Um, move out and act your age

Casadena · June 2023

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a 23-year-old woman who lives in the house with her parents while taking a break from school. My mental health is very important to me and always being around my family takes a toll because they live through stress because of their past decisions. My mother came to the states at 7, lived in the projects in downtown NYC, got her degrees, and moved out to the suburbs of Jersey in a newly built house. I’ve seen the struggles my parents went through to get where they are now, including going the both the crash of ‘07 and the pandemic. However, my life is completely different. I have a choice to be stressed or take things one step at a time while I’m applying for full-time jobs that will allow me to be financially stable (at the moment, I am babysitting).

My trouble is that I know where I am and where my head is at. I have a plan that will take more time for me to get where I believe I need to go as a young adult and am paving a career for myself. My mom at my age had different responsibilities, but her comments always make me feel like a failure. I let her get into my head about me being lazy, a party animal, irresponsible, a spoiled brat. It was her idea to make me stay home and commute to school. Last semester, I was a full-time student working two jobs along with an internship. To top it all off my car got stolen, which made me more dependent on my parents.

I thought that after I got a new car, things would smooth over, but even when I try to meet her in the middle by being helpful around the house and attending family events with her on the weekends, I’m apparently still not doing enough because I haven’t landed a full-time job. I’ve tried explaining to her that I will pick up one responsibility at a time and finding a job for me is about building my career, not just making money. I have babysitting for that and have started building up my confidence more. I started applying to jobs in March. She always tells me I’m not doing enough, but I feel like I’m doing more than enough because I haven’t felt this kind of calm in years. I know how much I can handle and do not want to be unnecessarily pushed.

The bottom line is, I am 23 and don’t know where to start when it comes to balancing out what I want in life and how my mom wants me to go about doing it. I have tried talking to her, but all I get is more hate towards myself by the end of the conversation. What do you think I should do?

Casadena · June 2023

This is from a different Slate column but i've been thinking about it for days and think the answer was far too nice. I reaaaally want to hear if it angers you all as much as it does me.

MyNameIsNot · June 2023

People like LW are the reason older people call younger generations lazy, selfish and entitled. (I don't think this is new, there have always been people like LW.)

But yeah, LW needs a dose of reality without the sugar coating. Mom telling a 23 year old freeloader to get a job is hate? FFS.

charlotte989875 · June 2023

I just… you’re living rent free and you don’t want to get a job. You’re not a failure but your are an adult who isn’t looking for full time work or paying for your own expenses. If you’re unhappy about the living arrangements (including your mothers comments) find a job and move out.

VarunaTT · June 2023

Ah, to be 23 and dumb again. LW, you "have a choice to be stressed or take things one step at a time" b/c you're living with your parents. And DAMN, you are judgey about their life choices, which....seem normal and healthy to me? I was super expecting a drug story or something.

IDK what to tell you, b/c all I can think is grow TF up already. If you don't like how your mother is treating you, MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE.

levioosa · June 2023

I can identify with some of LW. There was a point where I was mentally not in a good space around that age. I was working three jobs, going to school full time, and I had all of these pressures from my family. During the 2007 recession so there literally were no “career” jobs around me; the “adults” with experience were struggling. My parents really were unfair with how they treated me. But then you know what? I moved out. I took a break from it and continued working but took a gap year from school so I didn’t continue to harm my future with burned out bad grades. LW has that option. Or is it just easier to sit at the (I’m assuming) free living accommodations and complain? Please LW. You are not a martyr here. Your mom worked incredibly hard to get where she was at. She didn’t have the luxury of “prioritizing her mental health.” You don’t think she would have loved to sit back and relax a little? You aren’t in school, you don’t have a full time job, you’re “babysitting” on the side, and you’re 23. It’s time to grow up.

climbingsingle · June 2023

MyNameIsNot said:

People like LW are the reason older people call younger generations lazy, selfish and entitled. (I don't think this is new, there have always been people like LW.)

