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She's not breaking up with the BF

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have a crush on one of my close friends, but she’s in a relationship and I don’t know what to do. I met her like a year ago and we were instantly friends. I think that it might have been either fate or love at first fucking sight, because as soon as I laid eyes on her, something clicked in my mind that she was the one. I could literally picture myself with her while we’re old and gray, but, like I said, she’s in a relationship. The most frustrating thing is that if she was straight or if she never reciprocated anything—we flirt all the time—it might be easier to get over this, but she does every fucking time, and it’s getting even harder to remind myself that I can never be with her because she’s absolutely in love with her long-term boyfriend. I’ve had conversations with her about all the things that go on in her relationship because we’re friends, and sometimes it really seems like she wants to break up with him, but when I ask if she ever would, she says that she doesn’t think she ever could. It’s so painful seeing them together when I know that there is a possibility that we could be together, and I don’t know where to even begin when it comes to getting over this stupendous crush. I could also never distance myself from her because we have such a strong connection, like we’re basically soulmates. I just need some advice on what to do because honestly it hurts so fucking much.

—Little Miss Heartbroken

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Re: She's not breaking up with the BF

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I’d put a stop to the flirting and maybe she’ll stop? Sounds like it’s two way and getting confusing.

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OMG, OP, you don't need to be a queer stereotype.

    Take some time off from the relationship, stop flirting, put some boundaries in place for your behavior, and let time do it's job so your heart stops doing it's thing.  Hell, go have a NSA fling and get it out of your system.  But stop this, now.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She doesn’t want to fuck you! Find someone who does. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, LW, you can distance yourself from her and that's exactly what you need to do.  This is a toxic friendship.  And stop lying to yourself.  You aren't soul mates and it was only "love at first sight" for you.

    I think they are both awful people, at least in terms of this relationship.  The LW because she doesn't care this person has a serious b/f and seems to be actively trying to break them up.  But also the friend because she has to know the LW has romantic feelings for her but, instead of discouraging it, goads it on.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    Yes, LW, you can distance yourself from her and that's exactly what you need to do.  This is a toxic friendship.  And stop lying to yourself.  You aren't soul mates and it was only "love at first sight" for you.

    I think they are both awful people, at least in terms of this relationship.  The LW because she doesn't care this person has a serious b/f and seems to be actively trying to break them up.  But also the friend because she has to know the LW has romantic feelings for her but, instead of discouraging it, goads it on.
    Does she know? I wonder if the friend just thinks they’re really close? 

    Either way- pull back, take some time exploring things you’re interested in. Stop going back for more pain and confusion. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    charlotte989875 said:
    short+sassy said:
    Yes, LW, you can distance yourself from her and that's exactly what you need to do.  This is a toxic friendship.  And stop lying to yourself.  You aren't soul mates and it was only "love at first sight" for you.

    I think they are both awful people, at least in terms of this relationship.  The LW because she doesn't care this person has a serious b/f and seems to be actively trying to break them up.  But also the friend because she has to know the LW has romantic feelings for her but, instead of discouraging it, goads it on.
    Does she know? I wonder if the friend just thinks they’re really close? 

    Either way- pull back, take some time exploring things you’re interested in. Stop going back for more pain and confusion. 
    The LW really emphasized that her friend flirts with her all the time, which is one of the reasons she is having a hard time thinking of her as just a friend.

    It's possible it's just in the LW's imagination because other things are.  The friend's flirtation level is probably exaggerated to some extent.  But the LW is definitely flirting with her, so I don't think it's likely the friend doesn't know.

    I've never had a same sex friend have a crush on me.  At least that I know of because I've haven't had someone act differently.  But I have occasionally had male friends who I strongly suspected did, even if they never said anything.  I'm not going to end a friendship over that, as long as they aren't being inappropriate.

    However, I do usually scale back how I interact with them and make sure I only see them with at least one other person around so they never misconstrue an outing as a romantic date.  Not because I'm worried about myself.  But because they are my friend and I care about them, so I don't want their romantic feelings to grow stronger for me.

    And that's where I have an issue with the LW's friend.  I'm almost positive they know, but it seems like they are encouraging the LW's romantic feelings instead of being more careful to not say or do something that adds to it.  Because whatever it is the friend is doing, the LW sees it as major flirting every time they see each other.
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