Announcements are not STDs or invites

Re: Announcements are not STDs or invites

• MyNameIsNot member

  

  July 2023

  leanner9777 said:

  We sent out some engagement announcements with another round set to go out next week (we waited until after FSIL's wedding to send them to my fiance's family so she could have her day without people talking about our plans). They DO contain a very vague wedding plan, literally it says, "Wedding planned for September 2025" I added the URL for our website just so people could read our story and get more info on our plans as they progress.  The main reason we sent them out was to give people time to save some money if they wanted to join us as we're planning a destination wedding.  We're only officially inviting about 25 people all of whom already knew the plan...but we are welcoming "wedding crashers" if other people want to go.The more the merrier but I'm not feeding everyone brunch, ya know? Since it is a big trip we figured the more notice and info they had the better. We do plan to have a local reception after we get back from the trip and we wanted people to know that as well so no one gave us grief about not having a party (and some would have LOL).
  
  The problem is, people seem to be misunderstanding that it was JUST an engagement announcement. It's not even a STD as those won't go out until late next year once dates have been finalized and venues contracted. One of our good friends who is on the official ceremony invite list, said, "You invited my FIL to Hawaii? I was hoping he could watch the kids while we were there."  I said, "Nope, no one has been invited anywhere yet...we simply let them know we were engaged."
  
  Did anyone run into this issue? With MANY more people getting them soon, some of whom aren't the brightest bulbs on the string, how do we handle the misunderstanding of what an announcement is?

  People are confused because you are doing something confusing! A wedding announcement is mailed after the wedding to people who weren't invited. An engagement announcement used to be printed in the paper and is now made on social media. A mailed notice this far out is an STD.
  
  Also, you need to rethink this inviting crashers thing. You expect people to spend the money to fly to Hawaii and you can't be bothered to buy them brunch? Just no. If you want to host 25 people, you send STDs and invitations to 25 people. The rest of them can get a mailed announcement after the fact or see photos on socials. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  July 2023

  Yeah, this is super messy and I can see why people are confused. Also, super lame of you to call your friends/relatives "not the brightest bulbs" when you're the one doing something confusing. 
  
  In my 40+ years of life, I have never received a mailed engagement announcement. The fact that you sent these out along with your wedding website is why people are thinking it's an invite/STD. 
  
  Don't send any more of these out. Send STDs only to people that you are inviting. And the "wedding crashers" thing makes no sense. Are these people invited? If they come to Hawaii, are they attending the ceremony and reception? If so, you need to feed them! There's no grey area there. 

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• leanner9777 member

  

  July 2023 edited July 2023

  never mind

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  July 2023

  PP are correct. You don't send out engagement announcements especially with your wedding website. This is confusing. Even is Great Aunt Kathy isn't on insta you can call her if you want her to know you are engaged. I've been married 40 years. When we got engaged we called our family who lived out of town and wouldn't see our announcement in the paper. Word of mouth spread among our friends. This can still be done in this age of social media. However, I would never call a family member to tell them and not invite them to the wedding (ceremony and reception). You don't need to be so upset with everyone, you are getting correct advice.

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• flantastic member

  

  July 2023

  Yikes. Yeah, it's poor taste to make a big deal of the fact that you're getting married to people you have no intention of inviting.
  
  It's also pretty narcissistic to think that people are going to want to make a whole trip just to hang out near your wedding. Or go to a consolation party after. Most people realize that if someone informs them well in advance of a destination wedding date and location so that they can make plans, that should be followed by an invite to the actual wedding, where they are hosted as a thank you for the time and trouble they took to come celebrate with you.
  
  Your plan makes sense to you but is confusing others because you think simply hanging out in the aura of your wedding is more desirable than it actually is.
  

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2023

  flantastic said:

  Yikes. Yeah, it's poor taste to make a big deal of the fact that you're getting married to people you have no intention of inviting.
  
  It's also pretty narcissistic to think that people are going to want to make a whole trip just to hang out near your wedding. Or go to a consolation party after. Most people realize that if someone informs them well in advance of a destination wedding date and location so that they can make plans, that should be followed by an invite to the actual wedding, where they are hosted as a thank you for the time and trouble they took to come celebrate with you.
  