But yeah, LW needs a dose of reality without the sugar coating. Mom telling a 23 year old freeloader to get a job is hate? FFS.

Ding ding ding!

short+sassy · June 2023

Casadena said:

Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 23-year-old woman who lives in the house with her parents while taking a break from school. My mental health is very important to me and always being around my family takes a toll because they live through stress because of their past decisions. My mother came to the states at 7, lived in the projects in downtown NYC, got her degrees, and moved out to the suburbs of Jersey in a newly built house. I’ve seen the struggles my parents went through to get where they are now, including going the both the crash of ‘07 and the pandemic. However, my life is completely different. I have a choice to be stressed or take things one step at a time while I’m applying for full-time jobs that will allow me to be financially stable (at the moment, I am babysitting).

Right. The LW has a choice to be stressed because they are living with their mom and have to deal with her attitude. Or they can get a f/t job, even if it is a stop gap, and not for their "career".

So far, they have chosen to stay living at their parent's house. Because it causes them less stress than getting a job that is "beneath them".

It's possible it might still be difficult for them to find a job that pays enough to move out even if they broadened their job search. Though the mom would probably be more understanding if they were working f/t and helping with bills. It's also possible the mom, at least to an extent, is being too harsh and unfair. At least with the name calling.

I'd love to see the same letter, but from the mom's POV as to how their child is spending the majority of their time.

charlotte989875 · June 2023

I know my situation isn’t the norm but at 23 I was living with 4 roommates, getting my masters, taking out loans, and working at a bar (mostly days but some weekends) and writing my thesis at night and during slow shifts. It wasn’t great for my mental health but I did what I had to.

short+sassy · June 2023

@Casadena, I love the Care and Feeding column! That is often my reading material at lunch when I'm at work, lol.

banana468 · June 2023

This LW makes me full of rage.

Also, you obviously aren't valuing the mental health or finances of everyone else! Sure your own mental health is important but if you want to be treated like an adult then you aren't going to be on your parents' dime doing the job that a 13 yo can do.

If you do not want to be criticized then stop sending letters to advice columnists and consider drafting a cover letter for your resume. A job that pays the bills needs to not suck and not be perfect.

I'd almost recommend some kind of career and family counseling combo. Then there can be a plan that's got a timeline of goals the LW needs to meet and the mom isn't "nagging" but pretty much telling her to get on it.

I'm absolutely loathe to use the line, "This is how I did it" as a reason another generation should. But the LW seems to be so in tune with her mental health that they're not in tune with the wallets of well...anyone.

STARMOON44 · June 2023

Babysitting and taking your time to find a real
Job isn’t a good plan. Mom is right!

MesmrEwe · June 2023

Casadena said:

This is from a different Slate column but i've been thinking about it for days and think the answer was far too nice. I reaaaally want to hear if it angers you all as much as it does me.

...Yep!

LW definitely has a life skills gap! In the quest to give kids everything to not stress out while in school and allow them an "easy" time to set their foundations and waiting for things to be in perfect order instead of making things happen. They're missing the skills of fortitude ... to make the life they want to live happen instead of expecting everything given to them which it has been to a greater extent than they realize. Instead, they're judgmental AF about their parents generation and won't consider the choices the parents had to make along the way never involved "easy" or "stress free" nor that place she's living is coming with strings because she's 23 and not 3!

MesmrEwe · June 2023

Casadena said:

This is from a different Slate column but i've been thinking about it for days and think the answer was far too nice. I reaaaally want to hear if it angers you all as much as it does me.

...Yep!

LW definitely has a life skills gap! In the quest to give kids everything to not stress out while in school and allow them an "easy" time to set their foundations and waiting for things to be in perfect order instead of making things happen. They're missing the skills of fortitude ... to make the life they want to live happen instead of expecting everything given to them which it has been to a greater extent than they realize. Instead, they're judgmental AF about their parents generation and won't consider the choices the parents had to make along the way never involved "easy" or "stress free" nor that place she's living is coming with strings because she's 23 and not 3!

Um, move out and act your age

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