Dear Prudence,
I have a boyfriend of 7+ years; we are both in our 40s and have teenage children from previous relationships. We live in separate houses in the same city for various logistical reasons. Last summer, he was seriously injured in a bike crash and his mother, who lives in a different province, came to “take care of him,” which involved her turning up to run the show. I became a “visitor” on par with his casual friends who were allowed 10-minute visiting windows. When I pointed out this was inappropriate—we are partners—she banned me from seeing him, semi-conscious, altogether. I went months without seeing my partner. He needed the care, I was working full-time, while she stayed at his house and “didn’t want to see me,” which meant I couldn’t see him at all. He recovered, but now she pretends I don’t exist. This means I was prohibited from their Christmas gatherings (one week at her resort town, where I generally go while my kids are with their dad’s family) and she pointedly excluded me from a 10-day vacation to Aruba in the winter.
Flash-forward to now. She continues to come to town for long weekends, holidays, and birthdays. During these times, I cease to exist. My partner doesn’t consult me about these visits in advance, or he acts as if he has no say. Or that saying no is sacrificing his and his son’s relationship with his mother. Except I just found out I have breast cancer (a diagnosis which occurred because of and during a pregnancy which ultimately had to be terminated). Literally four days post-diagnosis, she’s in town for a week for my step-son’s birthday (which I’m banned from attending, obviously, and during which time I cannot see my partner). I begged my partner for any sort of compromise—maybe he could spend a just night with me, because I am shattered, while he spends days with her, etc.—and nothing. He characterizes me as needy and controlling.
I’m exhausted by this situation. I want a relationship where I can live with my partner and count on him to be physically present when, for instance, I receive a life-changing cancer diagnosis. I’m scared for the future when my partner’s mother decides to come to town and I cease to exist. Am I wrong to want to leave?
—Broken by My MIL