Dear Prudence,
After a tumultuous couple of years in my young adult life, I am now 28 years old and have just one best friend in the entire world (in addition to my wife and dear son). Throughout all of my ups and downs, my friend has been there compassionately and non-judgmentally, seeing me through the getting in (and out) of a very abusive and toxic relationship.
All the time, my friend has been in a pretty awful relationship of her own. For 10 years, she was cheated on consecutively and, despite saying this is her one deal-breaker in relationships, has always stayed and tried to minimize issues going forward by setting new “rules.” However, her longtime partner always had other drawbacks in the way of being emotionally manipulative, unavailable, and being 100 percent financially dependent on her.
Recently, he admitted he cheated again, although it was only “virtual.” She is not interested in discovering the extent of it beyond this, and ended the relationship. I have been extremely supportive and available during this time, and am so proud of her decision to finally move on.
However, I feel as though she is constantly backtracking, and I worry that she will return to him simply out of the fear of being alone.
My worst fear is that a) she will go back to him, and b) that if I tell her my concerns directly, I will alienate her from being truthful or having our friendship continue. This has always been a very fine line for me, but I see this as my one moment of opportunity, given my own experiences escaping an abusive relationship. On the one hand, I can keep our friendship intact and say nothing, or on the other, I can stand my ground in the way outsiders often fail to in recognizing and addressing dangerous and toxic relationships. I also worry about her resistance to not fully understanding what transpired, which may reveal his emotional or physical involvement with another woman and truly highlight his lack of desire for being with her beyond financial benefits. What should I do?
—Best Friend Forever