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You have a huge husband problem.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My in-laws spend half the year living in the same city as my husband, our two young children, and me. When they are in town, they want to come over all the time.
If we offered up daily visits or overnights, I’m sure they’d jump on it. I find them exhausting and they don’t seem to have boundaries. They rarely even ask if we’re free or would like to get together before telling us they’re coming over. I also don’t find them all that helpful with our children because quite frankly, I don’t trust them. They’ve made several choices that leave me uncomfortable leaving our kids alone with them. When I have tried to set clear boundaries, it seems like they just start communicating with my husband more and leave me out. He sees my point of view, but he also completely lacks the ability to tell them no, pretty much ever. Do I just have to suck this up for half the year for the rest of their lives? I need boundaries and space. Help!

—Need Boundaries That Work

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Re: You have a huge husband problem.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your H sucks. 

    If he's in agreement with you then he needs to be the one to tell his parents that now isn't a good time.  Be clear with him and poke deepr.  Make it clear to him that by not communicating to them he's deciding that he's putting his parents before you and the kids. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is another "you create boundaries for yourself, not to control other people" issue.  Figure out the boundary and the compromise such as setting a regular planned day and time for them to be over and then something like, "If they don't call first when outside of X time, I'm not opening the door.  If you (DH) do, I'm leaving with the kids" or whatever action LW wants to take.  Husband is either going to get on board or he's not and that's a therapy moment if he doesn't.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto that your husband sucks. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2023
    I'd love to tell LW to leave if IL's show up without warning or invitation, but they have 2 kids and depending on their ages, that can get sticky. Especially since LW outlines concerns about their IL's interaction/attention to their children, so I'd bet LW would want to take them along.  And also, it's LW's damn house. 

    I say to either not answer the door OR if H can't bear to ignore them, then they can stand on the porch or go somewhere else to visit.

    But LW, it's not that he can't put his foot down...he won't. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's a really unfair burden for her.  But if the H won't set up boundaries and space, then she should.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can't set boundaries without the H on board. And honestly, a man who can't say no to his parents is a deal breaker for me. 

    Couples counselling is probably the next step. He needs to know that this is not going to work. 
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