  Your plan makes sense to you but is confusing others because you think simply hanging out in the aura of your wedding is more desirable than it actually is.
  

  All of this.  Yes, news paper viewership has declined.  Mailed engagement announcements with links to your wedding website are not taking place of that.  
  
  You essentially did the adult version of a 3rd grader who announced they're having a party, saying where it was but also saying you didn't intend to invite the entire class.  There's a reason elementary schools frown upon that behavior from children and adults should know better.

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• MobKaz member

  

  July 2023

  leanner9777 said:

  Original post deleted...
  
  Couple answers received that weren't really helpful in explaining why people misunderstand an engagement announcement isn't an invitation...instead they lit me up for sending an engagement announcement to friends and family and then for not wanting to buy brunch for people who show up but aren't invited to my wedding but decided to go anyway.
  
  For those reading the replies and wondering what I had asked...I will summarize: We sent engagement announcements out two years in advance which some recipients took to be the same an invitations. Our wedding site info was included on the card. Then I mentioned these were sent way early so if people wanted to go to our destination and be at our wedding they could...we are only INVITING X number of people but if others want to use it as an excuse to take themselves on vacation then that's on them and I'm not providing transportation or providing food for "the wedding crashers." I don't mind them coming but as they weren't invited I don't feel I'm responsible for feeding them. We didn't ask them to make the trip, we are only asking those X people we are inviting. I have ZERO expectations from anyone as far as traveling for our wedding, we HOPE the people we invite to Hawaii will be there, but if others show up that was THEIR choice, it's THEIR vacation and there just so happens to be a wedding going on.  There is a reception at home afterwards which everyone getting an announcement WILL be invited to when the time comes for invites to be sent out.
  
  Also, a comment on engagement announcements....they used to be published in the local paper several decades ago obviously. Yes, they are shared on social media these days...however, not everyone we wanted to share the news with and who will be invited to the reception has social media.  Crazy, I know, but great Aunt Kathy who is 93 isn't real active on Insta.
  
  Walking away from the forums now.
  
  

  
  Why is it that those who seem to be most in need of advice and suggestions walk away?  @leanner9777, I recommend you at least lurk on these boards to avoid future mistakes as you plan your wedding.  It's a lot easier and wiser to get sound advice here from strangers rather than distress, upset, or lose relationships with poor planning.
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  July 2023

  There's a reason why many of the people you sent these announcements to are confused. Because what you did was confusing. 
  
  You couldn't call Aunt Kathy to tell her the news? "Crazy". 
  
  For any other brides reading this, if you're so intent on sending an engagement announcement like this, don't include your wedding website. It will lead to a confusing situation exactly like this one. 
  
  Also would like to note that in my many years of life, I have never received a mailed engagement announcement. Ever. Not back in the day of newspapers or now in the day of social media. I have multiple family members in their 20s that are engaged and actively planning weddings. Nothing about the engagement was mailed. 

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2023

  climbingsingle said:

  There's a reason why many of the people you sent these announcements to are confused. Because what you did was confusing. 
  
  You couldn't call Aunt Kathy to tell her the news? "Crazy". 
  
  For any other brides reading this, if you're so intent on sending an engagement announcement like this, don't include your wedding website. It will lead to a confusing situation exactly like this one. 
  
  Also would like to note that in my many years of life, I have never received a mailed engagement announcement. Ever. Not back in the day of newspapers or now in the day of social media. I have multiple family members in their 20s that are engaged and actively planning weddings. Nothing about the engagement was mailed. 

  I'm going to add that despite getting married nearly 16 years ago the internet was in full force at that point.  
  
  STILL, nothing was mailed.  We'd spread the word via email if we didn't call people to say what was going on but it was written in all etiquette sources I consulted that printed engagement announcements were actually improper because they lead exactly to the situation you're in.
  
  What's done is done, but please consider lurking and doing some research not just on what's modern but on the reasons why some of the etiquette rules existed.

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