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You're both right and wrong in different ways.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband hates being late. I mean hates hates. It’s a source of constant annoyance. If we are even a minute late, he is stressed and embarrassed, apologizes to everybody, and is sure to let them know who is to blame (always me). If we have to be somewhere, he is ready well in advance and waits at the door, pacing and agitated, until I am ready. He often refuses to come out with me if we are going to be late, saying he is too embarrassed to face people. I want him to go into therapy. He says I should just learn to manage my time better and stop making him responsible for being on time. Who is right?

—Clock Watch

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Re: You're both right and wrong in different ways.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Yup, you're both wrong. 

    I hate being late as well, but if we are late to an event, I certainly don't tell people to blame N. That's where IMO it's crossing into sort of a gross territory. 

    It's also pretty disrespectful when you're always late - to both your partner and whoever is hosting the event you're attending. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    What kind of a jerk routinely shows up late and thinks the punctual one is the guy who needs therapy? 

    You're rude not only to your partner but to everyone else at an event when you're late and it's a habitual issue. 

    I will say, the H is a jerk to blame the partner so there's plenty of ESH to go around.  But this is also avoidable by appropriate time management. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    This is a low-stakes thing that has become high-stakes because there's no compromise. 

    LW should know their own flaws and make an effort to start getting ready earlier so they are on time. 

    LW's DH should know that in most circumstances, the world will not end if you're a few minutes late, and also, this is where you do time math, and if you think you should leave at 6, TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WANT TO LEAVE AT 5:30. 

    FFS they could both help each other out here and avoid a damn fight. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    But like how late? Because surely all normal people are routinely 5 minutes late to things and it’s not a problem. 15 minutes late to a party is normal. It seems he has no
    ability to understand that a social life doesn’t require military precision. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think PPs are right that it depends on the thing.  When we go to church Chiquita often serves and I often sing.  We need to get there well before it starts - usually 15 min in advance.  We can be ok w/10.  I have to tell DH "We need to be in the car at 10:30" which is an extra 5 minutes wiggle room so when we leave at 10:35 we're still there when I want to be.

    For a doctor appointment, IMO if you're late you're contributing to the issues of doctors not being on time and if you're dining at a restaurant as a group show up for the reservation on time.  Most places have wiggle room but if you're habitually that couple always the last to arrive you're annoying. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    edited August 2023
    Well hello, compulsive behavior on H's part.  It might not be possible for him to compromise and that's why therapy needs to happen.  We don't really know what LW's behavior is, only the H's reactions.  So yeah, he needs therapy; LW needs to make sure they are on time, but if someone has been pacing and agitated at the door for 30 minutes before we need to leave to be on time, I'd be annoyed too.

    ETA: and if LW is trying to deal with that behavior (if H is interrupting LW getting ready, trying to push LW, getting LW frazzled), H might be making LW late, through now fault of the LW.

    EETA:  This could also be ADHD, where you can't do anything until your appointment, so you're ready and just vibrating around, waiting for the appointment time.  IDK why it's a thing, but it is and if that's what H is dealing with and LW is trying to deal with, it can also be a lot.


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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
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    My DH and I did not have the same idea of what was "on time".  For him, it meant 15 mins early - for me it meant to arrive at the stated start time.  So I started asking him when he wanted to leave the house.  This way we can align and discuss if we need to adjust.  

    The OP and spouse are being jerks.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Yup, I will say that N was rushing me the other weekend to get to the concert on time. It took me 90 mins to drive 30 miles (gotta love NY!) and he wanted to catch the train at a certain time to meet his friends. But his rushing me only made me frazzled, which in turn made me slower. So, I can see both ends of this. But really, therapy. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Agree with PPs. But I’m really curious what “late” means. Growing up my grandmother was calling us if it was thirty seconds (and I mean that absolutely literally) before our agreed upon arrival time asking us why we were late and if we were coming. Are we talking five minutes? Or is wife like SIL B who will show up an hour late and still make it about her?


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