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Wedding Woes

Was she 'snooping' if you're friends?

Dear Prudence,

My parents divorced when I was a baby. My father met his second wife, and they spent the next 20 years having the craziest marriage. So there is: my stepsister (Rose), my half-brother (Roger), his affair child (Ruth), her affair child (Ryan), and their reconciliation baby (Rachel). The only two siblings I have had any semblance of a relationship with are Rachel and Roger, because we are close in age. I have only met Ruth a handful of times. And for the most part of my childhood, my mother kept me away from the crazy. It was just my mom and me. And that is the phrase that I usually use to describe my childhood in the casual sense.

Well, apparently Rose went snooping through my social media and found a few posts where I refer to myself as “basically” an only child. For some reason, this offended her and she went tattling to her mother. Now, everyone has their nose out of joint over this. I ended up having an emotional knock-down fight with my father. He couldn’t believe I would be so “cruel” as to publicly post that. I told him Rose shouldn’t have been stalking my social media and if he wanted to throw around accusations of cruelty, I reminded him that between the birth of Ryan and Rachel, I saw him a grand total of three times. And we lived in the same city. Since then, everything has been a mess. What should I do?

—Only Child

Re: Was she 'snooping' if you're friends?

  • Leave it be. You’re entitled to feel how you want about your childhood and she’s allowed to be upset you don’t consider her a sibling. Both things can be true. 

    Talk to your Dad if you want about the fight if you want to smooth things over with him, but this might just be a case of dealing with how other people feel about what you wrote online. 
  • I can see both POVs.  But the LW isn't wrong.  They didn't grow up in the same household with any of their siblings so, from a practical sense, they were raised like an only child.  But it also doesn't mean they don't consider those people their siblings or at least family.  

    If you ask me how many siblings I have, I'll tell you, "One.  A younger sister."  It wouldn't occur to me to include anyone else.  But, since this letter is also talking about half and step siblings.  Oh yeah!  I also have two stepbrothers.  I like them, they are great guys. I think of them like family, but not as my siblings.  To be fair, I was already a young adult when my mom started dating their dad.  They were kids at the time, but I doubt they think of me as a "sister" either.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think LW can apologize to the step sister and it's IMO one of those times for the "I'm sorry if you're offended" phrasing.  Make it known that the wording is about intent and is not a reflection of an opinion of the siblings but is a reflection of how the childhood went with the dad's interaction.

    LW can be clear stating that they mean no ill will towards the siblings and the point is that due to their mutual father, they were largely not involved with their siblings as a child.

    That the father is up in arms is more than likely a defensive mechanism especially if he was so uninvolved that the LW can count the number of times on one hand that they saw each other.

    I wonder if Rose as an older child feels some sense of ownership or responsibility or if Rose is as dysfunctional as her mom and step dad. 
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