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This is 'deal-breaker' behavior.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are on a three-day speaking strike—that is, he isn’t speaking to me. I have a history of enjoying too many cocktails and worse, driving home after. I am embarrassed and know how wrong this is. I don’t drink often, but when I do I seem to go overboard. I keep putting myself in his shoes, and I know if we were having the same issue over and over with no resolution, I would be beyond hurt and pissed! How do I get him to realize I’m sorry? What can I do to get help with alcohol consumption?

— Ashamed

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Re: This is 'deal-breaker' behavior.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    They are both in the wrong - she, more than him though obviously. 

    Stop drinking. Go to therapy. Go to AA. There are many resources to help you. 

    But he also sucks for this no speaking strike. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think if this were me I’d be on a No speaking strike because I’d be busy filing for divorce and simply uninterested in continue to speak to someone who drinks and drives and doesn’t seem to understand the seriousness of that at all. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I do feel for LW.  Yes, she's making bad decisions.  Yes, she's totally in the wrong.  Yes, her husband absolutely can refuse to speak with her.

    AND:  it's really hard, when you want to be the person who is able to moderate their drinking.  I don't understand people who can have just one drink and like....aren't already planning/thinking about their next drink.  I don't understand not already thinking about the drink after work.  I finally had to just sit with the idea that what I wanted to be...that person who could enjoy one cocktail, one beer, one glass of wine and be finished...wasn't going to be possible for me.  Then the journey of not drinking and realizing how fucking STEEPED into alcohol culture American is (IDK about other countries).  I've had to stop watching one of my favorite TV shows b/c of how much alcohol is casually flowing throughout 95% of the episodes.

    There are a lot of resources out there now, and LW needs to deep dive into all of them.  There's quit lit, sober podcasts, dozens of Tiktok, Insta, and FB accounts to follow, loads of online meetings that aren't AA (I don't like AA), etc.  It's a process.
    There is a West Wing monologue about exactly your middle paragraph.

    John Spencer on Scotch (The West Wing) - YouTube
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2023
    Yep, WW is one of my favorite shows and I love that speech from Leo.  I've thought about it a lot the past year.

    The other thing that gets me in that scene is the pressure to drink too.  People sometimes don't even realize they're doing it, it's our default behavior in this culture.  One of the quit lit books I read is called Quit Like A Woman.  She deep dives into the cultural, political, and marketing history of alcohol companies.  I had to read it slowly, b/c I was so incredibly angry at all of it.  Alcohol is a poison, it is the most addictive drug we have created, and somehow marketing companies turns alcohol addiction/problems into our fault when our brains/bodies do exactly what alcohol scientifically intends to do, by telling us to drink responsibly and calling people alcoholics (we have no other substances that have their own addict name).  

    FWIW, I don't consider myself an alcoholic and I didn't have any sort of rock bottom or horrible accident/incident that made me stop drinking.  I was just drinking a lot and had a realization that if I continued the habit I was creating, it was going to get much much worse and I had to make a choice.  So, my choice was start backing off, a lot.  I like Drew Barrymore's statement about, "I don't drink alcohol.  I'm not sober, I don't work a program, what I do is my business, but alcohol is poison to me."
    �
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