Have you extended an invitation to them? Do you even want to see them?

mrsconn23 · May 2023

Dear Prudence,

I am an adult and live in a city a two-hour drive away from my parents. I’ve lived in this city supporting myself for over 10 years. My sister (only sibling) also lives in the same city. My parents often ask me to visit them in their city and stay in their home. They live on a modest income. Their home is very small and crowded. My Mom has mental health issues and increasingly struggles with confusion related to her age and medical history. My dad is extremely anxious and controlling. They both have good hearts, but challenging personalities. Being around them often feels more like work, and I can’t be myself. My parents are highly religious, and I have not followed their religion since becoming an adult, which further increases the tension. It has been several years since I spent holidays with them in their city.

My parents recently scheduled a trip to fly to visit a distant family member on the opposite side of the country from us for five days. My parents haven’t visited me or my sister in over a year and a half, and there are no plans for them to come any time in the future. I feel resentful of their lack of consideration for me and my sister. They want me to make the trip to see them, and don’t seem to acknowledge the effort and sacrifices it takes to visit them, especially when I am an entrepreneur with a growing business.

Do you have any thoughts on how to improve this situation? I would like to be closer to them, but I feel that any compromise would have to be on my end, as that has always been the pattern. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

—Two Hours, Too Far

banana468 · May 2023

Have you extended the invitation?

climbingsingle · May 2023

I mean, do you really want to improve the situation? Mental health issues, controlling behavior, anxiety, highly religious. I'd probably rather go visit them and have the opportunity to leave when I wanted, rather the other way around.

mrsconn23 · May 2023

Why does either one have to go to the other if it's this fraught? Can you afford an afternoon to meet them in the middle for lunch?

Also, 2 hours, a few hours for visiting, and then 2 hours back is totally doable on a weekend day. There's no need to spend a night or two.

The bigger issue is whether or not LW (and their sister) want a relationship with their parents or not. That's the harder issue to tackle and I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle. Focusing on scorekeeping and logistics and blaming their parents feels easier.

short+sassy · May 2023

I would attempt to be closer in easier ways. Like through video/phone calls, texting, e-mails. Whatever works best for everyone.

But the LW needs to stop bending over backwards to visit their parents when the parents won't visit them. The LW should visit when they want to and, when the parents push for a visit to them, give the excuse that they are too busy and invite the parents to visit them instead.

My own pathetic story.

I have hard feelings with my own mom on this. At first, I was very understanding. I was the one who chose to move 1500 miles away. Then, later in her life, my mom's health condition exacerbated and she can no longer go on planes or stay in hotels without getting really sick. Totally understood! I'd go back home to visit every 1-2 years.

But then her and her H started traveling by RV. They have TWICE traveled across the country to visit family. But chose not to visit me.

For the cherry on top, one of those times their route had them driving through Baton Rouge (2 hours north of me). She contacted me with only about a week's notice to see if I could drive up and meet them for dinner. They were already on their trip.

Let's review. They spent 2 weeks in OH. Lots of family there, I get it. 3 days with her H's aunt in GA. 4 days in northern FL visiting his two nieces. But for her OWN DAUGHTER, they'll meet me for dinner if I make the 4-hour round trip to BR. It was really hurtful. I still would have done it, but it was bad timing that my H and I were going to be out of town.

That was the last straw for me. Now I only visit them in CA if I feel like it. This was 1-2 years before the pandemic, so that made it easy for me to have a 3-4 year break. Though I was there for a couple days last year when I was coming back from HI.

MyNameIsNot · May 2023

I feel a lot of the same way with FIL, S&S. He lives in Miami, so a really long drive or an easy flight from us. He'll hop on a plane to South America or New York at the drop of the hat, but refuses to come here even with H offering to pay for the flight. H has made an effort to go there at least 1-2/year, but FIL still constantly complains that H doesn't come around enough.

But a lot like the LW, the visiting is really just a symptom of an overall bad relationship. It sounds like LW is choosing to fixate on this as something tangible because it's easier than unpacking the whole thing.

levioosa · May 2023

I’m sorry S+S. That’s really hurtful. We feel that way with my uncle too. He flies around the world at the drop of a hat and he travels in a super nice camper van all around North America, but for some reason getting him to visit us or his parents (my grandparents) is impossible. Sometimes he’ll go visit his wife’s family in San Diego and then he’ll skip over us and it’s only 2.5 hours away. I know my grandparents are hurt by it and so is my mom.

Have you extended an invitation to them? Do you even want to see them?

Re: Have you extended an invitation to them? Do you even want to see them?

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