File and move out.

mrsconn23 · April 2023

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have been separated for several months. The plan is to get an official divorce after our youngest graduates high school in May. I have been seeing someone else in the meantime. Nothing physical has happened, but unfortunately, my sister-in-law spotted us on a date and told her sister. My wife called me up in a fit and accused me of “flaunting my affairs” all over town. I lied and said that it was me just taking a client out to dinner.

I have been sleeping in the guest room since last year and our sex life died years before that. I have never cheated on my wife. Ever. I have done my best to be a good father and husband. Is it wrong to want a little bit of happiness now? I don’t know if it is true love or just the fresh joy of having a woman actually look at me with desire. Friends have told me to wait a month until graduation and then go from there. Others have told me to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. That could be another year or more. I don’t want to hurt anyone. What should I do?

— The Long Road

banana468 · April 2023

You can't have it both ways and you're the jerk in the scenario if there's nothing official and are dating. It's understandable to want to move forward but if you haven't filed and no one is the wiser then of course they'll see what you're doing.

Also, I find it really hard to believe that you're happy to just be met with looks of desire and nothing else until a graduation.

STARMOON44 · April 2023

You’re cheating on your wife now. You’re still married you still live together. Can you not hold it together until May when you file and move out?

VarunaTT · April 2023

I mean, you're separated and the divorce conversation has happened, so I don't see an issue personally. I think they're still in the same house? Which means it's just stupid to be creating drama.

I also don't understand why you're waiting to file for divorce? What does waiting until after graduation have to do with anything? And, seeing someone before you are officially divorced, could have repercussions for your divorce, so this is all just stupid and borrowing trouble for no good reason.

Get the damn divorce and move on with your life.

short+sassy · April 2023

If they're waiting, then they need to wait. That includes getting romantically involved with other people. I personally think they should have started divorce proceedings when they both knew they were ready to months ago. It's going to be hard on their son, either way. But agree that, if they've waited this long, then at least wait until after he graduates since it's soon.

However, once he is moved out, I don't see anything wrong with either of them dating other people. I realize that's controversial. But if it's over except for signing the divorce papers, people shouldn't have to wait to start the next chapter in their life.

banana468 · April 2023

short+sassy said:

If they're waiting, then they need to wait. That includes getting romantically involved with other people. I personally think they should have started divorce proceedings when they both knew they were ready to months ago. It's going to be hard on their son, either way. But agree that, if they've waited this long, then at least wait until after he graduates since it's soon.

However, once he is moved out, I don't see anything wrong with either of them dating other people. I realize that's controversial. But if it's over except for signing the divorce papers, people shouldn't have to wait to start the next chapter in their life.

Agreed. What is this guy expecting? They're still living together so of course everyone expects them to act as a married couple.

He can't have it both ways and date but stay married. File and move out and then go on the date.

levioosa · April 2023

I dunno…I feel like LW is protesting a little too much. I am all for being able to move on with your life while you’re getting divorced, but something about this isn’t passing my smell test.

mrsconn23 · April 2023

VarunaTT said:

I mean, you're separated and the divorce conversation has happened, so I don't see an issue personally. I think they're still in the same house? Which means it's just stupid to be creating drama.

I also don't understand why you're waiting to file for divorce? What does waiting until after graduation have to do with anything? And, seeing someone before you are officially divorced, could have repercussions for your divorce, so this is all just stupid and borrowing trouble for no good reason.

Get the damn divorce and move on with your life.

I don't get the waiting thing either unless it's one of those states where you need to be separated for a year or whatever before filing. But I think LW would have said that instead of saying it's because the youngest hasn't left 'the nest'. Trust me, if you're 'separated', your kid knows.

Also, if you both want the divorce...then what would take a year or more to have the 'ink dry' on the papers?

This just all sounds stupid on LW's part. And their justification of 'no sex' and 'sleeping in the guest room' is weak.

IDK, maybe LW is only 'separated' in their head? LOL

banana468 · April 2023

mrsconn23 said:

VarunaTT said:

I mean, you're separated and the divorce conversation has happened, so I don't see an issue personally. I think they're still in the same house? Which means it's just stupid to be creating drama.

I also don't understand why you're waiting to file for divorce? What does waiting until after graduation have to do with anything? And, seeing someone before you are officially divorced, could have repercussions for your divorce, so this is all just stupid and borrowing trouble for no good reason.

Get the damn divorce and move on with your life.

I don't get the waiting thing either unless it's one of those states where you need to be separated for a year or whatever before filing. But I think LW would have said that instead of saying it's because the youngest hasn't left 'the nest'. Trust me, if you're 'separated', your kid knows.

This just all sounds stupid on LW's part. And their justification of 'no sex' and 'sleeping in the guest room' is weak.

So is the dating with nothing happening and wanting "a little bit of happiness now" along with the "looking at me with desire".

This guy is a piece of work.

