They're preferences aren't less important than yours...

Casadena · August 2023

Dear Prudence,

I would love your perspective on an ongoing challenge I’m having with my family. My husband and I have two young children, and we live on the opposite coast from both of our parents. The issue that keeps coming up is planning holidays. My husband’s side of the family likes to plan a couple of months in advance—and so do I! My side of the family, however, thinks this is totally unreasonable. I invite them each year to spend Thanksgiving with us, and I’d love for this to be a tradition for my kids, but I’m met each year with the same response: “We can’t possibly commit to that two months ahead of time.” A few years ago, I waited and waited and they finally agreed a couple weeks beforehand and it was a nice visit, but I felt stressed and unable to plan or prepare my young children leading up to the holiday, since we didn’t know until the last minute who was going to be there.

The past two years, I’ve tried my best to set an “RSVP-by” date, but it’s been met with a fair amount of push-back. Last year they did not commit and did not visit, and my husband’s family spent Thanksgiving with us instead. This year my in-laws are starting to talk about holiday plans, and I’ve brought it up to my side of the family again, and been met with the “we can’t possibly commit” response. When I responded that my husband’s side of the family may visit instead, I was met with passive-aggressive remarks like “wow, I guess if you choose to spend both holidays with one side of the family, that’s your choice.”

My question is this: Am I being inflexible? My husband says we are essentially being asked to “put a holiday on hold,” not make any other plans, and just be prepared for the possibility that we will either be hosting or not. I want to create a tradition where my kids can share a special experience with my family, but it seems like they don’t value this or even really appreciate my effort. When I bring this up, I’m told that everyone has busy schedules (my mom is retired and my brother does gig work) and that I need to “meet people where they are in life.” But I’m beginning to dread the thought of a holiday that I used to love and look forward to.

—Meet Me Where I Am This Time?

banana468 · August 2023

Ask them why they can't make plans so early. Is it related to jobs or refusal to commit? If it's jobs you may need to try to be flexible but if it's a lack of willingness to change then you may need to be really clear that you're balancing your household with multiple other families. Ask what timing DOES work and see if a compromise is possible but if not, you'll need to be clear that if they can't tell you then you're in a tough spot.

climbingsingle · August 2023

I'd be so annoyed by that. My family also plans way in advance of who is hosting, and we all live within 90 minutes of each other.

I'm with your husband. They're asking you to put the holidays on hold for their plans, and it's not fair. I'd simply tell them "if you can't commit by so and so date, I will make other plans. Maybe next year."

charlotte989875 · August 2023

Everyone is at fault here. Unless your plans or back up plans require you to your parents buying flights/ making hotel reservations you don’t need to know in August what people are doing in late November.

However I do think 4-5 weeks is fair notice in anyone is planning to stay with you or to allow your parents to make plans and potentially travel. Your kids don’t need two months of prep to know who is coming, and it’s not like you’re preparing anything in that time either.

This feels like a power struggle and someone needs to take a step back and be reasonable here.

banana468 · August 2023

That's sort of what I'm getting at. If you asked me to make plans for Thanksgiving in August or even September that involved travel my answer would need to be "If you need an answer today it's no." But my issue relates to kids and their events and schedules that are often cropping up for that timing.

If you asked me in October I can at least feel more comfortable that schedules are out and I'm good to make plans. There's a reason we push back on brides who want responses really far out. I don't think this is all that different BUT people need to be clear and I'd hope that this isn't a situation of people who just refuse to commit.

VarunaTT · August 2023

OP knows their family dynamic and they don't like it...which is probably why they're the opposite.

I feel like this could be solved by just stating, "We are going to rotate Thanksgiving between families" and so everyone knows (whether they've RSVP'd or not), this year is family X, this year is family Y. And if they don't commit and don't visit, FREE THANKSGIVING and make traditions within your own family unit. But then that means they miss out on the next year. Voila, boundary that controls your own behavior and sets how you expect to be treated for them.

I just had my first holiday thought, but that's b/c August is kind of what starts off the round of birthdays into holidays for my family. I'm sure that's not normal for other people and that's okay.

levioosa · August 2023

Parents can’t have it both ways. They can’t refuse to commit when they’re being asked about plans but then get upset when someone else does commit. That’s not choosing sides. If it really mattered to them they’d come up with a system like alternating holidays. I’m with LW’s husband here. They are holding holidays hostage and I’m sorry, as someone who hosts big dinners 2-3 weeks is not enough time to prepare. Depending on how big the event is I might even have to request work off the day before to get things ready.

short+sassy · August 2023

I am massively side-eying the LW.

Let's review. BOTH families live across the country from the LW. Perhaps near each other, perhaps not.

THEY want to start a "tradition" where EVERYBODY ELSE travels to them every year. How convenient. Nobody else is obligated to buy into this "tradition" the LW wants, especially when it's a giant PITA for others.

I'm also a little confused if they can only host one family each year or host both families. That's one of the only situations where I could see they'd need more than a month's time or so.

I'm not saying the LW's family isn't at fault also. I'd think they'd usually be able to give an answer about a month out, especially since they'd have to make travel arrangements anyway. Which, during the holidays, might need to be way more than one month out in order to get flights.

But I suspect there is also some resentment going on that the LW expects their family to always be the ones traveling. That might be why they aren't that motivated to figure it out sooner.

I would be a much better relative and just give them a prompt NO, most years.

They're preferences aren't less important than yours...

Re: They're preferences aren't less important than yours...

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