Dear Prudence,
After a split from my mother (she initiated) about a year ago, my dad has very recently started seeing someone new—a man! He told me over FaceTime, and specified over his call that he chose to tell me before my siblings and mother. He says that he’s happier than he’s been in 15 years, and I’m thrilled for him. But in the time after that conversation, I’ve been washed with a really deep grief I wasn’t expecting. When I came out as a teenager, about 10 years ago, my parents didn’t throw me out or disown me, but definitely weren’t pleased. I was grounded, and some mean things were said by both my parents—of particular note, my dad told me he would have to spend some time “mourning my future,” and then told me the story of a friend of his who had been murdered in a gay bashing as a young man.
Well, my future turned out just fine. I have an incredible partner of nearly seven years, I’m in a prestigious PhD program, and I’ve worked through these comments in therapy a couple times. But this conversation threw me, and the wounds feel raw again. Even if he didn’t realize his own queerness at the time, it stings that he would say such horrible things and then turn around and start a queer relationship himself. I have a text drafted reaffirming my love and support for him, but letting him know that I never forgot that reaction, and that I’m hurting because of it. I can’t decide whether to send it, or if that would be unnecessarily hurtful to him. Am I overreacting here, and should I just process this in private with my therapist? I have never said anything to either of my parents about their reaction to my coming out.
—Thought I’d Gotten Over This