Nightmare wedding scenario: brother in law edition

Re: Nightmare wedding scenario: brother in law edition

• flantastic member

  

  August 2023

  knottie33bb7d2165d48522 said:

  My Fiancé and I are getting married in December this year. In February, we discussed the pros and cons of having an adults only versus a kids-present wedding. We decided together to have an adults only ceremony and reception. My fiancé has 2 nieces, his brother's children. At the time of the decision he understood our decision means his nieces will not be invited to the ceremony or reception. 
  
  Less than 48 hours ago at the time of posting (July), my fiancé's brother decided he wanted to bring his children to our wedding and, in my opinion, has behaved brutishly attempting to force me and my mom, by emotionally abusing my fiance, to change wedding arrangements to accommodate him. He has threatened to cut my fiancé from his life if we do not give in to his bullying and invite his children to our wedding. He thinks it is no big deal to make an exception for his children to attend, but not invite all the nieces and nephews that are excluded on my side due to our decision to have an adults only ceremony/reception.  
  
  I would like to tell the brother-in-law where he can stick it, but I love my fiancé, and he wants to try to mend things with his brother. What should I do? I do not want such a toxic person anywhere near our joyful day, to say nothing of having him near my future with my fiancé as husband and wife.
  
  Advice or ideas on how to deal with this nightmare in-law in the context of our wedding is greatly appreciated. I am at my wit's end.
  

  We're getting your side of the story only, so I'll go ahead with the premise that he's behaving badly.
  
  Is your FI close with his nieces at all? Quite frankly, one of our regrets for our wedding is that we didn't make more space for my H's cousins who were children. I wasn't particularly close to my younger cousins, so I didn't understand that H was close-ish to his. It would have been better to have them present, because that's their relationship. Oh well. And we would never have dreamed of excluding the nieces and nephews who were born at the time. Because they are close family.
  
  I don't think you should invite the girls because of your future BIL's behavior. I think you should invite the girls because they are close family, and they aren't close family who have done anything "toxic" to deserve being excluded. They're just children. Part of life and family is having children around. Your wedding isn't just a formal event whose aesthetic you get to decide; it's the opportunity to share your love and commitment with those closest to you. If the kids are close to him, they likely won't understand why it's necessary for them to be excluded from a family event, and they'll feel like second-class citizens of the family. Kids already feel that way enough.
  
  People understand "circles" - that because the children of your siblings are invited doesn't mean that the children of everyone further out in your family would be. If you are close at all with your own nieces and nephews, I think you should include them too. All the tired excuses of "they'll be disruptive; they'll steal our spotlight" are just that. Tired. It is never as big a deal to have kids at a wedding as people pretend it will be.
  
  Ultimately, you and your FI get to decide who to invite, or not. But that doesn't mean those choices won't have ramifications for your relationships. Depending on the age of the nieces, if they are old enough to understand this at all or if your FBIL does what he's threatening, they will likely never be as close to your FI again.

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2023

  You mention the nieces and nephews on your side.  Do your siblings have kids that are not invited or are you referring to the children of other family members?  
  
  I'm a big proponent of inviting in circles.  Example: I just went to a family wedding and initially the kids that were invited were those of immediate family due to space.  Due to people backing out, they were able to make space for my 3 nieces and nephews who were not immediate family. 
  
  IMO there's absolutely a difference between inviting the children of your siblings and the kids of your cousins or friends. 

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• knottie33bb7d2165d48522 member

  

  August 2023

  I appreciate both of these perspectives. I should have been more specific in my ask. Whether or not to change our plans to invite children to the wedding is not at issue. I am hoping for advice on how to deal with an in law that is trying to sabotage the happiness of my fiancé because of an imagined offence. How does one handle a situation like this?  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2023

  I'm of the opinion that family deals with family. So your FI should be the one dealing with his brother. If he wants to mend things, then you should stay out of it. 

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2023

  I agree that family deals with family.
  
  But I also think that as you delve into this, if the situations on each side aren't equal consider making the exception if the answer is that you don't have any siblings with kids and these is all of two.
  
  Decisions like this can reach LONG after a wedding, so consider how that shakes out and if you would consider making changes.
  
  That said, your FI needs to be the one to put his foot down on any matters with his family. 

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• flantastic member

  

  August 2023

  knottie33bb7d2165d48522 said:

  I appreciate both of these perspectives. I should have been more specific in my ask. Whether or not to change our plans to invite children to the wedding is not at issue. I am hoping for advice on how to deal with an in law that is trying to sabotage the happiness of my fiancé because of an imagined offence. How does one handle a situation like this?  

  It's not an imagined offense, though. To his nieces it may be a very real offense. That's what I'm trying to convey to you. This could have far-reaching consequences. So I would follow your FI's lead on this. If he wants to ensure that he keeps his relationships, let him.
  
  And if it needs enforcing, he should talk to his own family, as others have said. "Brother, we've discussed this a lot and we're just not having kids at the wedding. If that changes your RSVP I understand, but I will miss you a lot."
  
  You're allowed to make this call (you and your FI collectively) but other people are allowed to feel the way they feel about it and look at their relationships with you differently because of it.

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2023

  flantastic said:

  knottie33bb7d2165d48522 said:

  I appreciate both of these perspectives. I should have been more specific in my ask. Whether or not to change our plans to invite children to the wedding is not at issue. I am hoping for advice on how to deal with an in law that is trying to sabotage the happiness of my fiancé because of an imagined offence. How does one handle a situation like this?  

  It's not an imagined offense, though. To his nieces it may be a very real offense. That's what I'm trying to convey to you. This could have far-reaching consequences. So I would follow your FI's lead on this. If he wants to ensure that he keeps his relationships, let him.
  
  And if it needs enforcing, he should talk to his own family, as others have said. "Brother, we've discussed this a lot and we're just not having kids at the wedding. If that changes your RSVP I understand, but I will miss you a lot."
  
  You're allowed to make this call (you and your FI collectively) but other people are allowed to feel the way they feel about it and look at their relationships with you differently because of it.

  Exactly.
  
  And OP, you're not really elaborating on the family members that are excluded in this.  If you do not have siblings with children then from your FBIL's eyes, you are not making an exception for two children who are the only nieces and nephews.
  
  And unfortunately perceived slights have ramifications that last long beyond weddings so consider if the exception for these two people are worth it.  It may be that your FI and you do think that is the case but there is every possibility that you are not aligned on this and it can also have implications to people like your FMIL/FIL and other family members.  
  
  I'll also say that depending on how it goes, it can also be a large issue when kids are not invited simply logistically.  

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