Dear Prudence,
I would like some advice on how to be supportive to my sister, Bea, who’s going through a tough divorce.
Some context: We have a large family of 11. Bea was the oldest girl and I the youngest girl, and we grew up really close. Our parents have their good points, but they tend to be overly critical and compare all of us. Think straight-A bookworm kid (me) being compared to sporty social butterfly kid (Bea), and our parents preferred the grades. I want to be very clear: I think these things are value-neutral. But our parents’ running commentary did real damage to Bea’s self-esteem when we were teenagers, and as an adult she has picked up the habit of comparing us, which I try to push back on.
Now, we’re in our twenties and thirties, and she’s going through a contentious divorce with an abusive man that our mom never approved of to begin with. And because the universe has either the best or worst sense of timing, this has all happened just after I got engaged to my long-term partner. You can imagine the ammunition this has given everyone. I realize this habit of our family is toxic, and I’ve spoken up and managed to get at least my mom to cut it out, but not everyone, and not Bea.
On the one hand, I think it’s good that she’s identifying positive things about my relationship and saying “I deserve to have that too” (she does!); on the other hand, it feels like she’s actively hurting her own feelings. She approaches it like it’s her fault that she failed to “achieve” a better partner. Having conversations with her around this feels exhausting and like an emotional minefield, and it doesn’t feel like my attempts to reframe things are having any effect. She’s suffering and I want to be there for her, but I don’t know how to navigate this. I wonder if it would be better for me to be less “in the picture” right now, but I don’t want her to feel abandoned. Do you have any advice?