CharmedPam · April 2023

Yeah I guess I’m in the minority thinking LW is ok dating, if they’re clearly separated. Maybe graduation = nearing 18 and it’s a child support thing and easier divorce? Or like someone said you have to separate a full year?

banana468 · April 2023

CharmedPam said:

Yeah I guess I’m in the minority thinking LW is ok dating, if they’re clearly separated. Maybe graduation = nearing 18 and it’s a child support thing and easier divorce? Or like someone said you have to separate a full year?

The thing is, if it's irritating the wife and the wife's sister doesn't know then are they separated?

ei34 · April 2023

Ugh I hate the "staying together for the kids" thing. The kids know when you're forcing yourselves to be together. Just file. And move out. But LW, it's either file, move out and start seeing other people and up-end the daughter's life (if that's what he's afraid of, not necessarily my thoughts), or stay in your unhappy marriage until the daughter graduates. Your pick and choose is ridiculous.

VarunaTT · April 2023

I don't think SIL seeing them and telling wife means that the separation isn't public. Hell, I finally had to tell some friends to stop sharing exH stuff with me, b/c people were absolutely choosing sides b/c of some things that happened and people get really into ratting other people out sometimes, while I was waiting for my divorce to go through.

I don't think LW is doing anything wrong; I just think this is bad decision making on his part. At least get out of the house or get something filed so that LW is protected a bit.

STARMOON44 · April 2023

I mean they live together and the kids apparently don’t know and neither do close family member so no they aren’t separated no matter what OP would like to believe

short+sassy · April 2023

STARMOON44 said:

I mean they live together and the kids apparently don’t know and neither do close family member so no they aren’t separated no matter what OP would like to believe

I'm picturing being friends with the guy's g/f and hearing this part of the story. I'd be asking, "This guy is not separated. Are you sure his wife knows they are starting a divorce in a couple months?"

short+sassy · April 2023

My funny story of being the "other woman" (hardly). I was on a dating site and this guy contacted me. He told me he was separated, but he and his wife hadn't been together for about a year. They hadn't started divorce proceedings yet, but were about to.

I was hesitant about all that, but agreed to go out to lunch with him. The lunch date was fine, but we decided we were better as friends. And we did stay chat friends for quite awhile, but usually only talked to each other 1-2x/month.

He knew I had been laid off and then, out of the blue, he asked me to give him details again about my work experience and educational background. They had a job opening where he worked and he thought I'd be a good fit. I emailed him my resume to pass along...he had nothing to do with hiring and wasn't a manager...and I ended up getting the job!

We worked together for two years until he got laid off. Had his wife's picture on his desk and I met her at the Christmas party, lol. There were rumors he had a rocky marriage. When I heard someone talking to another coworker about that, I asked if it had ever been bad enough they'd been separated. She told me she didn't think so. Mmmm...hmmm.

No one ever knew we'd gone on a date about a year before I was hired. He and I never talked about it either.

I'm a bit surprised he recommended me, considering I could have blown his cover about stepping out on his wife with a dating app. But he did get a $1500 bonus for recommending me, so apparently that was worth the gamble for him.

kerbohl · April 2023

So, I'm thinking two things.
1 - my hubby's parents announced they were getting a divorce during his exams in university. He still talks about how it was hell because he was dealing with the family drama but also needing to focus on school and getting good grades. So if they are waiting so that their child can focus enough to get the grades they need to graduate ... maybe I sort of understand the waiting but only because of the backstory I have.

2. I am firmly in the camp of wait until the divorce is further along or at least closer, because I don't think it is fair to this person he is dating. It sounds like it is limiting their physical side of the relationship, but it would also be extremely constricting because he is still living with his wife and this new partner can't exactly go over to his place. If I were them, I wouldn't touch this at all. This person ALWAYS has to come to my place for dates .... I don't know, sounds crazy annoying at best.

short+sassy · April 2023

kerbohl said:

So, I'm thinking two things.
1 - my hubby's parents announced they were getting a divorce during his exams in university. He still talks about how it was hell because he was dealing with the family drama but also needing to focus on school and getting good grades. So if they are waiting so that their child can focus enough to get the grades they need to graduate ... maybe I sort of understand the waiting but only because of the backstory I have.

2. I am firmly in the camp of wait until the divorce is further along or at least closer, because I don't think it is fair to this person he is dating. It sounds like it is limiting their physical side of the relationship, but it would also be extremely constricting because he is still living with his wife and this new partner can't exactly go over to his place. If I were them, I wouldn't touch this at all. This person ALWAYS has to come to my place for dates .... I don't know, sounds crazy annoying at best.

I had that thought also for #2. I don't know what the g/f is thinking, unless she is looking for casual and non-physical dates. I wouldn't touch this situation with a 10-foot pole.

climbingsingle · April 2023

STARMOON44 said:

I mean they live together and the kids apparently don’t know and neither do close family member so no they aren’t separated no matter what OP would like to believe

This. And if LW and the wife are concerned about the effect it will have on their kid, that means it's NOT the time to date.

banana468 · April 2023

kerbohl said:

So, I'm thinking two things.
1 - my hubby's parents announced they were getting a divorce during his exams in university. He still talks about how it was hell because he was dealing with the family drama but also needing to focus on school and getting good grades. So if they are waiting so that their child can focus enough to get the grades they need to graduate ... maybe I sort of understand the waiting but only because of the backstory I have.

