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She sounds delightful. Yikes.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am 31 years old and my husband and I have a handsome 3-month-old baby that we are super proud of and super in love with. My mother, who lives several states away, can be very manipulative, passive-aggressive, and emotionally reactive. My son’s birthday is in December and in mid-April my mother said “I requested his birthday off and am coming out, what are you going to do? Say no?”

I don’t mind her coming out and I want her involved in my son’s life. However, I am not happy with her wording, I found it manipulative and controlling. We may have already had plans (we do, they are at-home plans but that’s not the point at the moment). I know I need to address this boundary with her, but I don’t know how to do it without my mother over-reacting and saying that I don’t want her around my son etc. etc. I can’t discuss this with my husband because he already hates how manipulative my mother can be and it drives him crazy.

Please help. I don’t know how to approach this without dramatic consequences.

— Feeling Unfairly Controlled

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Re: She sounds delightful. Yikes.

  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Wow, this is my MIL. 

    agree with banana on how to handle. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    "We are glad to see you.  Let me know if you already have a hotel or if you want recommendations.  We will have some plans at that point and can see you when we aren't tied up"

    You will get dramatic consequences because they get your mother the results she wants.  If you want to get the results that YOU want accept that there will be more drama but the boundaries will be effective. 
    Yes so well put!
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    It's the 1st birthday, so I'd let it pass.  Even if it was phrased in an annoying way.

    But the next time the mom makes plans for a visit and doesn't talk to the LW first, I would be tempted to book an impromptu trip and tell her, "Oh no, mom!  We're going skiing that weekend and won't be in town.  Next time, please let us know when you would like to come before making plans.  That way, we can decide on dates that work for all of us."

    I'm not saying that would keep the mom from freaking out.  But it might teach her an important lesson. 
    Maybe the 1st birthday can be her first trip to Disney!

    I definitely think it's going to be a pick and choose battles.  
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So I understand LW's hesitation since mom has been like this all the time. But I also think if LW doesn't have big plans for the LO's 1st bday and mom wants to be there, then not to make a big stink about mom inviting herself. I'd also ignore the 'you can't say no' comment from her because it's designed to challenge LW and create drama.  

    BUT, I think LW should find a way to set the boundary and it may be easier in person when mom is there, by either getting ahead of the next visit by offering to go to mom or suggesting a timeframe for the next time or be all, "I'm so glad this worked out, but I'd hate for you to take off work before checking with us and then we have plans."  

    If mom pulls this shit again, then you have to put a foot down and know that there will be 'drama'.  The good thing is that mom doesn't live close, so you can control if you respond to a text or answer the phone. In fact, if you do feel the pull of obligation to respond to her contact attempts immediately, start by letting them 'sit' and training yourself to not be as 'available'.  Baby steps LW. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    On picking your battles, this is one I'd just let go. Sure, she's inviting herself and the wording is obnoxious, but she's telling LW 7 months in advance that she's planning to come for her grandson's first birthday. It's pretty standard that grandparents are invited or at least welcome to whatever plans you'd make for a first birthday, so it's not completely outrageous that she's inviting herself.

    LW should focus on setting boundaries around grandma booking a hotel and realize that she's not going to be able to change the way she words her self-invitation. 
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