Dear Prudence,
I was first diagnosed with endometriosis at 18 and believed I was infertile for 17 years. My ex-husband and I split after several heartbreaking miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF pushed our marriage to the breaking point. However, I came to terms with being infertile, and I find that I actually prefer being single—it allows me to focus on my job, which I love, and I’m the “cool aunt” to all of my friends’ children. I also have casually dated and had friends with benefits, but after my divorce, I realized I didn’t want another committed relationship. A few months ago, I matched with a man on Tinder, “John,” who was in town on a work trip for a few days. We met for drinks, ended up sleeping together (with protection), and agreed that this wasn’t more than a one-time hookup. However, the condom must have failed because I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant (after taking a test as a last resort because I was so food-sensitive and nauseated). Based on everything my doctors had told me, this was an anomaly, yet when I went to my gynecologist, I learned that I was already at 14 weeks, twice as far as I had gotten when I’d miscarried in the past, and that the fetus was healthy.
I decided to keep the baby. I have a house in an area with great schools, make more than enough to support a child, and will receive generous maternity leave. I already love my baby so much, and still can’t believe that this actually is happening. But when I tried contacting John, the only possible father, he didn’t respond. His WIFE responded, saying that she had found his Tinder and was “keeping greedy hoes away from” her husband. I truly did not know he was married and had no interest in keeping in touch after what was supposed to be a night of casual sex, so I told her that this was a complete surprise to me, but that she needed to talk to her husband because he had gotten me pregnant, and while I was fine with him not being in the picture, he deserved to know.
Her only response was to curse me out, accuse me of baby-trapping, and say that she wouldn’t be spending her money on my “bastard.” When I showed this conversation thread to my friends, they advised me to stop there and keep my baby away “from a cheater and a victim-blamer.” I am frankly disgusted with John—I do NOT condone cheating and I’m angry I was fooled—but he has a right to decide how much of a role he wants to play in his child’s life, right? He is not on Instagram but after some Googling, I did manage to find his work contact info, and I am agonizing over whether or not to call him. What do I even say? Part of me wants to be mature about this, but I’m also really tempted to let him have it for sleeping around and lying to me. Is there any way forward that will minimize the potential harm that my child could face in the future? I mean, there’s no script for telling your married one-night stand that you’re pregnant. I don’t want John or his wife in my child’s life, but I believe that it’s also unfair to keep this a secret.