Lock up the snacks, but you also need to stop resenting a 14 y.o.

mrsconn23 · June 2023

Dear Prudence,

We have two girls; my daughter is 12 and my stepdaughter is 14. My daughter has severe food intolerances and it has taken a lot to find snacks that she likes, are healthy, and don’t cause her to throw up. My stepdaughter will and can eat anything. My daughter has special shelves in the fridge and the pantry where her food goes, but lately, when my stepdaughter is over, she steals food from my daughter even after eating through her own snacks. She claims she just had a craving and it isn’t a big deal, but it leaves my daughter in tears because she is hungry and can’t eat the other food in the house. I think my stepdaughter is pulling a power play here. She has been testing boundaries for a while and I don’t believe she ’”forgot” her stepsister can’t eat a lot of normal food. And the stuff is pricey! My husband refuses to punish her in any way and the solution is to get lock boxes for my daughter. I told him his daughter isn’t a raccoon, she is deliberately stealing from her stepsister to cause a reaction. Punish her—take away her phone, block the internet, make her do chores! We agreed we each let each other parent our own kid, but this is nuts. My husband said his daughter threatened not to come over anymore.

I told him to call her bluff. She is 14 and can’t hold the adults in her life hostage. Her mother had a good relationship with us and has been complaining about her behavior as well. This is starting to drive a serious wedge between us. Help!

—Food Fight

charlotte989875 · June 2023

I think this is a two-fold approach; 1) does she get any input on her snacks? Let her choose something to feel like you’re catering to her needs as well. Yes she doesn’t *need* it in the way the other daughter does but maybe she’s feeling like her preferences aren’t valued. 2) if she continues to do it then yes there are consequences for her behavior (e.g. replace the snacks with her own money).

short+sassy · June 2023

I definitely agree the stepdaughter should be able to choose her own snacks. Maybe have those set aside on their own shelf area and keep it stocked. She could be acting out because it feels like preferential treatment to the other child.

Does the daughter have snacks that the stepdaughter especially likes also? If so, let the stepdaughter have her own stash of those also.

One of the frustrating parts is that the father doesn't want to punish his daughter. I agree with the LW that there should be negative consequences when the stepdaughter takes the other child's food.

At this point since there have already been multiple warnings, I'd go all out and start locking the daughter's food up. If she doesn't share a room with her stepsister, put a mini fridge in her room. It's a terrible solution because it's going too far and will cause the stepdaughter to feel very unwelcome. But if the father is going to be so spineless, then the LW does need to take extreme measures to make sure her daughter gets proper nutrition and doesn't feel hungry.

climbingsingle · June 2023

With N's kids, we have a group text where before they come over, we ask what snacks each of them want. I'd maybe try that tactic in letting her choose her snacks, with the understanding that she can eat only the stuff she chooses.

mrsconn23 · June 2023

I completely empathize with LW's frustration and I feel bad for their daughter that her stepsister eats her snacks and leaves her hungry. But assigning ill intent to the 14 yo, accusing her of 'stealing' freely available food, calling it a 'power play' or pushing boundaries, and accusing her of essentially lying is not going to help in your relationships with the whole household here.

Teenagers can literally be like raccoons when they're hangry and want to shovel food in their mouth. They DGAF if they take the last poptart or granola bar or bag of chips if it sounds good in the moment.

If the 12 yo is on such a restricted diet that her food cannot be touched except for by her, then lock it up. But also, give the 14 yo some freedom of choice as well. If she likes a snack the 12 yo can have, buy double so they can share.

If the 14 yo starts breaking into the restricted, locked up snacks, then it's worth exploring punishment. But at the moment, LW doesn't have much of a leg to stand on with all blame she's piling on the 14 yo and LW is going to make SD resent her daughter. Food for thought.

banana468 · June 2023

I need more info here and right now I'm in a bit of team ESH except the daughter.

If she has food intolerances then she can't eat the other foods. But then
there needs to be a different approach to the snacks - like the LW may need to double up and buy the same snacks for the step daughter.

But the reality is that the LW and H aren't on the same page. And if the step sister is knowingly eating the food and not the stuff the step mom bought then it's not cool.

But I'd like to know what snacks the step daughter is passing up on. Is the LW the snack buyer?

There's not a lot of info here other than no one is on the same page.

MesmrEwe · June 2023

This is multi-fold LW "I'm okay spending money on my daughter to have expensive snacks available all the time but SD isn't allowed those same foods/snacks!" and "LW - have you been living under a rock to not understand the way growing 12 & 14yo's eat - it's guard your fingers for dear life at times! Both of these kids can also eat the healthy stuff! This is a good problem to have because both can eat the healthy stuff together and have solid nutrition without buying two sets of food for someone who isn't there all the time! And, potentially bond over finding foods to make together that both can enjoy!"

Chances are good like the PP suggested they're purchasing food/snacks without the 14yo's input and/or not in adequate amounts. Or "that time of the month" cravings are a thing. LW also sounds like a piece of work thinking those laundry list punishments are appropriate for high school age over food/snacking. SNS - I'd be livid if I was to have no way to contact my child because she had "eaten SD's snack" when hungry at Dad's house.. OR, kid didn't get their homework done because SM cut off the internet access because teenager ate a snack... Regardless of which parent would be losing contact from that "punishment", wrong and potentially against family law in some states!

Age appropriate chores should be expected behaviors that contribute to the functioning of the household while there, not punishments. Fourteen is in the mentoring age and developing adulting skills, the fact that the 14yo is wanting to express autonomy and consistency around food instead of spending time around LW says a lot too that there's an imbalance. Gaslighting out of either party isn't okay, but some things aren't "testing boundaries" or "pulling a power play", they're "setting realistic boundaries and standards for the functioning of normal people".

Lock up the snacks, but you also need to stop resenting a 14 y.o.

Re: Lock up the snacks, but you also need to stop resenting a 14 y.o.

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