2. I am firmly in the camp of wait until the divorce is further along or at least closer, because I don't think it is fair to this person he is dating. It sounds like it is limiting their physical side of the relationship, but it would also be extremely constricting because he is still living with his wife and this new partner can't exactly go over to his place. If I were them, I wouldn't touch this at all. This person ALWAYS has to come to my place for dates .... I don't know, sounds crazy annoying at best.

For #1 I think it's unlikely assuming the kid has a plan in place for post - HS.

Not saying all students are like this (I definitely don't want to put all HS into the college bound box) but for many that are, by the time you're in your last semester you already have acceptance letters and have made choices. That said, it's a hugely emotional time so I can absolutely understand it for the reasons that you don't want to turn a major year of change into something that's even more change until things are actually finite.

I also wonder if the need to file is because graduation is likely after the youngest isn't a minor and then hashing out the child portion of legal agreements no longer has custody involved?

kerbohl · April 2023

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

So, I'm thinking two things.
1 - my hubby's parents announced they were getting a divorce during his exams in university. He still talks about how it was hell because he was dealing with the family drama but also needing to focus on school and getting good grades. So if they are waiting so that their child can focus enough to get the grades they need to graduate ... maybe I sort of understand the waiting but only because of the backstory I have.

2. I am firmly in the camp of wait until the divorce is further along or at least closer, because I don't think it is fair to this person he is dating. It sounds like it is limiting their physical side of the relationship, but it would also be extremely constricting because he is still living with his wife and this new partner can't exactly go over to his place. If I were them, I wouldn't touch this at all. This person ALWAYS has to come to my place for dates .... I don't know, sounds crazy annoying at best.

For #1 I think it's unlikely assuming the kid has a plan in place for post - HS.

Not saying all students are like this (I definitely don't want to put all HS into the college bound box) but for many that are, by the time you're in your last semester you already have acceptance letters and have made choices. That said, it's a hugely emotional time so I can absolutely understand it for the reasons that you don't want to turn a major year of change into something that's even more change until things are actually finite.

I also wonder if the need to file is because graduation is likely after the youngest isn't a minor and then hashing out the child portion of legal agreements no longer has custody involved?

Oh, good point! I hadn't thought of that!

charlotte989875 · April 2023

If you’re waiting to file and tell your child then wait to date. What if it was your kid who saw you and not your SIL? Or what if someone told your kid?

I think lying is wrong here and that’s what the LW is doing- to basically everyone. If you want to be separated now, and have all the ability to see other people that come with it, then you need to do the things that come with a legal separation and divorce. But it sounds like you want to be able to date, not have to take the steps to end your marriage and tell your kid.

You want the excitement of a new relationship without the consequences of ending your current one. Either 1) wait a month, tell your kid, file for divorce, then date people in public or 2) tell your kid, file for divorce, and move out.

MyNameIsNot · April 2023

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

So, I'm thinking two things.
1 - my hubby's parents announced they were getting a divorce during his exams in university. He still talks about how it was hell because he was dealing with the family drama but also needing to focus on school and getting good grades. So if they are waiting so that their child can focus enough to get the grades they need to graduate ... maybe I sort of understand the waiting but only because of the backstory I have.

2. I am firmly in the camp of wait until the divorce is further along or at least closer, because I don't think it is fair to this person he is dating. It sounds like it is limiting their physical side of the relationship, but it would also be extremely constricting because he is still living with his wife and this new partner can't exactly go over to his place. If I were them, I wouldn't touch this at all. This person ALWAYS has to come to my place for dates .... I don't know, sounds crazy annoying at best.

For #1 I think it's unlikely assuming the kid has a plan in place for post - HS.

Not saying all students are like this (I definitely don't want to put all HS into the college bound box) but for many that are, by the time you're in your last semester you already have acceptance letters and have made choices. That said, it's a hugely emotional time so I can absolutely understand it for the reasons that you don't want to turn a major year of change into something that's even more change until things are actually finite.

I also wonder if the need to file is because graduation is likely after the youngest isn't a minor and then hashing out the child portion of legal agreements no longer has custody involved?

This is what I'm thinking. When I did divorces, there were about 8000 extra steps that you had to do to file with minor children than without, even in the most cut and dried uncontested divorce. (Custody/child support was until a kid was 18 or graduated HS, whichever came later.) If the situation is stable and you're that close to not having minor children, it might be smarter/easier/cheaper to wait to file. My own boss/mentor filed his divorce the summer after his youngest graduated.

But still, if you can wait a couple of months to file, you can wait a couple of months to date.

File and move out.

Re: File and move out.

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