying (like SIL B’s endless selfies in our family group chat) or are they inappropriate thirst traps? Inquiring minds want to know.

Without any additional information I get the sense that yes, LW is probably a sensitive individual. Are the personal conversations unprofessional? Possibly. Is sending selfie’s to a work group chat unprofessional, yes. But hostile? I don’t know about that. I feel like LW would have for sure mentioned if the conversations were sexual or otherwise beyond propriety.

I think that's why I'm feeling like also nothing good will happen from addressing it.

It's giving me the feelings of when Ross moved to the new building and he didn't contribute to the group gift. It didn't matter what he felt about it. The group assigned him as new jerk.

mrsconn23 · February 2023

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

I feel like I need to see these selfies. Are they just AW-ish and annoying (like SIL B’s endless selfies in our family group chat) or are they inappropriate thirst traps? Inquiring minds want to know.

Without any additional information I get the sense that yes, LW is probably a sensitive individual. Are the personal conversations unprofessional? Possibly. Is sending selfie’s to a work group chat unprofessional, yes. But hostile? I don’t know about that. I feel like LW would have for sure mentioned if the conversations were sexual or otherwise beyond propriety.

I think that's why I'm feeling like also nothing good will happen from addressing it.

It's giving me the feelings of when Ross moved to the new building and he didn't contribute to the group gift. It didn't matter what he felt about it. The group assigned him as new jerk.

I think if it was a co-worker, I'd be more willing to be all, "Ignore the group chat." But if your manager is making you uncomfortable, I think it's an issue.

I cannot imagine a scenario where anyone should be posting gym selfies to their subordinates at work for them to comment and give feedback on, even if you're not in spandex and just wearing normal baggy shorts and an athletic shirt. Unless you work for a gym equipment company or the HQ of a major gym chain (LA Fitness, VASA, SoulCycle, Peloton)? Or IDK, are a company involved in athletics?

My team has it's own teams channel and I use it to communicate things out to my team and for them to collaborate. They'll sometimes get rowdy on there with funny inside jokes and whatnot, but I rarely jump into the fray on that. Someone made a comment today about how they needed to 'behave' because my manager and me are in there. I jokingly post a gif of "I'm watching you".

Also, this all has me thinking about those Paul Ryan gym photos that were so dorky and he was making completely dumbass faces.

Image: https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/time_paulryan_20111205_0373.jpg

short+sassy · February 2023

Maybe the workout selfies cross a line. I don't think it's out of line to mention it to their manager or HR. Though said with a request that it's just those kind of photos they don't want in the work chat. If they have a decent relationship with their manager, I personally would lean more toward asking the manager directly not to post the gym photos.

But I'm also getting a strong vibe that the LW is a grinchy coworker, no matter what the circumstances are.

They are reminding me of a coworker I had a former job. She was strongly in the camp of "no personal information/conversations or friends" in the workplace, but took it to extreme levels, imho. It made her seem like a negative, unfriendly person. She would also be judgy about it. It was fine if she didn't want to engage in normal chit-chat about what you did over the weekend or how your vacation went. But then she'd occasionally make snarky comments about how work should only be about work and coworkers shouldn't be friends and socialize with each other. Which were obvious jabs at some of the people in our work group. FWIW, she got her wish. We didn't talk to her unless it was hi/bye or a work-related conversation.

If the parallel is as similar as it sounds to me, I think the LW's best course of action would be to request separate chats for strictly work related issues and another chat for more miscellaneous stuff. Rather than calling it social, that could also be the place where anything unrelated to the whole group could go. It will be yet another reason this person's coworkers inwardly roll their eyes at them. But would probably be an improvement for everyone.

kerbohl · February 2023

We have these kinds of chats at work, and I am actually one of the people in charge of what people can say. But by that, I mean that I occasionally send out a reminder that we want everyone to be comfortable in the workplace and there are some topics you shouldn't bring up unless you are aware that everyone involved in the conversation is comfortable with it. So remind people of checking themselves, checking with each other. Because you sometimes don't know if people are comfortable with certain topics. Maybe sharing pet photos makes someone uncomfortable, you just don't know. So ask before sharing personal stuff.

This a hostile work environment, with proof!

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