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There is no magic answer, either have her over or send her home.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

We have a pool, outdoor grill, and brick pizza oven in our backyard, and with three kids, it is constantly in use. Our HOA only allows certain types of fencing, so people can easily see into our backyard. Our new neighbor has a 9-year-old little girl, “Lia,” Lia is obviously very lonely and constantly comes over when we have people and asks if she can play.

The problem is Lia’s age makes her the odd one out in our neighborhood. Most families have teenagers or very little kids. We have a 13-year-old and twin 5-year-olds. We explained to Lia that these are family events and her mother should come over and talk to us. She hasn’t and the letter we left in her mailbox went ignored. Apparently, her mother works all the time and Lia is left in the car of her older brother who ignores her existence.

Lia still comes over when we have guests, and it breaks my heart to send her away each time. First, we are uncomfortable with having her over when we haven’t met her mother and secondly, it sets a bad precedent. We had bad encounters in the past with people taking advantage of us and using us for free childcare. My husband says we just need to keep sending Lia away. I am out of ideas. Can you help us?

—Pool Party

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Re: There is no magic answer, either have her over or send her home.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd try to go knock on the door when you know the mother/parents are home. 
    But also, if it breaks your heart to send her away, then don't. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Tell Lia that she can't come over until after you've met her parents, but also try talking to them again.

    No way in hell would I let a kid that age in my house without first talking to the parents, especially with a pool. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to be clear to Lia and also make more of an effort to meet the parents.  It doesn't mean that LW is doing anything bad but it's way past the time for letters in the mailbox.  You need to be clear with Lia that these are family events and you need to meet and talk to her mom.

    The poor kid is lonely but you also need some major rules before you have a 9 yo in your care and even without having a pool I wouldn't just take a kid into my backyard without parental knowledge and agreements. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's a tough one.  I'd want to befriend a lonely neighborhood child, but certainly not without it being okay with the parents and meeting them.  Plus, I'd only want it be a once in awhile thing, but that's not how a little girl like this would see it.

    I'd almost want to say invite the parents and Lia over for a BBQ and get to know them all better.  But then Lia would probably be even more motivated to want to hang out all the time.

    Ugh!  Or Lia might think she can come play in the pool even if no one is in the backyard, if she's been invited before.

    Warning, tragic story:





    There was a horrible incident here locally where a house with a pool was vacant and up for sale.  The owner kept putting locks on the gate and people kept breaking them off to use the pool.  A 6-year-old and her older siblings (but still little kids) were playing with friends in their own backyard that was next door to this house.  Nobody noticed the 6-year-old had left the yard.  She had wandered next door and drowned in the pool.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    That's a tough one.  I'd want to befriend a lonely neighborhood child, but certainly not without it being okay with the parents and meeting them.  Plus, I'd only want it be a once in awhile thing, but that's not how a little girl like this would see it.

    I'd almost want to say invite the parents and Lia over for a BBQ and get to know them all better.  But then Lia would probably be even more motivated to want to hang out all the time.

    Ugh!  Or Lia might think she can come play in the pool even if no one is in the backyard, if she's been invited before.

    Warning, tragic story:





    There was a horrible incident here locally where a house with a pool was vacant and up for sale.  The owner kept putting locks on the gate and people kept breaking them off to use the pool.  A 6-year-old and her older siblings (but still little kids) were playing with friends in their own backyard that was next door to this house.  Nobody noticed the 6-year-old had left the yard.  She had wandered next door and drowned in the pool.
    The fact that this kid is already over all the time says that Mom is probably not around.  Who knows why but she's probably lonely.

    That said - there's also a lack of boundaries here if the kid is wandering over all the tim and not taking no for an answer - and as a mom I'd feel bad for her but would also need to feel the need to protect myself from responsibility of a kid who is showing up without parents at her age. 
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