Dear Prudence,
I’m 64, married 45 years, no kids, and I’m the only person in my extended family who did a college degree (a mature student, I worked hard and saved for six years, then paid my own way. My parents, who were both comfortable, didn’t offer financial support). I have two siblings, and they have five now-adult children. After some thought, and because I know that education was vital in helping me think differently about the world (plus, a great income), I wrote a letter 25 years ago to all my sibs’ children, promising that I’d pay tuition for them to pursue any baccalaureate degrees at a public college of their choice. I was in position to do that, and I knew their parents weren’t. I wanted to help open up opportunities. None of them ever took me up on the offer, to my surprise and disappointment.
My sibs, though, felt free to pitch appeals to me to pay for their kids’ weddings and down payments on houses, etc., which I have declined. (My husband and I paid for our own wedding and house purchases, enabled, really, by us getting degrees and working hard.) For more than two decades now, my sibs and their kids seem deeply resentful that we haven’t opened our wallets in a general way, that our original education offer wasn’t broadened to support their other choices. I’ve tried to keep relationships going with them despite their contempt, but their responses are cool, if they reply at all. My husband’s family has welcomed and appreciated our help for their kids’ education, with no other expectations, and they’re thriving. Do I owe my sibs’ kids financial support on different terms?
— Wondering if I Made a Mistake