My partner calls me 'pan' and I don't see it that way.

Re: My partner calls me 'pan' and I don't see it that way.

• VarunaTT member

  

  June 2023 edited June 2023

  Wowza.  
  
  First of all, LW is heterosexual.  He's absolutely correct in everything he's said.  And Julia is buying into some patriarchal inner-homophobia bullshit that gets transwomen killed b/c straight men feel threatened and react violently when they're attracted to a transwoman.  Her behavior is what makes things like "trans panic defense" possible and she needs a reality check, hard.
  
  Also, super effin' gross of Julia to try and be defining her partner's sexual orientation.  Just so gross and wrong.
  
  ETA:  Not only that, but it engages in the split between the community of "bisexual" and "pansexual" folx and that makes me mad.  The label of bisexual is not inherently transphobic and the label of pansexual isn't some super elevated way of thinking about attraction.  
  
  Oof, this letter is really getting me agitated. 
  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  June 2023

  All of that @VarunaTT, also...LW is actively not trying to co-opt LGBTQI+ identity and that's a sign of a true ally.  So Julia is also not being respectful of LW on that front either.  
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  June 2023

  I assume his g/f has had frustrating experiences where her sexual identity was questioned.  Which makes it extra galling that she won't respect his.  That's a hill I'd die on.  Not because of how other people would view or think about it, but because it's defining the LW in a different way than how he actually sees himself.

  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  June 2023

  I actually just came across something on tiktok like this and prior to this, I would have assumed that LW would be pan - but honestly I get where I was mistaken.
  
  I feel like Julia is somehow not understanding it also because she's a trans woman and making assumptions?

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  June 2023

  I wonder how Julia would feel if LW started telling her that she's straight because she's in a relationship with a man. But yeah, that's a super childish way to go about it. 
  

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• VarunaTT member

  

  June 2023

  I was still thinking about this letter last night and I had another thing.
  
  One of the things you're taught in advocacy work is to emphasize that a person's lived experience is what you should be listening to, no matter what your personal thoughts are about that person or the community they represent.  
  
  Julia is out here just flagarantly violating one of the major things taught for transfolx advocacy by not listening to LW say he's heterosexual.  Now, I can't and won't assume that just b/c someone is trans, they're knowledgeable about their own community or advocacy in general (Hi, Caitlyn Jenner), but it's still really off-putting to me when someone from my own community won't listen to what I'm saying to them (cis gay white men who tell me that it's dumb all the different labels have their own flags and we should all just gather under the OG rainbow or lesbians who called me a phase, fence strider, and other various gross things).
  
  Also, as a bisexual woman, ALL of my relationships are queer, b/c they're mine and I'm queer.  If I date a heterosexual cis man, his in a straight relationship from his POV, b/c he is straight and I fall into his sexual orientation...I'm still in a queer relationship b/c my relationship is based my sexual orientation and he falls into my queer sexual orientation.  Julia is queer b/c of both her gender identity (if she wants) and her sexual orientation.  Some transfolx identify as heterosexual and queer, b/c of their gender identity, not their sexual identity.  And some trans folx who are trans and heterosexual, won't identify with the community at all (it's rare, but I do have a previous friend who rejected the queer community b/c "I'm a woman, period and I'm straight, so I'm not queer). 
  
  I hope that all makes sense.  Human sexuality and gender is just a lot more than the binary and I'm glad to see conversations happening.
  
  I do not like Prudie's response, btw:
  
  "Dear Confused,

  This is so tricky because you both know how you met and who you are and all the ins and outs of each other’s history and attraction and you’re apparently compatible enough to have a full-fledged relationship, but the disagreement about terminology is one you can’t ignore.

  But I do wonder if this disagreement represents a deeper divide —like perhaps you assign different significance to the labels, and whether that might play out in how you decide to organize your life together. Does Julia’s desire to label you “pansexual” signify that she doesn’t want straightness or straight people to play a central role in your life? Does your identity as straight connect to other choices you might make about your friends, your community, and your politics? Is any of this going to affect where you go, who you hang out with, and what you talk about? At the end of the day, you should get the final word on what you’re called, and Julia should certainly respect that. But simply insisting isn’t the best path forward. This dilemma is an opportunity for you two to know each other better. Sit down and give it some attention. Why does it bother you when Julia misidentifies you? Think about how you feel when it happens and write down all the thoughts and emotions and ideas that come to mind, even the ones that seem unreasonable. Have her do the same when it comes to what she experiences when she thinks “I’m dating a man who says he’s straight.” Then share them with each other, listen, and ask questions to better understand.

  Push past the terminology to what’s behind it: your worries, fears, and hopes for your life together."

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• levioosa member

  

  June 2023

  Ew. “Why does it bother you when Julia misidentifies you.” Come on Prudie, do better. 

  
  

  
  

  

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