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Telling my parents I'm nonbinary with no explanation needed.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I recently began using exclusively they/them pronouns after using the he/they combination for the last couple years and exclusively he/him before that. In addition, instead of cis male, I’m identifying as nonbinary (though still male presenting). I’m 37, for reference. Anyway, I need a script to tell my parents about this. It’s not that I don’t think they’ll accept it or anything like that. But I do know that they’ll have questions, some of which I’m likely going to be unable to answer (I suspect they’ll try to get me to essentially “justify” why I’m now identifying this way). And that’s the problem: My parents are bad at accepting there’s no further info available if they think there should be. So how do I tell them this while keeping them from pressing me for info I don’t have?

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Re: Telling my parents I'm nonbinary with no explanation needed.

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2023
    I could be wrong, but it could be lack of understanding/education what non-binary is instead of them wanting to justify anything.

    LW has been using "they" for awhile
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Good lord, LW, how did you come to the realization that you were non-binary?  Usually people find it through research, community, etc.  Find those same paths for your parents to read up on.  I honestly think non-binary is the most difficult gender for anyone to understand and has the most education required b/c we are so gender binary orientated that we can understand a spectrum of gender, but we don't understand being outside the spectrum. 

    I don't think LW bears the responsibility for educating their parents.  At the same time, in this particular time and political environment, google isn't going to be their parent's friend and LW should provide some vetted, safe, and accurate resources for their parents.  Even a local PFLAG might be beneficial for the parents.  I think LW will know if their parents are truly trying to learn or trying to disrespect their identity.  I can tell when people are being truly curious rather than other ill-intentioned questions about my sexuality.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If they’ve been using they pronouns for a while, and the parents have been okay about this, then while they may have questions- what’s the harm in answering what you can and suggesting resources for what you can’t? 

    This feels like it’s less about LWs gender identity than it does that they want to give their parents important information but don’t want to have an actual conversation about it. And that feels.. passive aggressive? 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    Good lord, LW, how did you come to the realization that you were non-binary?  Usually people find it through research, community, etc.  Find those same paths for your parents to read up on.  I honestly think non-binary is the most difficult gender for anyone to understand and has the most education required b/c we are so gender binary orientated that we can understand a spectrum of gender, but we don't understand being outside the spectrum. 

    I don't think LW bears the responsibility for educating their parents.  At the same time, in this particular time and political environment, google isn't going to be their parent's friend and LW should provide some vetted, safe, and accurate resources for their parents.  Even a local PFLAG might be beneficial for the parents.  I think LW will know if their parents are truly trying to learn or trying to disrespect their identity.  I can tell when people are being truly curious rather than other ill-intentioned questions about my sexuality.
    I'll admit that's me.  And it is because we are such a heavily gendered society.  It starts before we are even born.

    For someone who believes they were born the wrong gender, I can at least put myself in their shoes and understand it.  Like if I woke up tomorrow and was suddenly male, that would feel so wrong and off.

    I can't picture what it would be like to not feel like either gender.  I try to and I listen.  Because I want to understand how other people feel.  However, I'm just not there yet.

    But I also realize that is a "me" problem.  I will use the name/pronouns someone prefers and I'm not going to grill someone I only know casually or ask them to explain it to me. If I were close friends or family with someone who is nonbinary, I might ask them deeper questions if they were open to and seemed comfortable with it. If they had a LW's answer like "I don't know, I just do," it wouldn't help me understand but I also wouldn't keep needling them.

    I think the LW needs to have a few statements ready to go that best explain their feelings and identity.  And just keep rinsing and repeating that they don't have more information.
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