If they won't plan, don't prepare for them.

mrsconn23 · June 2023

Dear Prudence,

My in-laws are overall lovely people, very kind, but we are just very far apart on advance planning. I have a toddler and am currently pregnant. I work full-time and carry a lot of the mental load of our household, from vet and pediatrician appointments to most household repairs, etc. because I work from home. Part of my sanity is keeping a calendar and knowing well in advance what’s coming up so I can be sure I am ready, rested, can take nausea medication if I need it, house cleaned, groceries purchased, toddler fed and slept, etc. when we have guests. I know I cannot always perfectly control all variables, but I’d rather have a plan to deviate from than have nothing.

My in-laws take great exception to this and think I’m controlling. They will not confirm when or even if they are coming or meeting us at all until sometimes hours before, so I need to plan for both eventualities, which is exhausting. I have had them show up hours early, late, or not at all for events for our child. I’ve ended up with a lot of wasted food (which we can’t really afford), an overtired kid, and scrambling to figure out a plan B on more than one occasion. These are not casual occasions—I’m talking about holidays, birthdays. It’s starting to take a toll on me and I think my partner notices me tense up when the topic of making plans with them comes up. None of his siblings’ lives look like ours—they are all single, no kids, maximally in control of their own time other than work, which is great and fine but they just don’t understand why this is so hard for me. This is stressing me out and my partner is upset. I don’t look forward to seeing them anymore. I’ve explained why, but he says this is cultural for them and they will never change, so I need to find a way to accept it. Can you help me figure out what to do? I’ll admit I am hormonal and have not been feeling well, so I am probably not being completely fair to everyone involved or realizing potentially obvious solutions.

—My In-Laws Won’t Plan

VarunaTT · June 2023

I can't with this letter, I'm just sitting here going:

Hahahahaaaa-nope GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

MyNameIsNot · June 2023

WTF is wrong with your husband?

short+sassy · June 2023

The ILs need to start having consequences for their actions. For example, they only get invited to things where their presence (or absence) doesn't make much difference. If they come early or unannounced, don't let them in. Tell them, "Sorry, our plans are for 5PM, not 3PM and I can't accommodate you right now."

I'm also wondering where the H is to take up some of the burden the PREGNANT LW is dealing with. For example, he works outside the house. Just like it's easier for her to set up various appointments because she WFH. He should be the one to do all the grocery shopping, since he can do it more easily as a stop on his way home. And at least while she's pregnant and then recovering, he should do most of the household chores.

charlotte989875 · June 2023

You have a partner problem. If they are leaving all of the work to you and refusing to make your life easier by having his family confirm plans he’s prioritizing his family’s preferences over your labor and work load.

If he won’t do something you can. Tell them if they don’t confirm by X date there won’t be food for them and follow through. If your kid needs to go to bed at a certain time then drive separately or take them upstairs and do your routine. Just because they’re inconsiderate doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries around what you’re willing to accommodate (or not).

levioosa · June 2023

I have a lot of thoughts. Mostly all around all of the ways husband sucks.

MesmrEwe · June 2023

LW - You have a roommate not a partner.

banana468 · June 2023

I would stop. And I'd be clear that given past behavior there will be no food for them. Because culturally I don't waste food or my time and I keep my kids on schedule.

I'd be clear to the H. "Tell your family that I'm not disrupting my schedule our our kids schedule for them. Events are going on the timing we set and if someone is not available then we're not available for them. I understand that this is how they are culturally but we are in this together and every time you allow them here it's extra work, extra time and money we don't have. Can you please help me understand why you are not telling them to modify when this is taxing in so many ways?" If he's not there to support you then you have a long term issue because my next question would be "What of your budgets will you reduce because it's your family that is costing us more money? And because you won't say no you will then manage all the results of their late arrivals that throw us off schedule? " Because if his answer is no then you need to tell him his choices are to negotiate with you to set terms in front of a therapist or an attorney.

If they won't plan, don't prepare for them.

Re: If they won't plan, don't prepare for them.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards