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Wedding Woes

There has to be a compromise, on both your parts.

Dear Prudence,

My late father gifted me a two-bedroom townhouse with an open loft before he died. It is paid off, near public transportation, and in a good school district. We have four-year-old twin girls and are currently expecting another girl as well. I am a stay-at-home mom but do creative work on the side. My husband hates the house and argues with me that we should sell it and move to the country. He is a nurse and hates the long hours at the city hospital. He tells me that life will be cleaner, cheaper, and simpler if we move to the country. I know he could get a job anywhere, but uprooting our family, getting a second car, a mortgage, and leaving our friends and family frightens me. He also mentions he really wants to try for a son. I really have hit my limit with three children. It feels foolish of us to give up everything now. Maybe when our third is in school and I am back to work, but if my husband took a lower paying job, we could make it work. Child-care and rent cost an arm and a leg in our city. We could literally close off the loft to make a second bedroom or build a shower into the ground floor bathroom if need be. My father just wanted me taken care of. Legally the house is mine. I love my husband. He is a great dad. We don’t argue about chores. I want to support him in his dreams and careers, but right now isn’t right. Now how do I explain this?

— Not Moving

Re: There has to be a compromise, on both your parts.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My late father gifted me a two-bedroom townhouse with an open loft before he died. It is paid off, near public transportation, and in a good school district. We have four-year-old twin girls and are currently expecting another girl as well. I am a stay-at-home mom but do creative work on the side. My husband hates the house and argues with me that we should sell it and move to the country. He is a nurse and hates the long hours at the city hospital. He tells me that life will be cleaner, cheaper, and simpler if we move to the country. I know he could get a job anywhere, but uprooting our family, getting a second car, a mortgage, and leaving our friends and family frightens me. He also mentions he really wants to try for a son. I really have hit my limit with three children. It feels foolish of us to give up everything now. Maybe when our third is in school and I am back to work, but if my husband took a lower paying job, we could make it work. Child-care and rent cost an arm and a leg in our city. We could literally close off the loft to make a second bedroom or build a shower into the ground floor bathroom if need be. My father just wanted me taken care of. Legally the house is mine. I love my husband. He is a great dad. We don’t argue about chores. I want to support him in his dreams and careers, but right now isn’t right. Now how do I explain this?

    — Not Moving

    This person needs to start by saying how mentally taxed they are.

    "Trying" for another child may not lead to the outcome you want.  DH has a family of cousins that are 12 siblings.  One dude is the father of 5 girls.  His younger brother is the father of 5 boys.  His great grandfather was the father of 9 boys and 1 girl.  Those aren't really the odds that I'd recommend. 

    Beyond that, LW also needs to acknowledge that they can't get all the things that they want and a home with no mortgage is money that can be put towards a different home.

    They need to acknowledge that if the H is having a mental health issue where they are then the likely solution is moving and buying somewhere else.  
  • The whole "keep trying for a son" thing is a red flag to me. Their 3rd kid isn't even born yet. 
    Yup - I can't imagine DH trying to get me pregnant while I'm STILL pregnant. 
  • I hate the 'trying for a son' comment when she's pregnant with #3 currently and HAD TWINS previously.  That's a massive issue and a bigger indication of him being super problematic vs. his bellyaching about living in a free house 'in the city'.  LW needs to start with a conversation about how the 'shop is closing' after baby comes. 

    As for the rest, I think LW needs to lay out why they should stay put for now.  And maybe even put together a rough idea of the money, cost of time, and loss of support if they move further out.  I can understand why renovating and taking on a tenant may not be the best idea, even though the income could be nice.  Plus, maybe he needs to find a job at a different hospital or look at working for a doctor's office or something.  

    We're only hearing LW's side, so most of this sounds like communication and expectation issues where they can work on compromising or making a long-term plan for both of them to be happy with their living situation (besides how he wants a son, which he should fully STFU and stop it unless he can figure out a way to carry his own baby). 
  • VarunaTT said:
    This dude is a trip. 

    Every hospital nurse I know has long hours, rural or urban.  The only way to change that it to get into a different healtcare setting and that's still no guarantee.

    Country living is NOT simpler, cleaner, and sometimes won't be cheaper, depending on what the "thing to buy" is that we're talking about.  

    I'm not even getting into the "I need a boy".

    Dude has some problems, he's making them his wife's, and he's in sore need of a reality check.
    Very good point about his job. Why does he think moving will mean less hours? 

    And another good point point about moving to the country. Depending on where you are, you have to drive to any type of store you need. Nothing is convenient. Gas is expensive. 
    So you're talking about a mortgage, taxes, heating and electric costs, homeowners insurance costs. Shit, we even have to pay for garbage and recycling. Yard upkeep. Do you live in a place where it snows? Another car, insurance. The costs just keep adding up. And on top of that, this guy wants her to keep popping out kids until she has a boy. Yikes on bikes. 
  • I am LOLing that he thinks working rurally will mean less hours. I think you mean more hours, less pay, and less resources. Also fuck him. “Trying for a son,” gtfo. 

    I knew someone whose husband left them at the ultrasound when they found out at the appointment they were having another girl. Literally she had to Uber home. He didn’t even apologize. Just said “next one will be a boy.” This was after 9 miscarriages and it was her third successful pregnancy. 

    I feel bad for LW, but honestly, not having arguments about chores feels like a reaaaaally low bar here. 


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  • I'd like to know a little more about the financials going on.  Have they been "pretending" to pay a mortgage and putting at least that much towards savings for their new house?  Because, if not, she should be scared.  I know it's a marriage and the H is doing his part by being the breadwinner.  But he also can't just sit back and rely on the largesse of HER inheritance to be most/all of the down payment for the house he primarily wants.

    I'm also curious if he has always hated this house or if this has been a more recent development, now that he's decided he wants to move.  I'd be more sympathetic to his argument if it's always been like that for him.  But, if not, it sounds more like manipulation to get his way.

    With all that said, he still certainly deserves to have an opinion.  I'd think he could find a less stressful job in the city they live in also.  That might improve his outlook and then he'd be more amenable to tabling this discussion until all the kids are in school.

    They also need to consider that a SFH will usually be more expensive to maintain and insure than a townhouse.  It's weird one point of his argument is that it would be cheaper to move.  It doesn't sound cheaper if they have to add another car note/insurance and a mortgage payment.

    She needs to immediately shut down all this bs about a fourth child in the "hopes" it will be a son.  Have a fourth child because BOTH people WANT a fourth child.  Not so the H gets one more shot at a different gender.  Such a gross attitude.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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